Relationships September 6, 2017
If you're even asking the question, then you should probably leave.
Relationships are tricky and, unfortunately, you can’t take a Relationships 101 class in school.
Thankfully, though, we’re here to help you with anything and everything that can get confusing about relationships. Especially when to end a toxic one.
We did some digging and turned to the experts to compile these important signs.
When it comes to cheating, it all comes down to how you want to deal with it. If cheating is non-excusable, then leave the relationship. If both parties are willing to work it out, then things can get better. However, there is an emphasis on both parties needing to be mature enough to find a compromise.
Couples therapist Irina Firstein, LSCW talked to Cosmopolitan about what cheating in a relationship leads to.
“Monogamy is not easy, and it’s more difficult for some people than others,” Firstein said. “[A relationship] does usually get better when people are committed and they’re working hard to establish a trust and are truly remorseful.”
But, with all of this comes a long and difficult healing process. Although cheating isn’t the end all be all of a relationship, it’s definitely a strike. If your partner cheated as a way to get revenge and isn’t willing to regain your trust, then it’s time to cut ties.
If there is any sort of abuse or violence in your relationship, get out now. Any “oh but he loves me” or “but she’s treated me well so far” excuses aren’t going to work. If it was a one-time thing, don’t wait until the next incident to start thinking about leaving.
Susan J Elliott, JD, M.Ed., relationship commentator, motivational speaker, certified grief counselor and attorney wrote about her abusive relationships in an article for Psychology Today. She talks about why it was hard to leave her abusive husband.
“Leaving my abusive husband was the most terrifying and most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. But before I left, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I DID NOT KNOW I could be treated any better and I wasn’t sure that I wasn’t causing the abuse by not doing things right,” Elliot wrote. “I also did not know that putting your hands on someone else was WRONG … My therapist said, ‘Do you know what it means to be loved unconditionally?’ and I broke down and cried because it was such a foreign concept to me. But after several years and much work, I did come to learn what it meant, to give and to get. Recovery from abuse is possible.”
When it comes to violence, your partner needs to receive mental help. There is little you can do to help them unless they’re willing to help themselves. You’re not a literal punching bag and you should never feel obligated to be one.
Elliot wrote about how abuse victims often never question the abuser and instead question their own actions. They ask, “If I hadn’t done (blank), then he wouldn’t have hit me.” But really, no matter what excuse you insert, it’s never a justification of someone else’s violence towards you.
If you’re afraid to leave your relationship for safety reasons, here are some resources to help.
The National Domestic Abuse Helpline has a safety leaving plan. CALL 1-800-799-SAFE for a safety plan and other help. You can also visit http://www.thehotline.org/ or call 1-800-799-7233.
When it comes to beginning a relationship, people hardly think about the future of the relationship. But over time, those expectations you had for the relationship start to creep back up. If your partner isn’t fulfilling the needs you expect in a relationship, then it may be time to move on.
Whether it’s a lack of support or they can’t match your intellectual or sexual expectations, then it’s time to walk out. There’s no reason to be settling for “good enough.”
Virginia Gilbert, an LA-based marriage and family therapist, talked to the Huffington Post about why it’s important to leave a relationship you’re settling for.
“Be honest with yourself: If you’re staying in a ho-hum relationship because you’re afraid of being alone — or because you want a ring and a baby — do both of yourselves a favor and get out,” Gilbert said. “Otherwise, you’ll eventually drift apart and your fear of being single will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.”
If you’re not getting enough out of the relationship, then you’re only harming yourself and your partner by staying.
This might seem obvious, but sometimes people still don’t realize it. If your partner has a fear of commitment and you want something long-term, then you guys are already on different paths. It will create a lot of stress in your life if you’re constantly wondering whether he or she is going to walk out on you.
But remember, this doesn’t have to be the ultimate deciding factor on whether or not to end the relationship. You can help each other grow and understand where that fear of commitment comes from and how to alleviate it.
However, if even this doesn’t help, then you may want to think about other options. Do you want to be continuously strained by a partner who isn’t on the same page?
This can translate to a lot of things. But, if your partner is emotionally abusive, constantly insulting you or making you feel worthless, then it’s time to leave.
If he puts you down, to make himself feel better, leave. If his humor or sarcasm comes in the form of insulting you or making you look like a fool, leave.
Again, you can always work on this and talk it out, but someone who consciously puts others down to boost his own confidence needs to change. You deserve to be respected, loved unconditionally and treated like royalty. And like we said before: don’t settle.
Sure, the older you get, the more complicated a relationship seems to become. We’re constantly looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right and in the process end up settling for Mr. or Mrs. Right Now. But it’s important to stay single and happy than be in a relationship that makes you miserable.
At the end of the day, your happiness comes before society’s expectations.
