What is Consent? Here’s Everything You Need to Know

You’ve probably heard the tired adage about consent: “No means no.” But how many times have you also heard “When a woman says no, she really means yes”? What is consent, really?

The perception that consent hinges on not saying “No” must change. It assumes a dangerous default state in which a person feels entitled to carry out a sexual act without any confirmation from their partner about a reciprocal desire to participate. This definition also contributes to confusion about how consent functions when a person may be too incapacitated to say no, such as after the consumption of alcohol.

With women’s voices continually undermined by harmful platitudes such as “No really means yes,” saying “No” has become an unreliable way to set boundaries. Society needs to teach a new version of consent, shifting away from the idea of “No” to a new standard based on positive affirmation.

Consent becomes much less complicated when you seek an enthusiastic “Yes!” from your partner. Instead of proceeding until you are told to stop, find out right away whether your partner wants to engage in an activity. If the answer isn’t a “Yes,” don’t do it. No more blurred lines.

It’s also important to note that your enthusiastic “Yes” must be freely and consciously given. If you are threatened, intimidated, coerced or passed out, you have not given consent.

Another point worthy of emphasis is that you and your partner have the power to change your mind at any time. Consent isn’t given once and then fixed forever. If you say “Yes” to sex one night, that does not mean you have to say “Yes” the next time your partner asks.

Just because you said “Yes” to making out, doesn’t mean you have to continue if the action escalates. You can even change your mind mid-activity. This is when a “Stop” or “No” actually comes in handy; it signals to your partner that you have withdrawn your initial consent. At that point, it’s your partner’s responsibility to respect your consent at any given time.

Some critics have attempted to undermine this method for obtaining affirmative consent with hyperbolic anecdotes about sex contracts or saying this standard makes you a rapist if you kiss your wife without asking her first. However, affirmative consent is less about saying the word “Yes” than eliminating ambiguity.

Both you and your partner should be active, excited participants in all your sexual experiences together. Rather than killing the mood, affirmative consent ensures you are each actively thinking about each other’s pleasure and committed to creating a mutually enjoyable experience. I think we can all say “Yes!” to that.