Tears, uncomfortable conversations, and the world’s worst turtleneck were all served up in the latest episode of “The Bachelor” and thankfully I had a glass of red and my sorority sisters with me to watch all the juicy drama unfold!
Raven was slugging back the wine too on her date with Nick Viall, who turned up for it in that terrible turtleneck, which did him no favors. “Oh my god he looks like an uncircumcised penis,” yelled out one of my friends. “She’s chugging wine because she is in love with a penis head!”
Her Corinne-like-drinking must have been a combination of Nick’s awful fashion choices and the producers forcing her to tell the world that she has “never had an orgasm.” Quick as a flash, another of my friends shouted out, “Well you came to the wrong place…” Nick’s smirk when she told him her secret made the whole room full body cringe. “That smile in that turtleneck just made him the last guy on earth I would ever sleep with,” said one friend.
As Raven read the card for the fantasy suite, the whole room was shouting at the TV. “DO NOT DO IT! HE IS NOT GOING TO BE GOOD!” “Who would want to go to a fantasy suite with a guy dressed like that?” and my personal favorite comment among my pals, “I sure hope she is blacked out right now…”
Week nine may have been a shorter episode at one hour, but man did lots happen!
It started with the throwback of a lifetime with Andi Dorfman and Nick chatting like two besties at the coffee shop. In a very blatant attempt to clean up his dirty image, ABC thought it would be a great idea to have the past “Bachelorette” give Nick some advice about sleeping with the girls in the fantasy suite.
Now for those of you that do not keep up with the show, here is a little back story. Dorfman was the first season that Nick was on, and he made it to the final two. He ended up getting dumped before he was able to propose to the brunette beauty, so he decided to create his own messed up fun on “After The Final Rose.”
Nick basically slut shamed Andi, telling the whole world that they had been intimate, and asking her why she would have sex with him if she was going to dump him. It was the shot heard around the world. I remember talk shows for days talking about how despicable Viall’s actions were, and Dorfman has been very open about the abuse she has gotten online and in person after the beans were spilled. Now, two years later, they bring her back. “Doesn’t she have a book out? That’s got to be why she is here…” one of my sisters said.
Dressed in his funeral garb, Viall attempted to make an apology out of the limited vocabulary he has in his brain, and Andi handled it like a pro. “If I was her I would hit him,” said one friend. Another added, “If I was her I would’ve told the world he was awful in bed, would’ve saved us three more seasons of this man baby.” The sex advice was forced and unnecessary, it was just bad. As the exes discussed feelings and emotions one pal suggested to the room, “Drink every time you still hate this show!” As you can guess, we were drunk by the second commercial break…
Finally a rose ceremony happened. In one of the most awful moments of the season, my girl Corinne made her exit from the show. Her heartbreak was so obvious that I had to turn away. As she cried on the stairs and apologized for anytime she ever hurt him, I realized why I connected with her so much. This girl is every girl that has taken a leap of faith for a guy and landed flat on her face. We have all been there Corinne.
My viewing party was not pleased either. “There goes 3/4th of the weekly viewers.” One of my friends said. “He is a douche Corinne!” another shouted, “Just go find another one, there are plenty to go around!”
As we dealt with the crushing blow of ‘The Bachelor’ without Corinne, we realized there was still time left in this episode. Nick and the remaining women hoped on a plane and headed to…Finland!!!! “Finland?! I thought they normally go to warm places?” One of my friends asked me confused. I had to tell her, “When you are a cold heartless jerk, you don’t get to go to a beach.”
Raven was the first one-on-one date with Nick in the freezing cold. The pair had fun in the snow and hung out with some locals at a bar. I don’t know much about the conversation that happened between the two of them because the room could not handle the way he was wearing his scarf. “If I was on a date with a guy and he wore his scarf like that I would make you call me so I could leave.” My friend said to me. “That scarf makes me question if he can’t find love because he is looking at the wrong sex…”
And next he brought out the turtleneck. Despite that, the episode ended with the two of them huddled in bed under the northern lights. That wasn’t the real twist ending though. Chris Harrison dropped a major bomb that none of us saw coming. “Next week, on a three hour episode of ‘The Bachelor…” Shouts came from across the room, “THREE HOURS ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?” One friend turned to me and said, “Mixie, I love watching this show with you, but three hours… You better be buying a box of wine.”
So looks like next week I will be sitting through a mind blowing three hours of Viall without the comfort of seeing Corinne… It’s going to be tough, but I am up for the challenge. We have a week to mentally prepare for this people, use your time wisely!
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