Opinion: Coercion Is Not Consent and You Need to Know the Difference

Okay, y’all. I was trying to rein in the ranting, but I’m going to need to get back on my soap box for a hot second. And I’m sure you know why.

This Aziz Ansari garbage has opened up the biggest can of worms, releasing the most egregious of faux feminists that I’ve spent the last few days trying to stop my eye balls from popping out of my damn head, I’ve been rolling them so hard. (And yes, I know the Babe article was less than ethical journalism and poorly reported, but it did bring up important discussions that need to be had.)

Look, I love Aziz Ansari, too. I get that it sucks when one of your faves does something problematic. But no one is saying Aziz is Harvey Weinstein. He’s not. But he doesn’t have to be as bad as the worst bad guy just to have done something wrong. Coercion is not consent. That’s what we want to get across here.

So, let’s talk about sex, shall we? Or, more specifically, bad sex. Bad sex is like Carrie Bradshaw’s jackrabbit of a partner in “Sex and the City” who left her with a stiff neck. It’s Jon Hamm in “Bridesmaids,” only worried about himself, and then it’s lights out! Snore city. It’s McLovin’ in “Super Bad,” wondering if sex was even happening… Bad sex is not when a guy pressures you so much that you feel like you are going to vomit and then cry all the way home.

Let me just say right now to any woman who thinks that is bad sex, bless your little heart. Honey, I feel for you, because that is not bad sex. I can’t imagine what you believe to be good sex, if your only standard is it having not been pressured or forced. Men, DO BETTER.

See, this is the problem. Women like she-who-shall-not-be-named from the dumpster fire that was the Atlantic piece think that women these days are weak. But in reality, you’re making us that way. Because you are allowing men to get away with the bare minimum of human decency. Oh, he didn’t coerce me into sucking him off? What a great guy! Best sex ever. Now, that must mean that someone who does force me is just bad at sex, right? NO.

Look, I’ve been there. I remember a date who wanted to come into my apartment. And it was early. So whatever? But I knew from the get-go that I didn’t want to sleep with him that night. So I told him as much. And he agreed. I made sure of it, otherwise he wasn’t welcome inside. He even said, “Look, I’m not some kind of a creep.” Great.

So I believed him. So tell me why the SECOND we got in there he was on top of me and trying to pressure me into sex. I was trying to give him reasons that would make him back off, but to be honest, I didn’t owe him anything. I said no. And guess what? He didn’t give a shit. How shocking.

That’s because we have conditioned men to understand that when a woman says “no,” or “not tonight” or “I’m uncomfortable” it is actually just a jumping off point to get to that “yes.” And I bet these backwards, faux-feminist women who are claiming Grace’s story is revenge porn or regret or stupidity are probably the same people who wonder what a girl was wearing when she was raped, or ask why a rape survivor didn’t come forward. THIS is why. Because it isn’t safe. Because YOU will question her. Her sisters, who have likely been in the same position and should have her back.

I’ve talked about this Aziz thing with friends. We’ve almost all been in a similar situation. And no, you can’t always leave. Yes, I like to think I’m a strong, independent woman. But if a man tries to keep me in his apartment, towering over me, countering my every step, debating my every reason to go home… it’s not always easy for me to just get up and leave. Trust me, I wish it were. I’d be a less anxious individual, I’d wager. But that’s just not the reality.

At least for me it was just torturously long and awkward and uncomfortable. For some women, outright saying no means death. And don’t act like that is not a possibility, Miss Aziz is not a mind reader (New York Times piece). And no, I will not be linking to any of these articles because I think they are bullshit and harmful, and perpetuate rape culture.

On that note, let’s talk about this revenge porn Miss Susie Homemaker claimed the Babe article to be. Ironic that she tries to make that point, when studies show that young women – like Grace – are more likely to be targeted. One in 10 women under the age of 30 have experienced threats of revenge porn, a much higher rate than either older women or older and younger men.

Also, are the people in your Facebook thread sharing the Atlantic piece also noting that this woman has notoriously old-fashioned views in general? This is a woman who has written, “The way a lonely man in a motel room pores over Playboy, I pore over descriptions of ironing and kitchen routines.” And hey, I’m not going to knock a woman for what she wants to do in her spare time. Feminism is all about choice.

But this writer doesn’t quite extend the same courtesy. In her book “Girl Land,” she mocks sexually active couples who opt not to save themselves for marriage, ridiculing how they stand at the altar waiting for the phrase, “you may kiss the bride.” She writes, “Well, why not? He’s been doing God knows what else to her since the night they met at the softball league happy hour.” Guess if you’re not a virgin you just can’t get married?

She also advocates for a father at home to protect young women from “punks,” who can be “emotionally, physically or sexually abusive” because “one thing punks can’t stand is coming under the authority and scrutiny of a powerful adult male.” The book was released in 2012, but it may as well have come out in the Forties for the crap advice she’s spewing.

I mean, does this really sound like the sex-positive, feminist who should be sharing her commentary on the complicated politics of romance today? OF COURSE this woman is going to blame it on Grace. If an engaged couple gets torched for having the NERVE to fool around before their wedding, then I guess God help a twenty-something single girl who dares to go home with a man and yet not give him everything he wants.

Bottom line – sometimes it’s okay to just stay out of it. You didn’t need to stroll in and be the Piers Morgan of sexual assault and perpetuate rape culture just to capitalize on a hot topic. Same goes to The New York Times, who dangerously allowed someone to call Grace’s experience “bad sex.”

Once again, coercion is not consent. And I repeat, no one thinks Aziz is some Harvey Weinstein rapist working his way through Hollywood, taking one woman down at a time.

But we do think that he is a popular celebrity who has gained a good amount of his popularity on the basis of feminism and believing in equal rights and women’s autonomy. I mean, he has episodes of his hit series “Master of None” documenting the struggle women go through in modern dating. He even wrote a book on it! So don’t tell me he didn’t understand what Grace was trying to tell him.

I don’t think he should be burned at the stake. But he does need to know why what he did was wrong. All men do. And we need to let them learn. Because even more dangerous than the apparent horror of nice boy Aziz’s reputation being damaged, is people leaving this situation thinking that forced sex is “bad sex.”

Let’s be real – we all know what bad sex is. And what happened to Grace is NOT it.