Relationships June 28, 2018
Recognizing abuse.
An abusive relationship is one of the most difficult, traumatizing dilemmas to be in. However, people may have various perceptions as to what abuse truly is. Before jumping to conclusions about whether a relationship is truly abusive or not, you need to recognize some myths about abusive relationships.
Abuse comes in many different forms. Although relationships can involve physical or sexual violence, it can also be verbal and emotional. According to PsychologyToday, verbal abuse includes screaming, insults, manipulation, accusing, blaming and jokes. While yelling can be a normal part of a non-toxic relationship, performing these actions consistently creates a verbally abusive relationship.
Emotional abuse can involve verbal abuse, but it also applies to actions. “The abuser uses manipulation, criticism, and fear to control the partner.” It is “less obvious than physical violence,” but it is “more common.”
Financial abuse involves someone in a relationship controlling or manipulating the other person’s financial situation. Signs include a victim lacking information about their own money or being forced to make unwanted financial decisions.
Relationships that consistently involve these behaviors can create long-lasting psychological damage to a person and their self-esteem.
While many toxic, abusive relationships include romantic or sexual partners, they can also involve family members, friends, and coworkers. These situations sometimes offer different reasons as to why the victim does not speak up or leave the relationship. For example, a person may believe that a friendship involving emotional or verbal abuse is normal. However, real friends do not manipulate or emotionally damage each other. It is important to have the ability to make that distinction.
Women can also physically, emotionally and verbally abuse their partners (or other people in their life). Men can also be victims. In a YouTube video that was made public in 2016, male comedian Matthew Santoro describes his own experience with abuse.
In the video, which has since been deleted from his channel, Santoro stated:
“Domestic violence knows no gender… It happens to men and women. And it’s something that men never talk about because we’re made to believe that we’re supposed to be strong. I never talked about it because I thought that no one would believe me, no one would give a shit, and it’s sad that we live in a society where people have to feel like they’re supposed to keep quiet about these things. And it’s wrong.”
It is also important to note that more than one person can be abusive in a relationship. The (mostly realistic) movie I, Tonya follows renowned ice skater Tonya Harding and her part in the scandal involving Nancy Kerrigan. In the movie, Tonya Harding (played by Margot Robbie) and her ex-husband Jeff Gillooly (played by Sebastian Stan) both hit and scream at each other. However, despite the fact that both partners inflict abuse on the other, it is obvious that Jeff is the dominant abusive figure in the relationship.
If a loved one physically harms you, they will do it again. Abusers often make the statement “I won’t do it again,” but they continue their behavior. This is part of the domestic violence cycle, as described by New Hope, Inc. In Phase one, tension builds. There is a violent episode in Phase two. Phase three ends in reconciliation, usually including an apology. After this, the cycle repeats.
Christine Lewis explains in an article for The Guardian that after her fifteen-year-old daughter had hit her (and she had likely hit her back), she called the helpline Parentline Plus. She realized that children abusing their parents “is relatively common.” In a Parentline survey, about 29% of their calls between October 2007 and June 2008 involved child behavior. 60% of these calls involving behavior “cited verbal aggression” and 30% cited “physical aggression.”
Depending on the age of the child, parents may have to approach this abuse slightly differently to how they would approach abuse between partners or friends. A young child may be able to learn from this one-time mistake. Lewis states at the end of the article that she and her daughter are slowly patching up their relationship. However, if the child is over eighteen years old, they are adults that are fully responsible for their own actions, and so may continue this abusive streak.
As hard as it may seem to an outsider, there are a lot of factors that make abusive relationships incredibly difficult to leave. Ali Owens of HuffingtonPost states that the “generally cyclical” nature of abuse often creates a trapped environment and cause victims’ feelings to fluctuate. She states that this is “precisely how abusers wield control over their partners — they dangle the carrot, the promise of change, just out of reach, so that the victim always feels hopeful that the change will actually occur and feels compelled to stick it out.”
There are other reasons that prevent victims from leaving as well. Owens states that sometimes abusers are more dangerous if the victims leave. Owens explains how “In many cases, abusers will go so far as to stalk, rape, or even kill” victims that try to escape the relationship.
Emotional abuse also can be at play, forcing the victim to believe that they deserve their abuse.
Furthermore, financial stability is sometimes an issue. If the relationship involves financial abuse, a person can find it impossible to create a new life for themselves.
Even if physical or consistent abuse has not yet occurred, there are red flags that signal a potentially abusive relationship on its way.
Possessiveness and extreme jealousy are often some of the first signs of an abusive relationship. A person that demands to be the only person in your life is emotionally abusive, especially if they overly compete with your other loved ones and activities. Your life should not revolve around that person. And if you find yourself quitting healthy interests or leaving behind many other friends or loved ones, that is a bad sign.
Always feeling guilty is also a red flag. Analyze your actions. Have you done something that would normally make a person feel that guilty? Would you feel as guilty if you did this to another close friend? Would you be as angry if a different person did this to you?
Along with guilt, unnecessary and consistent fear is also a sign of an abusive relationship. Are you always afraid of doing the wrong thing? In his 2016 video (a clip is played during a YouTube video by “The Young Turks”), Matthew Santoro states that he had a panic attack from “walking on eggshells” around his ex-girlfriend. Psychology Today confirms that if you can’t feel as though you can “relax” or “chill out… around this person,” this is a sign of emotional abuse.
Another sign of an abusive relationship is if it “is best described as a ‘roller coaster’ of highs and lows.” Many abusive relationships include moments of bright happiness along with incredible pain. This further prevents victims from leaving it.
Your feelings are valid, and you are not alone. If you believe you or someone in your life is in an abusive relationship, click this link to reach out to The National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can also call the hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE, or 1-800-799-7233.
