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I’m alone on the cold floor, wearing nothing but my underwear and a sports bra, a drink in my hand. It’s nine A.M. and I’ve nothing to do. Was at my peak last year, and then I made the call. First time I’d purposely reached out to my mother without playing answering machine phone tag. Someone else picked up instead.
“I’m sorry, Cameron… Gloria passed away last month. No one told you?”
Girlfriend hasn’t responded to messages from last night. She doesn’t want me anymore. Why am I surprised? Nobody did before… Cameron, the gay, depressed, unemployed artist, who wears too much black. I could never match Mom’s bubble gum pink, angel sent from heaven, charity working thing. People always thought I was one of her volunteer cases… some foster kid. I hated it. No one knew mom like I did. The people at her charities were all strangers to me. And did they love her. “Isn’t she an angel… an angel on earth, and now finally flown to heaven.” How many times did I hear that—she was an angel, is an angel, now… What would they say, if they saw what only God and I did? It’s not like she killed anyone, though.
I’ll go for a beach run. Running is my one salvation, taking me home to myself. I run all the way down to the pier, usually, but right now I feel like hot garbage.
There’s a random little girl, wonder what she’s doing alone out here.
“Hello—are you alright? …Where are your parents?”
“Boston Cemetery, six feet under.” Weird.
“Um… Is everything okay? Are you lost or something?”
“You look so different, now.”
“Sorry, what’d you say?”
“You look different, Cameron. You cut your hair.” Weirder…
“…Do I know you?”
“Not like this,” She’s gesturing to her clothes… a sixties mod dress, white gogo boots, and yellow barrettes… “It’s been a long time.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t remember. Is everything okay? There’s nobody out here, I don’t think it’s safe for you to be alone.”
“I’m alright, Cameron.”
“How do you know my name?” She seems familiar. Her raspy voice belongs to someone much older…
“It’s me, Cameron—your mother, Gloria.”
“Excuse me?”
“Gloria. The parent whose funeral you attended whilst inebriated.”
“What the…”
“Had a whole bird’s eye view of the mess.” She’s pointing up at the sky…
“I don’t understand…”
“Look, I haven’t got a lot of time and I’d rather not get stuck down here in purgatory. Let’s get down to business.”
“What the hell is going on? Who are you?”
“I’ve only got so long to talk with you. Please just listen. I’ve been watching you—you’re taking your life for granted. You’re shutting everyone out. Julia is not coming back.”
“How’d you know my girlfriend’s name? And what’s with the cigarettes? Aren’t you like, eleven?”
“Don’t worry about it, I’m already dead. It’s brought me some perspective…”
Okay, maybe I am sick… and this is a fever dream. …Am I dead? It’s too weird. This girl has got the same scar along her right arm like mom had, from the car accident when she was little. And the yellow barrettes… I have those exact ones in some storage box from her estate crap last year.
“Well, you don’t sound like my mom. She wouldn’t be here right now, that’s for sure. She never showed up for me.”
“Why do you think I’m here now?”
“I don’t even know you.”
“Cameron! Will you just listen? God. You always think you know everything. Just listen for once—I’m not letting you make the same mistakes that I did. The bottle won’t wash your problems down, kid. I think you know that.”
“Who the hell died last year, then? Who got turned to dust and sprinkled over the damn ocean?”
“Trust me. I couldn’t see it, then, Cameron. I tried so hard to love you… it wasn’t your fault, I didn’t show it.”
“What?”
“I’m sorry. I tried to protect you but I couldn’t. I hurt you instead… don’t lose yourself to your anger, like I did.”
I can’t breathe.
“Why now? Why this? Why couldn’t you be there when I needed you? I was never enough for you. Why now? I can’t believe this…”
“Cameron, your life is precious… don’t waste it like I did mine… don’t sit back and blame the world for your pain. Live!”
“I didn’t ask for you to come here! And not like… this! Wait, where are you going?” Wiping my eyes won’t stop her from fading away like some magic trick.
“I have to go, now, Cameron… I love you. Remember—you’re not alone.” Into misty waves, she’s nearly gone…
And I am alone.
Hunter Hawkins is a writer, actor, singer, director, filmmaker, artist, and songwriter who is currently studying film at Santa Barbara City College. She has performed on tour with Kenny Loggins, and on the same stages as David Foster, Earth Wind & Fire, and Chicago’s Bill Champlain.
