Relationships June 13, 2017
Because you know you were wondering.
The number one question I get asked as a queer woman is, “How do you have sex?” Let me count the ways!
I’m not offended by this question inquired by my friends since I’m excited to take the opportunity to tell them the truth. I’m actually overjoyed to take them on an educational journey far, far away from the fool’s gold of free internet porn or glossy movie versions that don’t shed light on the nuances of real lady lovin’.
The first rule about lesbian sex is that you don’t talk about lesbian sex, literally. When has a sex ed class ever defined gay sex, or mentioned it at all? Since the majority of porn is made for straight men, most of us discover lesbian sex awkwardly, hilariously, tumbling down the hill at lightning speed screaming, “WHAT AM I DOING?”
It’s certainly not what we’ve seen in mainstream media. There’s the “Blue Is the Warmest Colour” type of imagery that lesbian sex is passionate frustration with LOTS of unnecessary crying. On the other end of the spectrum, there’s also the fluttering tongues, impossible scissoring positions and cheesy dialogue of a five-minute PornHub clip. I can assure you, lesbians have the same range of experiences that straight couples might have, minus the pesky pregnancy scares!
If the Kinsey scale measures how badly you want to make sweet, sweet love to the cast of “The L Word,” then lesbian sex, in and of itself, has its own barometer of sexual interest. Neither end is all bad or good, just whatever floats your very gay boat. For our Lesbian Sex 101 students, I’ll do my best to break it down nice and simple.
Vanilla sex is generally made fun of, but don’t knock what my girlfriend refers to as “Old Faithful.” Sometimes all you need is some good, plain fun without the flashy accoutrements. The less flavorful variety of lesbian sex involves a simple toolkit of some fingers and a tongue. Just even two plain, old page-flipping, pencil-holding fingers can open a cavernous wonder of G-spot stimulation. Slip em’ in, out, around and back again for a quick walk that gets her where she needs to go.
Bring in the tongue for some deft figure 8’s and double axels that could knock out Nancy Kerrigan faster than Tonya Harding. We go deep, we go fast, then slow and never, ever forget the holy grail of the female orgasm, the clit. If Abigail Adams was famous for writing “Remember the ladies!”, a lesbian’s time-standing historic feminist phrase might be, “Remember the clit!”
If she’s a little more adventurous, she might want to make it a party and bring some toys. Kinkier sex for lesbians involves more than your extremities alone. It usually has its roots in your local queer-friendly sex toy store, lined with true queer porn DVDs like “The Crash Pad Series,” or dildos in so many shapes and colors I wish I could collect them all, like Pokémon.
Here it truly depends on preference. Does she love a good vibrator that amps her orgasm into the next universe? Or does she prefer to strap it on (this means securing a dildo of choice into a harness for all my 101 students)? What about both? Kinky lesbian sex isn’t considered as taboo as it is for straight couples.
A woman strapping it on for her boyfriend is a risqué night for a straight pair, but it’s a regular day at the gym for a lot of lesbians — all the thrusting, pumping and cardio a true workout requires. Whether you’re straight or gay, the key to mastering this part is to get some toys for yourself; never let being single prevent you from exploring what knocks your socks off.
Then when you do bring a partner in, you’ll know more about what kinds of things you like, and most importantly, not have to read the user’s manual or frantically type, “How do I insert this?” into Google while your new girlfriend falls asleep.
This concludes the 411 on why everyone can learn something from lesbian sex! The glittering fool’s gold of mainstream media’s pet snake style makeouts or dramatic sobs into a lovelorn bosom is no match for this real and sexy queer lady low-down.
Exploring our options, voicing what we truly want, and making what knocks our socks off a known priority to partners is something straights, gays and everyone else in our expanding lexicon can try. And that’s Lesbian Sex 101.
