While it’s natural to want the best for your children, studies show that over-parenting leads to negative outcomes for your kids, including poor coping skills and an exaggerated sense of entitlement. TIME Magazine also reports that mothers with “intensive parenting beliefs,” i.e. that a mother should devote all her time and energy exclusively to her children, suffer from mental health issues, such as depression and stress, at higher levels than parents with a more moderate approach.
To give your child room to grow (and protect your own sanity), try these three tips to avoid being a “Smother Mother.”
1. Be a mother, not Big Brother.
While technology makes it easier to keep tabs on your child in today’s hectic world, don’t undervalue the importance of privacy in their social and emotional development. If you find yourself consistently reading your daughter’s text messages or tracking the speed of your son’s car, talk with your kids directly to build trust and set expectations – not a policing system. You don’t have to be an all-knowing dictator to maintain your authority as a parent. In fact, you may find it easier to earn your child’s genuine respect when you demonstrate a healthy respect for their privacy.
2. Cut the safety net.
While it can be uncomfortable to watch your child struggle, allowing them to experience consequences for their actions will develop stronger coping skills to serve them later in life. If you swoop in to save the day every time your child gets in trouble at school, he or she will never experience the discomfort that prompts kids to avoid similar situations in the future.
Allow them to make small mistakes – such as forgetting a homework assignment – while they’re young and the stakes are lower. You don’t want their first time problem-solving experience without you to be when they reach college. At that point, you certainly shouldn’t be calling their professors to voice your grievances about their grades. Practice accountability with them starting as early as elementary school. You will raise a more responsible child and learn to worry less about the small things.
3. Let your kids decide.
Certain decisions, such as which college to attend, may require the cooperation of the whole family to coordinate financial burdens and assess other planning considerations. However, you don’t have to be the executive decision maker for every aspect of your child’s life. It can be easy to micromanage, especially with apps and parental control settings designed to limit kids’ use of certain devices. Instead of seizing control, give them the independence to make choices about how they spend their time.
While you may think the golf team is your child’s ticket to a college scholarship, another elective or after school activity may spark their interest (if only you would allow them to pursue it). Offer them time, space and support to develop a genuine passion, rather than just shuttling them back and forth from the SAT tutor to the driving range. Even screen time, which has gotten a bad rep, can nurture creativity and encourage interest in coding or business.
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