Relationships April 29, 2020
LDRs aren't easy, but they are doable! Read on to learn how.
Image via Unsplash/@madibazzoccoSo, you’ve met that lovely person. He (she/they) have something special, something like static in the air after summer fireworks or your mother’s best dish —something familiar yet exquisite every time. He (she/they) make you feel that tingly strange feeling that you may have felt before but not like this. Now, the prospect of a long-distance relationship (LDR) not only frightens you but makes you sad. You wonder, “how do people survive long-distance relationships?”
It’s okay to cry or curse or throw something because trust me, I’ve done all of those things. Long-distance relationships are trash and don’t believe anyone who tells you otherwise. It isn’t sweet and it’s not cute or endearing. It’s freaking frustrating because you can’t communicate the way you want to with the person you care about most in the world.
A caring text can sound sarcastic, when in fact, he really does think you’re funny, a video chat instead of a face to face interaction can leave you empty and don’t get me started on hormones. Your patience will be tried, as will your overall concept of a relationship and you will learn things about yourself and your significant other that will change you. Whether that change is for the better or not is for you to decide when the time comes, but for now, I’ll help prepare you for the strenuous months or years ahead.
I have been in a LDR for two years now. My consensus? It’s the best/worst thing I’ve ever done. And you’ll understand what I mean by that after these 10 tips on how to survive your LDR.
This may seem like an obvious statement but humor me for a minute. Do you really know what an LDR entails? Long-distance, as I’ve blatantly stated, is no fun. You won’t be near your significant other (S/O) to comfort them when they’re sad. There will be no touching and miscommunication will be worse.
This is not to scare you from loving your S/O from afar, but to help you get a better idea of what you’ll be sacrificing. Can you be long-distance and for how long? Do you have a time limit? The funds to meet your S/O every few months?
If you have asked yourself these questions and still feel able to embark on this journey then do proceed. Just make sure to take a moment and process first before time is wasted. Friends and family are the best for these moments. Phone someone who is dear to you and have them help you weigh the pros and cons.
I have been in an LDR for two years now. My consensus? It’s the best/worst thing I’ve ever done. And you’ll understand what I mean by that after these 10 tips on how to survive your LDR.
You have to communicate in order for the relationship to survive. Before your S/O leaves there should be an understanding of when you two should FaceTime/ Skype, call and text. The reason being there may be conditions where you two can’t communicate as you’d like because of work or family restrictions.
There will be times when neither of you are talking to each other and this is okay because although it’s tempting to want to talk to your significant other all day every day, it’s impossible. Plus that type of communication is draining. Quality over quantity is a real thing, so you two should decide when you are to have quality time together.
For instance, my fiancé and I keep Friday nights as movie night. First, we talk about our day, express concerns then destress with a raunchy horror film. This way, all of our attention is on each other instead of other obligations.
Communicating everything means talking about the good and the bad. Maybe there are situations you’d rather not bring up or feel better sitting on. In this case, you’ll have to open up. An example could be an Instagram like you’re wary about or something that was said during an argument or in a text that you still feel hurt over.
In one study, researchers found that overall, couples in LDRs had deeper and more meaningful communication with their partners than those in geographically close relationships. One of the researchers, Vinita Mehta, PhD said:
“If you live in the same area, you can sort of slide by with staying on the surface and perhaps not get a chance to really get to know each other, but long-distance, because of the barrier, forces very deep communication.”
Even so, miscommunication is the killer of LDR’s as no face to face interaction can cause misinterpretations and confusion. In the end, it’s always much better to talk about your problems and get it over with. This is good advice for any relationship and something you’ll always feel better having done rather than not.
That means no stealing each other’s social media account information. (I mean you could but that would just show your significant other that you do not trust him or her). You need to take a step back, you need to know that this is the person you fell in love with in the first place and to trust that judgment.
If you find that you cannot trust that judgment, that simply means that you can’t be in a relationship with this person; long-distance or otherwise. This also means you need to allow your significant others to have friends. Whether those friends are the opposite/same gender or not is between you two but it’s important in deciding where to draw the line between being a good girlfriend/boyfriend or being controlling. No one wants to be controlled especially not you.
So roll your shoulders back, relax, and don’t obsess over Instagram likes or the friends your partner has. Instead, take the time to love your S/O by exercising trust.
This is the best part. You finally get to embrace each other after all this time! The planning will be the most exciting as you two are a team and are pumped up while running over the details.
The trips should be spaced out so you two have adequate time to save and call off of work. They will be fun but make sure you’re not going into debt over them. By planning ahead you can see where you could work more hours and put money away.
My S/O and I typically see each other every three months. We do three trips a year, one big long trip and two short ones. This not only gives us time to see each other but time to miss each other too. I know that sounds crazy given the nature of our relationship, but when we are filled with anticipation for one another it makes these getaways that much more fun.
That being said you should enjoy waiting to be reunited with your S/O. Throw away bitterness because most likely nothing could have been done to escape your separation. It’s all about the cup being half full, right?
You will have moments when it’s unbearable but I recommend sharing this feeling with your partner (refer to tips 1&2). In those moments remember the trips and the main reason for your suffering – you want to be with your S/O at the end of the day.
This means knowing when the wait is over. This knowledge will make not seeing each other easier as it will drive everything you do.
When you communicate with your S/O about this make sure it’s realistic. For instance, if your partner lives in California and you in New York when both of you are still dependent on your parents, it’s unrealistic to say your wait will be over in one year.
Goals and saving plans will be your best friends and staying on top of them will be important. You may hate being frugal for some time but just think about that cute townhouse with the decent sized yard you’ll rent to own in approximately 3.5 years (or whatever version of perfect you have in mind).
It’ll all be worth it.
This is important because it makes your relationship real. I know how crazy that sounds. Of course your relationship is real, but all of this long-distance and internet interaction can make you forget what it’s like to have real people around you.
Having time with your significant other’s friends proves a lot of things. It proves that your significant other wants to show his friends to you and whether or not you can enjoy time around his friends.
Relationship expert Mara Opperman said in an interview with Bustle that being friends with your partner’s friends is good for any relationship, long-distance or otherwise.
“If they like you, the more you will be included. More importantly, by making the effort to become friendly with your SO’s friends, you are showing your SO how much you care about them,” Opperman said.
Lastly, it shows what type of person your partner is because as the saying goes; we are who we surround ourselves with. This is the same with you. You also want to share time with your friends and your partner because you want the people you love to know this big part of your life.
Being separated from each other will leave you two with more time on your hands than you care to have. In your other relationships maybe you and your partner went to the movies during free time or just sat on the couch and chilled watching Netflix.
But this is a little different. Your significant other lives across the state or in a different country, you guys have different times zones and you don’t have time to be with each other.
So instead of crying about it what you need to do is enjoy it. Love it. (Refer to tip four if you may). It’s a good time for you to find yourself. This is because when you guys finally are united you will spend all of the time in the world together just like relationships that are not long-distance.
In a 2018 study, researchers found that individuals in LDRs tend to engage in self-help behaviors more than individuals in a traditional relationship. They explained that these people had more time to pursue hobbies and even educational and career goals. They spent less time worrying about their relationship because their bond already has so much trust (see #4).
During this time of the relationship, you kind of get to enjoy the perks of being single. Go to that coffee shop or find out what kind of hobbies you like, enjoy your time. That way when you and your significant other do get together, you’ll understand more about your own boundaries and how far you’re willing to go for this person.
Try not to get bored! There are not enough “what are you doing”’s and “how was your day’s” to keep you two entertained. What you need is a date night, a game night, apps, and videos that will help you guys have something new to talk about.
This can vary between couples but you need to find something that you both enjoy. Whether that be Game of Thrones, binge-watching The Office on Netflix or playing Sims from the App Store, there has to be something you two do in your downtime to keep you connected.
Overall, it’s not all that bad. You still have that special person to talk to when the going gets tough, to call and say I love you and to enjoy time with. The reason I call it the best nightmare is simply because I’m impatient. But don’t be like me, be patient. Soon you’ll be in that lovely person’s arms and you’ll realize the distance didn’t break your relationship, it strengthened it.
