Lifestyle June 21, 2018
No more excuses for sort of-compliments.
Think back to simpler days when your biggest concern was whether or not your favorite swing at the playground would be taken. Or when going up the playground slide was your biggest accomplishment. It was probably on that same playground that you first experienced some sort of flirting. Maybe a little boy came by and pushed you out of your swing and, instantly, you were hurt. However, your parents tell you he’s only behaving this way because he probably has a crush on you. While we don’t fully understand the logic behind it, we accept it.
But as we get older we begin to understand the different types of flirtation. A playful, backhanded comment can be responsible for more than a laugh. And there’s actually a word for one of these styles of approach: negging.
In definition, negging is an act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise flirtatious remark to another person to undermine their confidence and increase their need of the manipulator’s approval.
Common forms of negging might include walking into work and hearing a playful, “Oh, you’re finally on time for once,” from a friendly coworker. Or when a guy jokingly tells his date, “You actually clean up pretty well.” These comments might have been intended to elicit a laugh or even a smile, but more often than not, a negative response is at the other end of them.
In some way, the objective of negging is to get a response out of someone.
Negging can affect everyone who is experiencing it. However, men and women often engage in negging during early flirting efforts in relationships. According to Jeremy Nicholson from Psychology Today, negging works because, in theory, it lowers the self-esteem in the target and makes the speaker seem more attractive by comparison.
When someone is insulted, especially by their partner, they feel the need to defend themselves. And early on in a relationship, a backhanded compliment may even be received as a flirt. The harm can seem non-existent but over time, negging can have quite the effect on someone.
By insulting someone, the speaker is putting on the facade that he or she is better than the person on the receiving end of the insult. This causes the target to seek the approval of the speaker, despite being the one who feels insulted in the first place.
The danger of negging lies in causing the target to feel insecure about themselves. Even if a backhanded compliment is received in the best manner possible (as a flirt or as a joke), it doesn’t take long for certain comments to become hurtful.
Sure, negging can also be harmless when it’s obviously playful. It can even be okay in the flirtatious first-stages of a relationship. But at the end of the day, and over time, there are healthier ways of expressing ourselves to each other.
There are much better ways to communicate with someone you find attractive rather than insulting them (albeit playfully).
If it takes insulting another person to feel comfortable conversing with them, that is a problem. Not only is it unnecessary and reflects a lack of self-confidence, in general, it can really hurt someone. Through negging, a lot of our self-awareness, confidence, and courage can be at risk. Often times, this happens without our knowledge and a sick addiction to that type of treatment can develop.
These days, it seems like relationships are easily threatened. We have influences coming from all angles: friends, parents, social media. The lines between what a toxic and healthy relationship is are getting blurred without us realizing it. But it’s time toxic becomes toxic and healthy remains healthy.
Let’s keep the lines clear. Stop negging- tell them you like them instead.
