Recent Posts
You’ve probably heard it several times in your life, whether while watching “Tangled” in the movie theater or during an argument with your own mother; the stern phrase, “Mother knows best.” Well, some studies suggest that she does. An experiment by the University of Texas, for instance, found that younger adults tend to act impulsively while older adults consider long-term ramifications before taking action. In some cases, though, mama’s advice may hinder more than it helps.
How do you know when to listen to your elders and when to follow your own advice? Here are the questions to ask yourself!
When someone gives you advice, one of your first questions should be, “Why?” Is someone offering guidance out of a true desire to help or could he or she have an ulterior motive? Matthew Swyers learned this lesson the hard way when, as he shares at Inc., he followed the advice of a business mentor who led him astray. In this case, Swyers’s mentor had a type of hidden agenda; a desire to reduce competition. Because Swyers didn’t consider this conflict of interest, he made a business purchase he regrets.
Now, it’s unlikely that your grandma is plotting your downfall as she suggests the best recipe for chocolate chip cookies or how to win a man’s heart. In fact, the hidden agenda in elders’ advice may come from a good place. Your mom could encourage you to stay with a boyfriend you don’t love because she doesn’t want you grow old alone. Family friends might push you to accept a local job because they know your parents enjoy having you close. A hidden agenda doesn’t necessarily equate to harmful advice but before you turn mama’s suggestions into reality, consider the “why” and personal benefits behind her words.
If you have ever read Greek mythology, you know that inter-generational competition is nothing new. Greek God Cronus ate his children out of fear they would dethrone him and – spoiler alert – Zeus eventually kicked Dad off his throne. You may discover a similar tension between you and the elders you love.
For instance, your father might initially support you training with him for marathons…until you start breaking his records and leaving him in the dust. Your mentor at work doesn’t mind when, as she did years ago, you start a blog – but then your blog earns numbers, features, and money that she can only dream of. Your advisor might even feel threatened in others ways. For instance, if you break up with your boyfriend, your mom might miss having a man to help around the house. Advice might be colored not by competition, but by a dislike of change – even if that change would be better for you.
So, how can a woman tell if competition or insecurity is driving someone’s advice? Try to see the situation from that person’s perspective and ask yourself, “How would my decision affect their life too?”
After days of waiting, you finally have it; the acceptance letter to your dream university, dream job or even your dream internship. Overflowing with excitement, you rush to share the good news with your parents – except all they see is the mailing address from across the world. Suddenly, what’s best for you may not match what your parents, or other familial elders, want. When evaluating advice, don’t forget to think about bias. In the case of an international job opportunity, parents may be biased against it because they prefer you to be close to home.
You’re probably asking for advice because you want an objective perspective, which, according to MusFormation, could give you clarity or help you identify the nuance in a situation muddled by your personal involvement. When you ask for others’ advice, though, make sure that their perspective is truly objective – or, at the very least, recognize any personal attachments they have to the issue at hand.
You’ve probably met one before; someone who, no matter the subject, eagerly offers hours of helpful advice from their exaggerated personal experiences, Internet research, or stories they’ve heard from “a friend of a friend.” Some people believe that they give expert advice when, in fact, they don’t have the knowledge you need. As Inc. advises, you should also remember that being an expert in one field doesn’t make someone an expert in what you want advice on – whether it’s being an entrepreneur, proposing to your significant other or scoring the tastiest watermelon at the grocery store.
In the case of advice from elders, you should also remember the context of their knowledge and experience. Maybe your grandma loves that you’re starting your own lingerie line because, in her day, no respectable woman could. Or, in the opposite case, maybe your grandparents don’t support your plans to marry because, in their day, interracial relationships weren’t common, safe, or accepted. Age can bring wisdom – but it can also make knowledge out-of-date.
While you probably want advice from an outside perspective, you may also need input from the people who know you best. When you share an emotional relationship with people, they not only know more about you, they are also familiar with your values and have your best interest at heart.
Which important facts could a close confidant know compared to a business mentor or stranger off the street?
As mentioned in earlier points, sometimes advice is hindered by people’s personal attachments to you or the issue being discussed. At the same time, though, the ones who know you best may also be the best ones to help you make a hard choice.
In some ways, your elders may really know best. They have been around longer and may have knowledge or experience that you don’t. If you have a close emotional relationship with them, they might even know you better than you know yourself! But, they aren’t you. They have their own priorities, different motivations and may even feel threatened by your success or changes in life.
As an article in Teen Vogue explains, at the end of the day, you’re the real expert on yourself and your particular situation. More than anyone else, you have spent time analyzing your options, reflecting on your own values and planning your future. In fact, you’re the only person who knows why you’re asking for advice in the first place – and you’re the only one who can choose what advice to follow.
Maybe the easier choice is to listen to advice from your elders. After all, that’s what girls have done, and have been expected to do, for centuries. If you fail, then it won’t be your fault. But the best choice is probably the harder one: considering the advice of others (especially in light of the questions mentioned above) and, in the end, making your own decision. When you do that, you’re not just choosing to love or leave your boyfriend, wear red or gold to the cocktail party, or accept a job in California or Colorado. You’re choosing to be one of the #womenthatdo (for themselves).
