Relationships September 14, 2016
We have all been told that marriage is hard, that it has ups and downs and trials and tribulations. With marriage success rates dropping, many couples are evaluating what they want in a marriage outside of the love that brought them together.
In this pursuit, there will always be challenges. But, challenges don’t always mean an unsuccessful marriage. For example, if you and your partner are both alpha personalities, instead of butting heads and competing for domination, there are ways to compromise and get what’s most important to you both.
First of all, having an alpha personality simply means that you hold your opinions rigorously and have strictly set goals for your life. These are good traits, if put to action in the right way.
Finding where those interests and viewpoints overlap is key to a healthy marriage. One partner might focus on monetary success while the other might pursue the interior design of the home. While Centerstone says pursuing personal passions is key to “maintaining a healthy sense of ‘self’ in any relationship,” it is also important to find where you both overlap in agreeance. Become each other’s teammate in that joined pursuit!
Using your alpha personality to accomplish something you both believe in is using your personality to its ultimate potential. In addition, you both get to bond over whatever it is you agree upon, whether it’s your house chore routine, your work schedules, how much time to spend with your family versus friends or cooking schedules. “Spending quality time together is crucial,” Centerstone says. “The event is not what is important. Just being together and doing something that you both enjoy will build a stronger relationship.”
But of course, having two alpha personalities is bound to lead to disagreement in the home. This can range from what color palette you want to decorate the house to the cleanliness of the house. List everything you disagree with and number them one to five, in order of importance to you as individuals. Then compare the lists! Whatever you each ranked as number one in importance, that person gets to monitor or control. Continue to run down the list with this same principle.
If there is a tie, then here is where your alpha personalities will need to learn the art of compromise. Lifehack writes, “Compromising is about meeting halfway … Make sure that you express your beliefs and emotions about the situation.” If you both want to control the way the house is decorated, then coming to a more common ground style of combining rustic and mid-century modern is a good option. Another option is sectioning the house. For example, you get to decorate the bedroom while your partner gets to decorate the office space. For fluidity of style, try to agree upon a continuing staple such as the color yellow or brown wood.
From the simple compromises to the more serious ones, learning to choose your battles is crucial in a relationship with two strong personalities. As a general rule of thumb, Lifehack also suggests that you stop always trying to win – at least when it comes to your partner; “When you want to win, you’re not listening to the other side of the argument or conversation. Suspend your need to be right and listen to your partner.”
Going through this list process will allow you both to prioritize where to back off and where to shine. And when you do butt heads (because two alpha personalities are bound to do so), you both have to make a rule that if the debate gets too heated or the argument is running into a brick wall and escalating for no good reason, you both need to walk away. Staying calm is an important thing to do to avoid hurting your partner. So, as Psych Central says, “disengage and allow some time for both of you to simmer down and reflect.”
Enter separate rooms alone and sit by yourself for awhile. You’ll be amazed at the compassion that you’ll feel when separated from your partner in the midst of an argument. It will help put things into perspective. Also, “shifting from the high level ‘fight or flight’ to a calmer, relaxed state will allow you to effectively communicate your thoughts to your partner and listen to his/her ideas,” Psych Central says.
If all of this doesn’t work, just breathe. Remember, a relationship takes two! Working with your personalities instead of against them will help mitigate and navigate your relationship at home so that everything, in the end, is exactly the way the both of you want.
