You hear it from your kids all the time – No, I don’t want to stop! I want to keep playing! You ask them to listen one last time, but the waterworks and tantrum quickly follows. At this point, the whining and screaming is beginning to drive you crazy.
Before you turn red and start raising your voice, ask yourself how effective it will be to start yelling. According to Aha! Parenting, yelling trains your kids to not listen until you raise your voice. Over time, you will have to yell every time you want to get your point across. If shouting orders is your go-to method, you may drive yourself into mental and physical exhaustion. If you don’t want to start feeling worn out, here are five ways you can get your kids to listen to you without yelling.
According to Positive Parenting Connection, using an “I mean business” tone is a better alternative than yelling. That’s because a calm but firm voice forces your child to focus on your words, not the tone. Yelling does the complete opposite – your kids will be so scared or irritated by the tone of your voice that they will not be able to concentrate on what you’re actually asking them to do.
Deborah Sendek, program director for the Center for Effective Discipline (CED), confirms via Washington Post that speaking to your child with a stern voice is far more effective than yelling. This tone encourages your kids to pay attention to what was wrong with their bad behavior – say, spilling nail polish all over the bathroom rug – without making them fearful or anxious.
Squat down and speak to your children at an eye-to-eye level when they are not listening. Position yourself directly in front of your child, softly place your hands on his or her hips to create a connection and express what you want him or her to do – or stop doing.
According to Child Development Institute, (literally) seeing from your child’s point of view will help you better connect with her. Approaching your child with direct eye contact and a non-threatening stance will help her pay attention to what you’re saying with less fear or anger.
According to PBS, only give attention to your child’s good behavior. When your kids are having tantrums or whining, don’t yell. Instead, act as if you can’t hear them and walk away if you must. This will teach your children that the only way they will be heard is if they communicate in a respectful manner.
Consider the active act of ignoring. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) emphasizes not to be confused by the passive connotation of the term. “Think of ignoring as the opposite of paying attention,” CDC said. “When you ignore your child, you do not neglect him or stand by while he misbehaves. Instead, you take all your attention away from your child and her behavior. Ignoring usually helps stop behaviors that your child is using to get your attention.”
Instead of giving a consequence or a threat – which could cause a bigger tantrum – lure your children away from their bad behavior by offering them positive options. For example, as stated in an article published by Pop Sugar, stop telling your kids “If you don’t … then you won’t …” Instead, generate a more positive reaction by saying “After you … then you can …”
Additionally, if your child is resisting a chore because it doesn’t interest him, spin the action into something positive. Positive Parenting Connection writer and mother Ariadne Brill recalls a conversation with her four-year-old daughter. When her child didn’t want to set the placemats at the dinner table for dinner because it was “boring,” Brill suggested turning it into a fun task. After a brief discussion, the four-year-old decided to do the chore with the help of the playmobil princess with which she was previously playing.
As stated by Aha! Parenting, you must realize it’s your top priority as a parent to manage your emotions. If you project your negative emotions onto your child, they will likely internalize those feelings. Yelling at your child teaches her that’s it’s okay to do the same, fueling the fire of anger and resentment.
“If you’re too stressed to slow down and be respectful, then it’s your job to get a handle on that with some self-care,” Dr. Laura Markham said. So when your child throws a tantrum, consider taking a step back and indulging in a bubble bath or five-minute meditation session. Then you can revisit the high tension situation and approach it with distance and thoughtfulness.
Parenting isn’t easy. When your kids make you want to tear your hair out, open your mouth to breathe – not yell. When you approach emotionally charged scuffles with these five tips, you can get your kids to listen without raising your voice.
