Entertainment June 7, 2017
"Yesterday that was a boy. I'm looking for a man."
We’re back for week three and of course it was a to be continued, so the DeMario saga lives on.
Dude is laying it on real thick, with his “favorite” quotes like “in order to experience joy, you need pain.” Okay, but you caused the pain though?
The suitors and viewers alike are practically holding our breath hoping she is not about to take this fool back, seeing as he hasn’t even apologized yet. He hasn’t even done the fake apology thing, where he’s like, I’m sorry you were offended by what happened.
He is literally just recapping what happened. So, yeah, I lied. But, uh, I’m an alpha male and I hate to lose because then I don’t look as manly and you know, fragile masculinity and stuff, and obviously, also I haven’t fucked you yet, and you’re hot, so I want that, too. Plus, I made that whole big deal with the onscreen proposal on “After the Rose,” so it would be pretty embarrassing if I got kicked off this early, so uh, “I can’t lose you!”
Okay, so I’m paraphrasing. But that’s basically what he said.
Luckily, Rachel is as dope as she appears and is not taking ANY of this shit, and shuts. him. down. She tells the cameras, “Yesterday, that was a boy. I’m looking for a man.” GIRRRRRL.
She throws DeMario’s fave quote right back in his stunned face, all, “I’m glad this has been a life lesson… I’m glad the pain you have gotten from this gives you joy somewhere else…” but sends him packing. She later admits, “I feel empowered after that.” Um, I do, too! Am I still watching “The Bachelorette?!”
Ah, but then friggin’ Jonathan gets his time to chat with Rachel and ruins it all by bringing giant hand props to come and tickle her with. I am not kidding. I am so over this dude and his weird gimmicks. I’m usually into awkward, but he is just weird. And not in the cute, Matthew Gray Gubler way. Just no.
Another thing I’m over? This feud between Whaboom and (?)… Yeah. I literally can’t remember the other guy’s name – who reminds me of Evan from JoJo’s season, so I’m just going to call him Evan. Because I only know him as the guy who complains about Whaboom, like Evan complained about Chad.
Well, Whaboom pulls a straight up Regina George and makes up this story about how Evan is mad because he has a crush on him, and stands above Whaboom’s bed at night creepily eating bananas? What?! But don’t worry, because it couldn’t possibly be true because Evan doesn’t eat carbs. WHERE DO THEY FIND THESE MEN?! Every episode we see more and more of how awesome Rachel is and these are the guys ABC found for her? I don’t even think “UnREAL” would be this cruel.
Oh, thank God. It feels like we’re about an hour into this episode but we finally get last week’s rose ceremony. And though I was worried there for a sec, Rachel wisely chooses to keep Diggy over Bette Davis and Joan Crawford over there, who go home… but not without a bang… or should I say, a Whaboom?
The two grown men fight it out in front of the mansion for a good few minutes. But not with fists… I mean, I don’t condone violence usually, but it would have been much less mortifying for two grown men than the shadow game and whatever else these doofuses were doing. Also, just a note, Evan (whatever your name is), but the thing about nice guys is that they don’t actually have to say that they’re nice guys. Other people say that, because it’s apparent and it’s something we pick up on. Just saying.
Then we get the date cards and Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will and Fred are off to the Ellen DeGeneres Show. And I’m wildly jealous. Like, this show is mortifying and potentially causes irreparable damage to your reputation, but they get to meet Ellen?!
Anyway, Ellen immediately calls out Jonathan and his tickling entrance, “I don’t like that. I don’t like that. That’s a horrible thing. Why is he still here?” Good question, Ellen. I think we’re all wondering that at this point.
Then she takes another dig at him after she and Rachel make the boys strip off their shirts and dance through the audience. “Tickle guy does not dance well,” she points out to Rachel. Ouch. Ellen also gets the guys to dish when she asks Rachel if she’s kissed anyone in the house yet. Jonathan is a bit heartbroken to realize that other guys have, especially since Rachel gushes that she was “swept off of her feet” by it.
This joker honestly tries to comfort himself by saying, “Maybe it was just a kiss on the cheek.” Boy. If you think girls are getting swept off of their feet by a kiss on the cheek you should just go home right now.
Then Fred – the one Rachel remembers as the bad kid from camp – gets really intense, saying things like, Rachel is “so deeply rooted in my soul” and that he’s been waiting to kiss her for 20 years. Then he ASKS TO KISS HER, making things awkward AF. Rachel does NOT seem into it, but then he does it anyway, and floats away on a cloud.
It’s really confusing to me, then, when she picks up the group date rose and pulls Fred into the next room to talk to him. But then she dumps him?! That was way harsh, Tai. I mean, damn. That’s like when a guy talks about wanting to meet your family over Christmas… but then texts you a few days later that he’s “getting more of a friend vibe.” Like, what?! You’re the one who made things serious!
Girl, why did you grab the group date rose to talk to him?! That was cold-blooded. This grown man is crying in the plane on the way home, I’m telling you that. Rough.
Alex, however, was on cloud nine after getting the group date rose. He’s cute, but I keep forgetting he’s there so I don’t think he should get too excited, but hey, what do I know?
Anthony scores the one-on-one date this week, which is good, since I have no idea who he is. I’m not going to talk about it a lot because they rode horses through Rodeo Drive and that’s ABC “Bachelorette” TV nonsense. He gets the rose, I guess because Rachel had just sent Fred home? I don’t really know.
Last date card of the week is for Brady, Dean, Adam, Kenny, Bryce, Lee, Jack and Eric, and the date was handpicked by none other than Rachel’s girls – and former “Bachelor” contestants – Raven, Corinne, Jasmine and Alexis!
They take the boys mud wrestling, and boy, did Dean look worried. I think Adam should go home just because the only thing I know about him is he apparently still carries around that weird doll and that shtick is not and was not ever funny and let’s just stop it now, okay?
Do not mess with Bachelorette Rachel, because she might make you mud wrestle for her love. Screenshot via ABC/Hulu
Kenny is freaking out because he’s a professional wrestler and so he’s going to beat everyone up, blah blah blah, testosterone. But then Bryce wins? Wait, who is Bryce and why did he beat Kenny? And why is no one talking about the fact that Bryce beat a professional wrestler? Where’s Kenny’s meltdown about losing to Bryce? This all seems very uncharacteristic of him. This editing is bizarre. I think they cut out like 40 minutes from this episode just to focus drama on Eric.
Eric is doing that thing that Vanessa did last season where they get all pouty that they’re not getting all of the attention as if they suddenly have memory loss like Drew Barrymore in “50 First Dates” and forget that they signed up for a dating show that has THIRY people vying for the affections of ONE love interest. So now suddenly Rachel isn’t genuine because she isn’t spending every moment with Eric, okay.
And now that Whaboom and Evan are gone all of these other men are starting to create feuds with Eric, because they’re just so genuinely concerned about Rachel and that he’s not here for the right reasons. Shut up. No you’re not. You just want to knock out another competitor. Here’s the thing though, you only get a finite amount of time with Rachel, why would you spend the, like, two minutes you have, complaining about another guy?
I just think it’s hilarious when they walk away, like, oh, that conversation went so well. And it’s like, you just bitched about Eric. How does Rachel know anything about you other than you’re catty AF?
And the plan backfires anyway, because Eric gets the rose. So now Iggy’s mad, and the next time a man tells me girls are too catty I’m going to make him watch “The Bachelorette.”
Cute side note/shoutout to Diggy who is not yelling or causing drama/being petty and looks adorable AF in his bow tie and glasses. I cannot handle it. RACHEL PLS DO NOT SEND THIS WALKING ISSUE OF GQ HOME.
Then all hell breaks loose because “sweet ‘lil country boy” Lee won’t shut his mouth and Iggy’s all butthurt so everyone’s trying to cause trouble and Eric loses his goddamn mind and starts screaming at everyone. And then, quell surprise, we get hit with the TO BE CONTINUED…
Do not mess with Bachelorette Rachel… or apparently Eric. Bryan is all of us watching his meltdown. Screenshot via ABC/Hulu
Guess one episode with a full rose ceremony is all we get. Until next week…
