Sex & Life
Sex & Life September 19, 2017
Sleeping with someone isn't a lollipop for being good.
There are way too many rules for paying on a date.
If a man doesn’t pay, he’s not a gentleman. If a woman doesn’t pay, she’s a gold digger. On the other hand, if a woman does pay, she’s emasculating her man. And my personal favorite: if a man pays, and the woman doesn’t put out, she’s using him.
Let me tell you about the time the guy I was with assumed I was worth $30. We’re going to call him Joe in this story because this isn’t about him and I don’t want to feed his already enormous ego.
I started dating Joe my freshman year of college. I was young and naive, so I hadn’t fully understood what paying for a date really meant. Joe, on the other hand, had an obsession with paying for everything. And not the typical “Oh, I’m a gentleman, so I’ll pay” type of obsession where you guys lightly fight over the bill. No, it was pathetic enough that when I paid for the bill while he was in the bathroom, he genuinely got mad at me because I “emasculated” him by paying.
It wasn’t until years later that I realized Joe used money to manipulate women.
To him, paying for a date meant I was forever indebted to his greatness. If he paid for a bill, he wouldn’t let me forget it. And if he was mad at me because I wasn’t giving him the attention he wanted, then I was forced to pay.
Paying made him feel like a man.
And I mean, honestly, I’m not surprised. Joe came from an extremely wealthy family, and his father was a man’s man. His father had eight children and his mother was a stay-at-home mom. Joe’s dad taught his sons that as long as you spoiled your wife with money, she was happy. And Joe probably translated this into, “As long as I keep women happy with money, I can control them.”
So, at this point, I was dating Joe for about two months now. Our dates were never extravagant or too nice. But, this one night, we ended up at a relatively nice restaurant in Santa Monica. The plates were a little pricier than our normal dates, but it wasn’t anything too fancy. We each got one meal, and the bill came out to a whopping $30. I offered to pay like I usually do, but he refused like he usually did, so he ended up paying for the bill.
I didn’t think much of the bill, considering it was only $30, but this $30 meant a lot to Joe.
It’s not like he flew me out to his villa in Italy and had a chef serve us. This is something he could have done because his family literally owned a villa in Italy.
Nope, poor little Joe, whose dad funnels money into his bank account every week, willingly shelled out $30 to pay for our date. What. A. Gentleman.
Apparently, this was a meal that a girl should be grateful for, right? Joe seemed to think so.
As we were waiting for the bus, because, at the age of 21, this man couldn’t get himself a car, he nonchalantly said, “I’d expect a girl to put out for a dinner like this.”
A dinner like what? A dinner that required you to dress nicer than the work uniform you showed up in? You didn’t think I was worth putting on a clean shirt and pair of pants for but you were definitely worth me putting out for you?
Anyways, he knew nothing was going to happen that night because I had to be home right after the meal. Still, for some reason he thought guilt-tripping me might be a good way to make something happen.
But the thing is, my mom taught me better.
She taught me to stand up to men and for myself. So instead of laughing it off, I gave Joe the cold shoulder because it was what he deserved. He even tried to joke around with me about the situation, but I wasn’t having any of it.
Needless to say, he broke up with me a month after that.
And though my mom did teach me to be stronger, I had my moments of weakness. I was 18 years old, extremely impressionable and way too susceptible to the “I’m sorry” mentality. Although the entire situation – and relationship, for that matter – was toxic, I recall looking back and blaming myself for not doing enough, for not being enough, for not giving him what he needed and asked for. I convinced myself it was normal for a guy to get mad at me for not putting out after he paid for dinner.
But now, I can confidently say it’s not. No part of that entire night was normal.
Joe was a terribly manipulative and aggressive person with a fragile masculinity. He expected me to kiss the ground he walked on and be grateful for his existence. He never told me why he broke up with me and this man wasn’t even “man enough” to face me, so he ended it by deleting me off of Facebook.
Way too many men have a sense of entitlement and privilege when it comes to women.
We live in a society where men who are known domestic abusers like Chris Brown can have thriving rap careers and guys like Brock Turner go to jail for only three months after raping a woman because it might “ruin his education.” This is why most men believe they can do no wrong. It’s the reason they believe they’re entitled to our bodies whenever they please.
And before you even come at me with “Not all men,” I’ll acknowledge that there are also good men in the world. I’m not a man-hating feminist because if I was, I wouldn’t be a feminist. I can admit that there are good men who will treat you well and expect nothing in return.
But my experience with entitled men is far greater than my experience with decent men.
Men who are decent human beings are so rare, we’ve convinced ourselves to settle for the lesser of the evils.
This is why women’s standards for men are so insanely low. This is why I still see posts on Twitter of a couple hugging with the caption, “I crave a relationship like this.” A relationship like what? A relationship where your boyfriend will willingly hug you?
Standards are literally set on the floor for men. A man bringing you candy after you texted him “I want candy” isn’t relationship goals. It’s just a normal act of kindness.
We praise men for doing the bare minimum. But we shouldn’t. I used to admire a guy who would pay for a $60 bill, and not get mad at me for not putting out. But you know what? I don’t owe you anything because you chose to pay for my dinner. Like the quote says, “Girls are not machines you put kindness coins into until sex falls out.”
Women, don’t sleep with a guy because he paid for dinner or opened a door for you.
You have the choice to sleep with him because you want to. And if you lose a guy because you didn’t sleep with him, then it’s his loss. Do you really want to be with a guy who leaves you because you’re not satisfying his needs? What about your needs? I promise you there are millions of guys around the world who will treat you ten times better.
At the end of the day, this idea of withholding sex from men or using money to control women is a toxic and dangerous idea. Have sex with someone if you want to or don’t.
But remember that sleeping with someone isn’t a reward. It’s a choice between two consenting adults. It’s not a lollipop for being good.
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