When I met my first boyfriend I would have never guessed a few years down the road he’d have his hands around my neck, my head banging against the floor. I would have never imagined sobbing on the floor as he spat on me. I would not have believed that I could let something like that happen. But that’s because I was young and ignorant about love and relationships. I didn’t know that this wasn’t love. I thought we stayed together – despite the tears and the scratch marks and the neighbors calling the cops – because we were truly meant to be together.
It’s hard to know when you’re young. No one really teaches you how to be in a relationship. People tell you love is work but it’s not THAT much work. You shouldn’t have to calm your boyfriend down from a violent rage every single day. You shouldn’t have to stay up all night even though you have work in the morning because he refuses to let you sleep while he’s upset. You shouldn’t be at the point of slitting your wrists to end the pain.
There are ways to get out and move on and find real love.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, every minute an average of 24 people are victims of rape, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner in the United States. In one year, over 12 million men and women experience intimate partner violence, with women aged 18-24 experiencing the highest rate.
I had the chance of talking with Alyssa Murray, 43 year old mother of three from Ashland, Oregon who has experienced multiple violently abusive relationships and has successfully gotten out of this pattern of abuse. She admitted to me that even after being severely assaulted, it took the threat of losing her children from social services to finally get out of the relationship. Her story woke me up – I don’t want my children to see what I’ve seen. I don’t want to still be dealing with this much pain twenty years down the road. I don’t want any more women to have to go through hell before they decide they deserve better. I want women and men to get out of this cycle of abuse before it gets worse.
It’s important to know the signs of an abuser. Often it’s hard to tell in the beginning of a relationship if someone is abusive – many times abusers are extremely charming at first. As the relationship gets more serious however, these red flags will show up and it’s important to recognize that they are signs of an unhealthy and abusive relationship. If your partner shows unreasonable jealousy, makes you feel stupid, insults and criticizes you, destroys property in anger, or prevents you from going to school, work, or seeing your friends, than this is warning that you should get out of the relationship before it progresses into even worse abuse.
It’s also crucial to understand that abuse is a very easy pattern to fall into. Once you’ve been treated like dirt by somebody who’s supposed to love you it’s easy to accept that treatment again from somebody else. It can be hard to differentiate fact from fiction when you’re with a partner who has engrained into your mind that you’re worthless. You are not worthless. You are incredibly special and loved but it’s easy to be blinded of that by someone who wants to control you. This is why it’s so important to get out sooner rather than later – because the longer you stay, the longer you will be convinced that you don’t deserve to leave.
In order to get out of the cycle of abuse, whether it be the same abuser or just the same type of guy, you’ve got to hold on to your self worth. A healthy relationship REQUIRES respect, trust, and open communication. Respect yourself first by demanding these things in a relationship. If your partner violates these requirements – respect yourself by removing yourself from the relationship.
Getting out of an abusive relationship is the most dangerous part. For this reason, be prepared with a plan. The best way to get out of an abusive situation is to reach out to your family, friends, or if you are isolated from these people which many abused spouses are, you can reach out to a women’s group, a church, or even your doctor. If you let others know about your situation and your concerns, we can and will help you get to safety.
Nobody deserves to live in fear or hopelessness. If you or someone you know needs help getting out of an abusive situation, visit the National Domestic Hotline or call 1−800−799−7233.
