March 7, 2017
“Do you want to have sex?” When you hear that question, no matter how it’s phrased, it often comes off as jarring and completely not sexy. Why would it? Popular culture has thoroughly romanticized the idea of a “perfect date” and the image of what “hot sex” is supposed to look like. Consent is usually never portrayed as sexy.
But how many of you have ever felt uncomfortable about being asked to go to someone’s room after a date? How many of you have worried about “ruining a mood” by talking about consent? Or how many of you are sometimes just not in the mood? Everyone feels this way at some point, but not everyone knows how to talk about it.
In fact, some people don’t even fully understand what justifies as “consent.” For starters, the Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Coalition defines consent as something that “can only be given by a person who does not feel pressured or coerced, and who is not under the influence of drugs or alcohol.” Just because you don’t say or hear a “no” doesn’t mean you hear a “yes.” Consent is mutually agreed upon and comes with a clear understanding of what is being asked.
Consent, in fact, is as clear as: “Yes, I want to have sex” or “No, I don’t want you to touch me.” At the same time, consent can be “renegotiated or withheld at any time,” according to the Anti Violence Project.
However, although consent is relatively easy to understand in theory, it is still difficult to put into practice. Therefore, here are some tips on how to ask for and give consent:
The Anti Violence Project says that this is one of the most important things to know about consent. Because alcohol is typically used to “absolve accountability” and sometimes to even “victim blame those who experience assault,” then you should talk to your partner when you are both sober. Generally, alcohol just makes it harder to give, show, or ask for consent from another person.
Everyday Feminism writes that consent is best given when sober because alcohol affects the ability to communicate clearly. Not only that, but alcohol can increase aggressiveness, can make people more determined to get that “one thing they are focused on,” and can make people “more likely to willfully disregard messages.” So, if it’s your first time talking to someone about consent, then do it while both your minds are clear.
In fact, consent is sexy, and the campaign “Consent is Sexy” would agree. According to the Consent is Sexy website, “sexy” is redefined as empowerment, honesty, and respect. By learning to ask for and give consent, it shows respect for yourself and your partner. When you ask for consent, you are showing that you are able to stand up to your personal beliefs and it acknowledges your desires. Consent also opens pathways of communication, which can help a relationship grow.
Even if your partner gave you consent earlier in the evening, that doesn’t mean they can’t withdraw that consent later. In addition, saying “yes” oral sex is not the same as wanting sexual intercourse. Although the Palo Alto Medical Foundation says a person can give non-verbal communication by actively engaging in the sexual act, “this implied consent is more difficult to gauge.”
Therefore, the safest way to know is to simply ask. If you’re unsure – even if you’re in the middle of intercourse – ask your partner. The Rainn website shares that some positive ways to ask for consent is by communicating with phrases like “Is this okay?” You or your partner can even ask, “Do you still want to do this?” And, as a response, either of you can say affirmative statements such as: “Yes” or “I’m open to trying.”
As previously stated, consent can be withdrawn at any time. If you become uncomfortable with something, simply say “no” or “please stop.” Saying “no” doesn’t have to be something you’re ashamed about. In fact, it is something that your partner should respect. You are not obligated to have sex with someone or to do anything that you are not okay with.
But in order to properly communicate this, withdrawing consent has to be just as clear as giving it. As Rainn says, “consent is about communication…the best way to ensure both parties are comfortable with any sexual activity is to talk about it.”
Overall, consent centers on respectful and honest communication. It is not consensual to refuse to acknowledge your partner’s “no.” It is not okay to assume that certain gestures immediately translate to consent. Any uncertainty should be clearly discussed.
Besides, consent can even be fun. As Bustle suggests, you can even turn asking for consent into a form of foreplay. For those of you who are really interested in not “killing the mood,” then make the act of being respectful sexy in your relationship.
Bustle writes, “If you and a partner have already established that you’re interested in seeing each other naked,” then try murmuring questions like: “Can I take your shirt off?” or “Can I kiss you here?” Change the tone of your voice, be playful, or do whatever else works for you. The most important thing is to make sure that you and your partner both want it.
