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We all have a friend who claims they are still “close friends” with their ex and that it’s “not weird” (and if you don’t have this friend, you probably are the friend). As bystanders to this madness it is easy for us to see that this used-to-be-relationship is headed in a terrible direction.

Yet when we are the person texting our exes it doesn’t feel that irrational (trust me I have been there). But it is.

Shocking as it sounds, there is actually a reason (and probably a giant slew of reasons) that you and this person broke up.

Breaking up is not easy, but the basis of most breakups is that there are now less pros than cons in staying together. A significant other has such an important and influential role in your life, and it’s hard to let that go. And depending on how the relationship ended, you’re going to want them to leave your life as seamlessly as possible.

And sometimes that means you need a clean break.

Staying friends with your ex immediately after your relationship only prolongs the pain. While it might seem like the best case scenario because you got out of the relationship without losing the person, this can be harmful in the long run.

As much weight as we put on labels, they’re not everything. Most of the relationship comes from the time and energy you invest into the other person, so if you’re still investing time into that person and now you’re just calling them your “friend”, not much has changed.

Personally, the only reason I was (temporarily) “friends” with any of my past relationships was so I had a better excuse to explain to my best friends when they asked why I was still texting him.

“Oh, we’re just trying to be friends now, you know, since we get along so well anyways” sounded a lot better than “Well, even though we broke up I just want to keep texting him constantly because I’m really attached and don’t want to feel completely alone”.

Plus, if they were texting you, they probably weren’t moving on very quickly, right? Right.

Since no one actually plans on being real friends with their ex (and if you do you’re delusional), why do we continue to play into the facade?

First, if you broke up with them, and you’re still encouraging the friendship, you’re just being cruel. If they had any sort of awareness of who they were with, they were probably very into you, and you clearly were not into them enough. So, you should let them move on.

Second, if they broke up with you and you are trying to maintain a friendship, stop.

It is every boy’s dream to have a girl he is comfortable enough to hang out with, give him attention, and probably end up hooking up with again, with absolutely no commitment.  If you for some reason don’t believe these are his intentions (maybe because you live under a rock), here’s some science to back it up:

A 2016 study from Oakland University  looked at 861 men and women to find out the motivations behind staying friends with an ex. Surprisingly (*gasp*), they found out that “Men rated practical and sexual reasons for staying friends as more important than women did”. So basically, if a man is trying to stay friends with you, it is either logistically convenient for him or he is trying to sleep with you.

Naturally any woman probably could have told you this.

On top of men using your relationship-turned-friendship for mostly sex (saw that one coming), men who said the main benefits of maintaining a friendship for sexual and “practical” (read: easy booty call) purposes also show indicators of “dark personality traits” like disagreeableness, manipulativeness and exploitative tendencies.

We have basically just been informed that there is science that your ex is just trying to sleep with you or has “dark personality traits”. Again, I am utterly shocked. I don’t know about you, but I’m not trying to get involved with any man after my platinum vagine or any man displaying “dark” anything. No, thank you.

So, if you were trying to be friends with your ex before, now that you know there is an actual scientific study saying you should stop… you should probably stop.

Those 2:00 AM texts saying they miss you just got so much less cute.

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