Relationships August 22, 2017
"Why can't you be like the other girls?"
Tucked away in a small studio on Chaussée de Saint-Job in Brussels, you taught many girls how to dance. Tall, skinny and blonde with a severe look, you were the cause of my anxiety and my stress. Your claim to fame, you had danced for Béjart, a famous french ballet choreographer.
You played games with my young mind every day. Ruthless and unfair, you didn’t like me and you made it clear.
I began ballet at the age of four. At first, it was once a week, which then turned to twice a week, three times a week and then weekends and summer sessions. I felt as though I spent countless hours in that studio.
Shy, I never spoke up. I witnessed, subdued and danced. I wasn’t made for this, and you knew it. You were the root of my anxiety, and you were the cause of my body image issues.
We never talk about it, but let’s put it on the map — eating disorders can be caused by stress and anxiety.
According to the Eating Disorder Hope website, anxiety precedes an eating disorder. Anxiety can be caused by an event or feeling that is uncontrollable to the human mind.
We seek to find something we can control. And yes, unconsciously, you take control of what you intake and have somewhat control on your image and diet. This will temporarily subdue the anxiety as you feel in control.
This anxiety can be caused by many things, but let’s be honest, one of them is the pressure society or individuals put on women to have the perfect body. And yes, women are more likely to experience anxiety than men.
Here’s a story to show how shameful it is to do this to women.
My ballet teacher was like Von RothBart in the “Black Swan,” an evil person who was one of the leading causes for my anxiety and for the purpose of this article, she will be named after that character.
It was the day I got my first point shoes, I was extremely excited and couldn’t wait to slip them on for the first time and stand on my toes. I wish I knew that it meant the beginning of many nights coming home with bloody and bruised feet.
Did I mention yet that we were only eight? Von RothBart thought, why wait till 12, the actual age you start point shoes. We had the privilege of destroying our nerves before we could even learn how to feel.
But who cares?! The shoes made us tall, our legs felt elongated. We were like little white swans gracefully playing, twirling and dancing around the studio.
Von RothBart, in her dark outfits, watched as she fooled us into believing we were ready for this. To teach us balance she would place plates on our heads. Yes, plates. Ceramic plates on our heads. Plate on my head, tummy tucked in, knees tight, arms in second position, sweating, she would yell at us. I still remember how much I hated her. But physically torturing us still wasn’t enough.
One evening while in rehearsal, Von RothBart stopped the entire class to make a comment. Stretching on the floor, I was folded in half, lying my head on my knees. I had my first anxiety attack.
My heart stopped when you called my name. Fuck. Was my posture bad? My hair bun not tight enough? Was there a run in my stockings? Oh my god, what did you want?
I stood up and in front of my entire class Von Rothbart asked me why I couldn’t be like all the other girls.
“Your legs are fat, your thighs are huge.” At first my breathing became more intense and then my chest felt like it was crushing.
Skin and bones, I looked down at my skeleton body. You smiled. And the other girls remained in shock. Some laughed.
Was I supposed to answer? You publicly shamed my tiny, eight-year-old body. As a result, my anxiety became my Black Swan.
That night I didn’t eat.
At a young age, I became very self-conscious of my look. There was tons of pressure to always have to be perfect and to be girly and pretty. I became extremely anxious. I would grind my teeth when I would slip on my jeans in the morning, hoping they would fit or even feel loose. Almost always, they felt tighter, even though they weren’t.
Walking into ballet class was a stress in and of itself. The days I had ballet, I made sure that I would go to class on an empty stomach so you could see the bones from my rib cage and hip bones.
Thankfully, I stopped going to ballet class before my eating habits became questionable. Some girls were not so lucky.
It’s not just ballerinas, either, it’s society in general. We focalize so much on idealizing the fact that if you are thin and pretty, life is going to be better and happier.
But did you know that 35 percent of athletes are at risk of developing anorexia, and it all has to do with the way your coach or teacher or even family and friends comment about your weight?
It’s a sad truth, but we need to talk about it. Specifically nowadays with the unrealistic ideals of beauty that society has. I mean, according to a 2015 report by Common Sense Media, children as young as five “express dissatisfaction with their bodies.” AS YOUNG AS FIVE. That’s insane.
We need to put a stop to this impossible image generated and perpetuated by Hollywood and the media. No, not everyone can be a size zero in jeans. In fact, the average size of the American woman falls between a 16 and an 18, according to a 2016 study in the International Journal of Fashion Design, Technology and Education.
So maybe we should just worry about ourselves and our health (not our size) and give each other a break?
