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CONTENT WARNING: This personal essay details emotional abuse and makes mention of physical abuse. If you or anyone you know is in an abusive relationship, please look into the National Domestic Violence Hotline, which has phone and text options.

After leaving an abusive relationship, I was struggling to find who I was without a man in my life. I was struggling to heal. I was struggling; trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and who I wanted to be. I was trying to be my own superwoman, but I didn’t know where to begin.

After being married for six years, I was having difficulty accepting the fact that he and I would never be together again. I wondered if it was the right thing for myself and my kids. I wondered how we would get along without the man that had been in our lives for so long. 

In the beginning:

ENTITY shares how I became my own superwoman.
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Before we made the final decision to split up, our marriage had been a whirlwind. I had already started to find my own superwoman inside myself, and he rejected it with full force.

We never had what one would call a “good” marriage. But, when we got married, we had already created one gorgeous, amazing, and talented little girl, with another on the way.

Our wedding was fun and beautiful. My Alfred Angelo Jasmine dress fit perfectly, despite my protruding belly. My feet were so swollen that I could only wear my heels to walk down the aisle, changing into flats directly after.

However, I wish I would have listened to my feet that day. It was as though they were telling me the swelling wouldn’t completely leave after I had my baby. Instead, it would move around my body. It moved to all the parts of me that he destroyed bit by bit and day by day. 

After the Honeymoon Phase

ENTITY Mag explains the pain that goes into becoming your own superwoman.
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When you’re in an abusive relationship, whether it’s physical, verbal, emotional, mental – it’s hard to think of yourself as valuable. Every day, you wonder, “Am I good enough? What did I do wrong? Why do they hate me?”

Andrea Matthews from Psychology Today describes an emotionally abusive partner as someone who:

“He may think that he knows what’s best for his partner or what looks correct to the outside world, so he constantly tries to control her every move, criticizing her harshly when she doesn’t do something his way or threatening her when she seems to go outside the lines.”

For me, it got to the point where he convinced me to hate myself. Nothing I did was “right” in his eyes. The way I took care of my kids wasn’t right. The way I cleaned wasn’t good enough. He told me that the wedding planning business I had started with my mom wasn’t right because we didn’t bring in enough money. I felt ugly, not only externally, but internally, too. I felt guilty and felt like I just wasn’t a good mother or wife.

Matthews explains that constant criticism is a way that abusers, “Attempt to gain and keep control,” over victims.

My depression became so bad that I was barely functional. This put a major hindrance on my ability to care for my kids and myself. Eventually, I started therapy, and I repeatedly asked him to go as well, but to no avail.

A lack of support

Be my own superwoman.
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A couple of years after I decided to go back to school, in an attempt to gain some confidence and get my spirit back, I received a multitude of internship offers and opportunities.

“This is it,” I thought, “I’m finally becoming my own superwoman.” I felt on top of the world! I could see myself working hard to accomplish my dreams. I was thrilled to pursue the one thing that had always been my true passion since I was a child – writing.

However, to my husband, it didn’t matter.

It didn’t matter how good I felt or how proud of myself I was. Once in a while, he would say, “I’m proud of you.” But most of the time, it was, “Why can’t you do what I want you to do instead? Pay attention to me.

The fact that he couldn’t see how much this meant to me, how great it made me feel to be finding myself again – that was the beginning of the end.

This is, unfortunately, a common occurrence between spouses. Relationship expert Susan Winter calls this phenomenon, “emotional sabotage.” She explained to CNBC some of the reasons that this happens:

“They’re jealous of the time and energy you spend on your career and compete for your emotional attention in trying to be the sole focus of your life.”

Winter further explains that a new job or career milestone, like going back to school, creates a significant lifestyle switch and in a way, creates a shift in power.

When it got to the point where he would tell me how terrible I was for working hard at school and trying to get experience for my career. That’s when I knew it was time to go. I didn’t have his support, and I desperately needed support from the one person who was supposed to understand me. 

My own superhero happy ending

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After we decided that a divorce would be best, I felt myself begin to care about me so much more. I started working out, eating healthier, and feeling better in general. I began to wear makeup again – something I love – and wearing nicer clothes. I’ve worked hard at school, and with less than a year left, I will finish my Bachelor’s Degree and graduate with honors.

My depression still comes and goes, as it does for everyone who has depression or another mental illness. However, without being told every day how awful I am, what a terrible mother, wife, woman, I am – it’s become much easier to handle on a daily basis. I’m no longer fighting with myself to become my own superwoman.

I have found her. She was inside all along. 

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