Relationships August 30, 2017
We know you want to. But we also know how hard it is.
If you’re Googling, “How to get over an ex,” then you might be pretty desperate. But hey, we’re not here to judge because heartbreak, simply put, sucks.
If you’re going through this currently, then you know that it’s a dull, aching pain that never really seems to go away. Unless you fall in love again. You can block your ex on every form of social media, but you’re never really able to block out the romanticized memories of your relationship.
But, you know as well as we do that it’s time to move on. And since we know it can be hard, let us teach you how.
New York-based psychologist Dr. Karen Weinstein told Business Insider that to get over an ex, you have to stop putting your memories on a pedestal.
“Reflect on the relationship for what it was, likely it was neither all good nor all bad,” Dr. Weinstein advised. “Resist the common tendency to idealize the relationship. It’s very common to only recall and focus on the wonderful aspects of the relationship. This makes it even harder to accept the reality that it’s over and is the equivalent of ‘denial’ in the stages of grief.”
Basically, think about your relationship from an objective perspective – as best you can, of course. Don’t tell yourself that it was an atrocious relationship if you know there were some good parts. But at the same time, you’re not supposed to sit on your couch, moping about how much you “lost.”
Chances are, if you’re broken up, there’s a good reason. Remember that reason.
You can’t focus on the good old days if you’re busy making memories with your friends, right?
According to The Huffington Post, a study shows that being around your best friend decreases stress. Researchers tested the levels of the stress hormone, cortisol, of kids when they were around their best friends. Kids who were around their best friends during unpleasant experiences had the lowest amount of cortisol.
So, grab your best friend and spend the day having too much fun to even think about your ex.
According to a Journal of Science study, the placebo effect is the best way to get over an ex. If you do things that make you feel like you’re getting over an ex, you can actually start to get over your ex.
According to USA Today, Leonie Koban, an author of the study and postdoctoral research associate at the University of Colorado Boulder said in a statement, “In our study, we found a placebo can have quite strong effects on reducing the intensity of social pain.”
Sometimes you have to fake it ’til you make it.
David Braucher L.C.S.W., Ph.D. who lectures at the NYU School of Social Work and has a private practice in Manhattan, wrote in Psychology Today about how to get over an ex by giving examples of his patients.
He wrote about the internal image of an ex, which is the memories and feelings we create in our minds. By differentiating these recollected memories from the actual person, it’ll help us learn to love ourselves.
He talked about his patients who constantly revisited old memories. This ability to recollect old, happy memories of closeness signifies our ability to love and be close to another person.
It’s life. We will go through a series of loves and losses, so instead of focusing on how we hate that person, it’s important to focus on what we loved about them, how we loved them and how they helped us grow. Remember: be realistic.
Braucher wrote, “The accumulation of internal images of lovers contributes to a richer internal world. These images represent the breath of our loving self. We are strengthened by the variety of ways in which we can experience ourselves as loving. As the adage goes, we never fall in love the same way twice. We are revealed to ourselves through our relationships. Maybe in some ways all loves are important in allowing us to experience ourselves as loving.”
It’s easy to want to hate your ex and resent them for breaking up with you. Don’t. Appreciate every experience as a learning experience and way to help you grow. This way, you can move past a relationship without harboring any destructive emotions.
We’ve all been in the position where we feel like getting a haircut or dying our hair after a breakup will help us move on, but does it ever really? And by the way, staying drunk every night after a breakup isn’t going to help you get over an ex either. Contrary to Childish Gambino’s song “Sober” and Tove Lo’s “Stay High,” you don’t have to smoke or drink yourself into oblivion to keep yourself from thinking about your ex.
Dr. Weinstein also told Business Insider that it’s not healthy to act out after a breakup.
“Identify all of your feelings, especially the impulsive, darker, angrier ones, but try not to act on them,” Dr. Weinstein said. “Acting out can include behaviors ranging from excessive drinking, overeating, shopping, to obsessively texting your ex, online stalking of your ex [or] promiscuous sex.”
These are habits that only keep you from falling down a spiral of despair and loneliness. The best way to get over an ex is to take care of yourself. Find healthy outlets to ease your pain.
Breakups are terrible and getting over an ex might seem impossible most of the time. And while it’s okay to wallow in your despair for a little bit, you’re going to need to realize that breakups are a part of life, and it’s best to move on. Hopefully, these tips can help you get off the “How to get over an ex” Google page and outside spending time with your best friends.
