Relationships June 22, 2018
Stop rejecting compliments and love yourself.
Self-esteem: It’s a word that seems to get thrown around a lot, but how do you actually define it?
The minds at Merriam-Webster define self-esteem as “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself.” However, it also includes two synonyms: self-respect and self-conceit. These two synonyms have very different connotations, one being positive and the other negative.
Similarly, PsychologyToday writes that “Possessing little self-regard can lead people to become depressed, to fall short of their potential, or to tolerate abusive situations and relationships. Too much self-love, on the other hand, results in an off-putting sense of entitlement and an inability to learn from failures.”
So if we think about self-esteem as a spectrum, what does this mean about our own lives? Where is the balance between self-respect and self-conceit? It’s another “self” word.
Self-compassion.
In Christopher Germer’s book “The Mindful Path to Self Compassion,” he says, “Self-compassion soothes the mind like a loving friend who’s willing to listen to our difficulties without giving advice until we can sort out our problems for ourselves.”
Self-compassion, by Germer’s definition, leaves the choices up to you. Your choice to accept yourself, failures and all, is how you gain self-esteem.
So now that we’ve got that tricky definition out of the way, how do we go about being compassionate toward ourselves? Here’s the game plan.
Think about what you like about yourself and take your time. However, you have to be careful about what you use.
Guy Winch from PsychologyToday writes, “Positive affirmations are like empty calories. You can tell yourself you’re great but if you don’t really believe it, your mind will reject the affirmation and make you feel worse as a result. Affirmations only work when they fall within the range of believability, and for people with low self-esteem, they usually don’t.”
So think about something you’re really proud of, something that happened in your past, and allow yourself to feel good about it.
You’ve given yourself compliments now, so it’s time to accept them from other people. As women, that can be hard. When someone says, “Oh, I like your shirt,” it seems a possible response is, “Wait, really? The stripes make me look fat.”
It can be easy at times to feel undeserving, but Winch says that “receiving praise from others when we feel negatively about ourselves elicits discomfort because it conflicts with our existing belief system.”
Therefore, if you want to work on your self-esteem, you have to get to a point where you’re comfortable accepting compliments. When someone compliments that shirt, what’s your response?
“Thanks! I am rocking it, huh?”
Here’s the hard part: you need to face your inner demons. You know that negative voice in your head that says you aren’t good enough? Don’t give it another minute.
Now, we’ve all made mistakes in our lives, but we don’t need to dwell on them. “What if the critic is true? It doesn’t matter. Negative self-talk is never in your interest,” Jennice Vilhauer, a psychologist at Emory University, wrote in PsychologyToday. “There is always a different, kinder, better way to treat yourself that doesn’t involve negative labels and self-destructive mindsets.”
It’s time to forgive yourself and focus on the future.
Self-esteem isn’t just a buzzword. It’s a part of ourselves that we all need to address and care for. Now that you understand it, go forth and give yourself the encouragement and forgiveness this world needs.
