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Culture July 20, 2017
It's a lot more complex than you realize.
Photo via Instagram/@mksantucci“So, who wears the pants in the relationship?”
Gender roles have disrupted how we view relationships. Thus, when people look at queer and straight relationships, they always have to define a male role and a female role. Even if there are two women in the relationship, someone always has to be “the man.”
This is where the role of femme comes into play. It gives visibility to women who don’t identify as butch because we don’t need to fill every role in a relationship with a man or a woman.
Due to gender roles, women are frequently viewed as frail, and this is why Urban Dictionary says femmes are “often thought of as passive, dulcet, timid little things with long locks of hair; prissy dresses; great big fawn eyes; a high, baby-doll voice; the courage of a lamb and the intelligence of a gardenia.”
Okay first off, femmes are not all passive, dulcet timid little things, nor do they have the courage of a lamb and the intelligence of a gardenia. What does that even mean? How do you measure the courage of a lamb and the intelligence of a flower?
You don’t.
Now that we’ve discussed what femme is not, let’s talk about what it actually is.
According to Autostraddle, an online resource for the queer community, femme is used to identify a queer person who dresses and acts in a feminine manner. Anyone from a trans woman to a gay, non-binary individual can identify with the term. But, the word can only be used to describe someone who is both feminine and somewhere on the LGBTQ spectrum.
There are a number of differences between the two terms, but the main one is the LGBTQ factor. A cisgender, straight woman shouldn’t call herself femme. Unless, of course, she’s speaking in French because the French word for woman is femme. But other than that, femme isn’t for her.
A queer person brings visibility to their sexuality by using femme over feminine as a descriptor. They essentially take the stereotype placed on women and reclaiming the term.
For some, the femme identity isn’t about needing to fill a feminine role. They aren’t dressing “girly” in order to subscribe to an expectation of what women should look like. Instead, they act femme because they want to – they chose to do it.
“I don’t get dressed to tick off boxes or be sorted into a category; I get dressed to capture a very specific hyper-feminine feeling that isn’t quite complete until the last lash is lacquered,” Autostraddle writer, AJA said an article about identity. “Though I’m significantly tougher and infinitely less fussy than I look, I’d rather die than change how I dress in order to effectively communicate those things,”
No matter what, a woman’s clothing doesn’t define her personality or attitude. We’re women and we can be badass and hardcore, even in a dress and five-inch heels.
In order to understand femme, it’s important to understand its role in the LGBTQ community. When queer women identify as femme or butch, it isn’t to fulfill the gender binary, but to satisfy an inherent feeling. So when a queer woman identifies as femme, she’s not fulfilling a role based on her sexuality, she’s instead being authentic to her own needs.
“I think femme-ness is directly tied to queerness, though; it’s a resistance to traditional femininity and it’s tied to the heteropatriarchy, even if it sometimes mimics it. That’s what makes it powerful. That’s what makes us resilient,” Alaina said to Autostraddle.
Thus, when mainstream society assumes gender binaries and roles onto queer men and queer women, they erase their complex identities. But femme women are fighting back.
Femme women often don’t receive visibility because people just assume they are straight. But with the use of the term “femme,” it brings the queer part of their identity back into the conversation.
Femme women, like all women, have the freedom to be anything they want to be. Some of your favorite actresses may also be femme, but you just didn’t know.
Don’t worry. We’ve got you covered.
The “American Horror Story” actress came out at the 2005 Tony Awards when she kissed her then girlfriend Cherry Jones after Jones won a Tony. Paulson’s roles in “American Horror Story” will always blow us away, but not only is she an amazing actress, she also plays a vital role as an activist in the LGBTQ community and we’re here for it.
The “Pineapple” actress came out at GLAAD’s 25th-anniversary event. She’s also going to play Mera in “Aquaman” and “The Justice League” movies. What’s more badass than playing two superhero movies?
The actress has been in shows from “Ally McBeal” to “Scandal,” and her relationship with Ellen DeGeneres is #relationshipgoals. She also plays a talented doctor in the Netflix show “Santa Clarita Diet,” and she’s nothing short of hilarious and badass.
Ryerson played herself in “The Real L Word: Los Angeles,” but did you know she’s also an executive and model?
The “Sex and the City” star received the Vito Russo Award at the GLAAD Media Awards for making a significant difference in promoting equality for the LGBT community.
The hashtag #whatfemmelookslike was created to help solve the issue of visibility for femmes. Queer individuals posted pictures of themselves on Instagram with the hashtag to show people what it means to be femme.
Here are some of our favorite posts from that hashtag.
Basically? These pictures show how there isn’t a standard for femme women.
The point is to make it your own.
