Sex & Life
Sex & Life August 23, 2017
Does it really matter?
If the sex has come to a complete halt in your relationship, does it mean it’s doomed? How important is sex in a relationship anyway?
Experts definitely don’t give an easy answer.
Here’s what ENTITY found out after some digging.
Well, we did say it wasn’t going to be a straightforward answer.
Marriage and Family Therapist Isadora Alman writes on Psychology Today that it really depends on the people in the relationship.
She notes that by asking the question, “How important is sex in a relationship?” is a sign that more is missing from your relationship than just sex.
“Since this common question can mask many other concerns, I usually respond, ‘How important is sex to you?’ If the person asking is coupled, I also ask, ‘Does your partner agree?'” she says. “Once a year or once a day, if whatever is happening between them is sufficient sex, there is no problem. Asking for outside validation is irrelevant.”
Although many specialists can agree that it depends, others say that sex is a vital component to a relationship. Author of “Wired For Love,” Dr. Stan Tatkin, says that sex brings a biological closeness between two people.
“Both males and females experience increased doses of pleasurable, bonding hormones, and these neurochemicals foster an increased sense of closeness,” states Tatkin.
And to support this, clinical Psychologist Joseph Burgo also agrees. He explains, a physical connection might seem trivial, but it doesn’t mean that it’s not extremely necessary.
“In a good relationship, sex is about 25 percent of the substance, and in a bad relationship, it’s about 90 percent,” Burgo tells Business Insider. “This physical component of attractiveness and sexual engagement is huge … It might sound superficial, but I don’t think you could do without it.”
Is the spark forever lost?
There are several factors that can be the cause of you not getting it on with your partner. It can range from stress, children and even insecurity.
Sex therapist Stephanie Buehler, says that every couple needs to recognize that there will be rough patches when it comes to intimacy. She assures people, however, that this rough patch is not out of the ordinary.
“It is completely normal for a couple’s sex life to have peaks and troughs. The important thing is to discuss the troughs,” Buehler tells Men’s Health. “Do you both understand why sexual frequency has slid – the birth of a child, perhaps, or the illness of a parent? If so, accept it and make a pledge to get back on track when the period of extra strain has passed.”
Well, you can’t hold the desire in, that’s for sure.
Urologist Dr. Dudley Danoff said that the worse thing anyone can do in a relationship is repressing their sexual needs.
Danoff tells the Huffington Post, “You might stop initiating sex altogether rather than face the possibility of rejection. You might begin to shy away from all displays of affection. And, of course, you might be tempted to look elsewhere for sex.”
Really, the first step to getting back in the sack is just by being open and honest with your partner.
“Talk openly and candidly about your needs and about the discrepancies in your desire levels. Educate your partner. She might not understand the importance of sex in your overall happiness,” says Danoff.
So, no, your relationship is likely not ending. In fact, according to life coach Dr. Pam Spurr, it could mean you have a pretty strong bond with your partner.
“It is absolutely not the case that a sexless marriage is doomed. I have met many couples and have friends who for one reason or another are in a sexless marriage,” Spurr tells Mirror. “That doesn’t spell a loveless marriage or one lacking in emotional intimacy. Quite the contrary because in the right circumstances, where a couple fully understand each other’s feelings, they may have a deeper bond than others.”
So even if you think you should be having more sex, that doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship has problems. It may just mean you need to talk to your partner.
Communicate with each other about your respective needs and see if you can find a compromise. And more importantly, don’t compare your sexual activities to people outside your relationship.
In the words of novelist Tom Robbins, “We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”
So go make that perfect love.
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