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rock solid marriage advice

Earlier this month I married the love of my life. I am not going to lie, it was the Best. Day. Ever. And every day since then has been filled with unicorns, butterflies and a whole lot of orgasms. But I am not naive, I know marriage takes work and 10 years from now we might not be as mushy-and-gushy as we are now.

Knowing this, I constantly ask people for marriage advice. I’ve heard everything from “Trust each other” to “If you’re going to have a threesome make sure it’s out of town.” Duly noted.

But I am a “Better be safe than sorry” type of gal and thus my thirst for advice is never totally quenched, so I often turn to the internet for more.  Below are 15 pieces of rock solid marriage advice from folks on Reddit who have been there, done that and lived to tell the tale.

1. Actively choose your spouse. Every day. 

Choose your spouse every day. Show them you do. Sometimes it’s easy to forget why you love a person. The things that you love, that make you both strong, will help you get through the worst times. Show them every day that you still choose them.”

2. Learn to argue, not to fight.

Listen to your partner even if your SO is saying things that are hurtful to you. Just listen and don’t get defensive. Look for solutions. Don’t take things personal. If you stop thinking of yourself for a second you will know that the criticism your partner has of you might actually help you become a better person.

Learn how to argue. And not fight.”

3. The little moments count more than you think. 

Do the small things. ‘Can I show you this thing I made?, ‘Want to walk the dog with me quickly?’ Just small stuff like that. I read somewhere that your willingness to do those things can determine a lot of your marriage. Sometimes I definitely don’t want to get off the couch and help my wife with something, but I know she really appreciates it when I do. It helps her feel loved and appreciated in ways that you just can’t when it’s only the big things.”

Editor’s note: This Redditor is referring to research by marriage experts and psychologists John and Julie Gottman. Read about their work here

4. You’re spouse is your teammate, not your enemy. 

“Remember that you two are on the same team. It should be you against the world, not against one another.

5. Remember love is a verb. 

Love is a verb. SHOW your S.O. you love them by doing things for them, telling them often that you love them, showing a genuine interest in their day/week, trying something that your S.O. enjoys (thrift-shopping, hiking, video games, etc.) and make sure they know that you are wanting to try it out because it’s something they enjoy and you want to see if they enjoy it to.”

6. Be the icing on the cake. 

“Don’t do anything that will make the other person’s day more difficult. Simple, but still the best advice I’ve ever received.”

7. Love is not a magic cure-all. 

Love does not fix everything, marriage is hard work that takes effective communication and honesty.

Metaphorically, you just bought a house together. That house is what you make it; a window may break, a door jams or the wooden plank on your porch may be loose. Don’t wait to fix them, that broken window turns into a higher heating bill when you could’ve just fixed the damn window and avoided a larger issue all together. Don’t let things linger and always be each other’s best friend.”

8. Sex isn’t everything, but it’s important.

“A good sex life makes up 5% of any marriage. A bad sex life makes up 95%.”

9. Just being there can go a long way. 

“The best relationship advice I have ever received is that  you don’t have to always verbally comfort them and you can still let them know you care by just being there – holding their hand or just sitting with them while they’re sad.”

10. Talk to each other (crazy right?!)

“Communicate. ANY issue that crops up we will tell each other. Even if it’s small or silly. That way nothing builds up over time. From the very first time we met online we decided to be ‘bluntly honest’ with each other, and it’s been absolutely awesome.”

11. Be an active participant in your marriage. 

“‘The grass is greener where you water it.’ That always stuck with me. Your relationship is what you make it. If you don’t put effort or love into it, it will die.”

12. Be a champion for your spouse. 

“Never EVER belittle your partner, especially in front of other people. And speak up for your partner if they need it.”

13. Never stop “dating”. 

“Don’t wait for special occasions, celebrate your love as often as you can, whether that’s an ice cream date, a short text or a being a surprise shower buddy. Little things go a long way.”

14. Remember the 60/40 rule. 

“The work in every relationship should be split 60/40, with both people trying to be the one giving 60%.”

15. Marriages ebb and flow. And that’s okay. 

You may always love your S.O., but you may not be totally into them all the time. Your relationship will go through phases where you are REALLY into each other, followed by cooling phases that border on indifference to each other (kinda like having a roommate). Don’t panic when things cool off because it’s going to happen with someone that you are with for (hopefully) decades. It doesn’t mean your relationship is ending, it’s just one of the phases. Just don’t let the cool phases last indefinitely.”

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