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ENTITY reports on being friends with an ex

Breakups are messy and heartbreaking.

The phrase “I hope we can stay friends” gets thrown around way too much, but we all know how that can turn out. Staying friends with your ex is easier said than done.

When you choose to stay in contact with your ex after a breakup, it can lead to complicated feelings that You. Don’t. Need.

So if you’re wondering if you should stay friends with your ex, these 13 Reddit users may have some insight for you. Here’s what can happen if you try to going back to the friend-zone.

1. Being friends with an ex you still love can work if you take some time to heal first.

ENTITY reports on being friends with an ex

“I’m friendly with practically everyone I’ve dated (and divorced). The main thing though is it takes time, especially if the relationship was long term. In your case, I would step back for awhile. Don’t cut ties [and] break off the friendship, but give yourself time to be out of the relationship and move on with out being around them for awhile.

“Part of the appeal of ‘we can still be friends” is that the person who didn’t do the breaking up (you in this case) can still hold on to some bit of the relationship and that normally ends up turning into holding out hope that you’ll get back together.

Remaining friends directly out of the breakup has the potential to just hurt you all over again when they date someone else or try to move on themselves. Give yourself time alone and work on the friendship a little later down the road or as something very low on your to-do list, so to speak.”

2. Being friends with an ex while in a relationship requires a lot of trust.

My boyfriend is currently living with his ex – I have absolutely no problems with that. I think as long as you trust the other person and openly communicate with one another there’s no issue.

“Obviously everyone thinks it’s really weird, but I saw two options: let this stop me from getting to know the most wonderful man I’ve ever met or put trust on the table and appreciate everything that comes with it.”

3. Being friends with an ex and getting back together only works if you both want it.

ENTITY reports on being friends with an ex

“My husband left, said he wanted a divorce during a fight and then moved out. I didn’t want it but I was too hurt and proud to really fight. And I thought if it’s what he wants, and I love him, then I will give him this. He filed for divorce.

“The day we finalized we started spending time together again and he told me he was moving to Alaska. I realized I might never see him again after he moved, and that realization helped me let go of all the anger I had been holding onto and we spent a couple of great weeks together before he left. And the relationship continued to grow…

“We haven’t yet remarried but we are building a stronger relationship than we had before. It can be hard to get over the hurt, anger and sadness-but it can be done if you both want it and choose each other, every day.”

4. When your ex wants to stay friends, remember to spend time apart first.

“It is my opinion that you cannot be friends while you are breaking up…it is best to make a clean break – at first, at least – and then re-visit the friendship later, when the feelings from the romantic relationship have faded.

If a relationship ends in hurt, the hurt can fade and you might be able to re-discover what you did like about the person and form a friendship. If the relationship ends amicably, staying close with the person can make it hard to move on.”

5. When trying to ask your ex to stay friends, don’t ask, ‘Can we be friends?’

ENTITY reports on being friends with an ex

“I would want to remain friends, or at least on good terms, with an ex so long as the break up wasn’t nasty. However, I feel like instead of ending it with a “Can we be friends?” it should be more of a door left open – “I’d still like to be friends. I’ll be around if you want to, too.”

“It’s less of an obligation/pressure and more of a gentle offer.”

6. Choosing to stay friends with an ex depends on the relationship.

“Everybody is different. Yes you can stay friends and no you cannot. I personally have stayed friends with exes and not. It’s often hard and like everybody has said on here: you need a long break from talking in order to change a relationship into a friendship. Unfortunately there will almost always be some kind of attraction, jealousy or other feelings by somebody down the line when you decide to remain friends.”

7. To have a successful friendship with your ex, you need to get rid of the feelings.

ENTITY reports on being friends with an ex

“It’s possible, but tough. Both parties need a long time apart though, with clear daylight between yourselves and any residual feelings.

“If after a year or so you’re both over it, then there’s a good chance your compatibility will work as friends, too. However, it means not pissing each other off in the interim with overflowing emotions, angry texts or drunken late-night I-love-yous.”

8. You shouldn’t stay friends with an ex if you still have feelings.

As long as you still have feelings for him, it’s probably a bad idea. You’ll see signs in his behavior that you two still might work together, and will cling on to him in hope that it does, but it won’t.

“He broke it off, and he’s done with it. Take some time apart, and if you find your feelings for him gone in the future, contact him again if you want.”

9. Sometimes being friends with an ex depends on how the relationship ended.

“It really depends on the circumstances of your break up. However, even if it was mutual, you can’t try and force being friends, and you can’t try right away. It will not work if you don’t both take some time apart.

“That means no seeing each other, calling/texting/facebooking each other, nothing. You need to work on getting over your romantic feelings for her before you can be friends. It is very easy to slide back into those feelings until they’re gone, and no matter how mutual your break up, being friends with an open wound will lead to feelings, resentment, jealousy and all-around misery.”

10. It’s important to focus on changing during the time in between breaking up and getting back together.

We broke up for about a year, kept contact throughout the break up, which was probably a bad idea. We did our own thing for a bit – traveling, seeing other people. But nothing compared to what we had and we both just reconnected one day and decided to give it another try.

The most important thing is that one of you or both of you have to change during the breakup…this requires time, so I’d say if you want any hope at getting back together, a good year apart at least is needed.”

11. Being friends with benefits with an ex is not the greatest of ideas.

ENTITY reports on being friends with an ex

“I broke up with my ex… we hooked up the entire time we were ‘broken up.’ It was so emotionally tiring and difficult for my emotional mental health.

“After a couple months of this, we decided to completely cut each other out. It was hard, but it made it better in the end.”

12. Being friends with an ex is easier if you started out as friends.

“Yeah, my ex girlfriend was my best friend before we started dating, and after a few months of no contact after our breakup to recover, we went back to being best friends again.”

13. It can be hard seeing your ex with someone else if you choose to stay friends.

“It was hard at first. I got jealous when she got a new boyfriend, but ultimately that fizzled out and we tried again for a few months before calling it a day. I still found it difficult for a while after the second breakup, but got over it and now we’re just great friends. She told me recently that she’s gotten engaged, and I couldn’t be happier for her. It’s definitely worth it as she’s a great friend and I value our friendship very much.”

At the end of the day, being friends with an ex will never happen immediately. As these Reddit users have explained, it takes time, patience and understanding. Time heals all wounds, but if you’re not ready, then there’s no need to force it.

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