So your friend told you they aren’t binary. What does that mean? You want to respect and be supportive of them but you aren’t sure you understand—and now they’re requesting you use different pronouns. You’ve only ever known them as a she or a he, but now they’re operating somewhere else your heteronormative mind isn’t fully comprehending.
What does it mean to be nonbinary?
To be binary means that you adhere to traditional ideas about gender, there are girls and boys, pink and blue, his and hers. If you fall under the binary it just means that you identify as either a man or woman. In most modern countries and cultures (though there are exceptions) only two genders are acknowledged, male and female. There isn’t really a place for someone who doesn’t identify as either gender. Nonbinary identification means not identifying as either male or female. Nonbinary celebrities and everyday people can identify with different traits from male and female genders or they may not identify with any.
It’s likely that they may be asked to be called by a different pronoun and or name. Be respectful of these requests, but ask your friend to have patience if you slip up. Be mindful when you speak try not to group them into binary conceptions. But it is likely you’ll slip up occasionally—it’s difficult to change your mindset—and your friend should be understanding as long as you’re making an effort. Talk to them about ways that they can help remind you if you do make a mistake. Sometimes it can cause tension when people correct one another, but corrections are actually a really helpful way to make sure you aren’t repeatedly making the same mistake. Have any mutual friends help you by correcting you if you slip up and do the same for them.
Gender is fluid—so it’s likely your friend may not have found the identity they feel most comfortable with yet and are trying out new things. That doesn’t mean they’re indecisive. It simply means they’re figuring out who they are. Not everyone is like that though. Many people come out as nonbinary and stick with their first gender identity. If your friend is trying out new pronouns or names. Ask them to be communicative with you and again patient. Likewise be patient with them. Even if they are changing their preferred pronoun every week. Your goal as a good friend is to make this process as easy for them as possible and if they’re a good friend they’d show the same support for you in any big life event you were facing. Open, honest, and considerate communication will help you both keep your sanity.
Now that you understand that gender isn’t binary it couldn’t hurt if you asked people which pronouns they’d prefer you’d call them. Then you won’t stress so much about assuming their gender anyway. And you know it’s what your friend probably wishes more people did for them. Some people might be uncomfortable that you asked only because they’ve never heard of the practice before, or because to them it may seem like your questioning their gender identity (do they not seem masculine or feminine enough). Don’t be rude or aggressive about the discomfort but don’t let it make you uncomfortable—not everyone presents themselves the way they identify and making assumptions about gender generally does more harm than good.
Here’s a list of commonly used nonbinary gender neutral pronouns.
When pronouns are on the brain it’s easy to get a little mixed up, soon you might be referring to binary men as ‘she’s’ and binary woman as ‘him,’ you might even give up and at times just refer to everyone as a ‘they.’ Don’t beat yourself up—you’re just accidentally deconstructing gender. Treat the situation as you would if you were talking to a non-binary friend, apologize correct yourself and keep going. No fowl no harm.
Of course one of the core tenants to any good friendship is to listen but it’s especially beneficial to you to listen to your friend’s experiences of being non-binary. Doing so will help you better understand how you can help but it also diversifies your perspective. There’s a lot you can learn from people with different life experience. Listen to them about what it’s like to be non-binary in a world where non binary people aren’t largely recognized. Maybe it will inspire you to be a larger ally. At the very least when a topic like gendered bathrooms come up you’ll have a better understanding of the impact bathroom usage could have on a nonbinary person.
To learn more, take this nonbinary gender quiz and improve your knowledge!
