March 7, 2017
In any of your relationships, how many times have you felt obligated to change your plans to fit your partner’s? Or better yet, how many times have you been happy to compromise on somebody else’s behalf? Although sometimes it gets to a point where we convince ourselves that it’s “no big deal,” women are often taught and expected to be self-sacrificing. But one of the most important lessons you can learn about loving another person is that loving someone should not come at the expense of your own well-being.
Now, nobody is saying that it’s wrong to be kindhearted, compassionate or empathetic. These are some of the most beautiful traits humans possess. However, it’s also important to know when you no longer feel like an individual in your relationship because, even if it hurts, you’re constantly putting someone else before yourself.
So, for everyone currently in a relationship or even thinking about being in a relationship, here are four things you need to understand about yourself and your needs before moving forward:
Ladies, you have a right to how you feel. If you’re upset over something your partner did, then let them know. Communication is one of the most powerful tools in a relationship. What is important, however, is to always remember to be respectful when you speak because asking to be respected isn’t as effective if you’re shouting or being rude.
On the other hand, if you prefer keeping things to yourself when you’re upset, then try speaking to your partner when you’re in a calmer state of mind. This will also help you be less accusatory, which only leads to more arguments. Also, always remember that you are no less a person if you cry over something. If you’ve been taught that crying makes you weak, then get that out of your head right now! Sometimes a good cry is all we need.
It’s so important to spend some time away from your partner. As wonderful as it is to have someone join you on new adventures or during the mundane tasks of your day, don’t forget who you were before you were in a relationship.
If you used to spend a lot of time reading, then take an hour of your day to delve into books again. If you want to try something new, then don’t be afraid to do it even if it means your partner won’t be with you.
There is something so beautiful about solitude and having the time to grow on your own. In fact, individual growth can actually strengthen relationships.
As Huffington Post writes, “To put off self-care to be with your partner could build resentment in you both. You’ll start to see your partner as an obstacle to what you desperately want and aren’t getting.” Constantly being together because you feel obligated builds resentment, frustration and all sorts of negative feelings towards the other person.
People often need time to just be alone or with other people. Not only that, but relationships should be partnerships, and strong partnerships are comprised of unique individuals. If you both take some time to grow on your own, then you both continue to contribute different qualities to make the relationship stronger.
Don’t ever feel obligated to do something that makes you uncomfortable. If you don’t want to have sex, then you don’t have to. If you don’t have the time to make dinner, then you don’t have to. If you don’t want to quit your job, then you don’t have to.
One of the biggest misunderstandings about relationships is that one person is expected to do all the sacrificing. Continuously pushing to do things that go against your beliefs, goals and desires can be extremely detrimental to your mental state.
Not only can it decrease your self-esteem, but it could also cause you to resent your partner. Good relationships involve both partners understand that each individual should have the freedom to decide what they are and what they are not willing to do. This starts with communication and being able to say and hear the word “no.”
According to PsychCentral, saying “no” creates a boundary within your relationship, “and boundaries are essential for any healthy relationship.”
This can mean many things. It can mean you need to leave a conversation because it’s getting too overwhelming. It can also mean you need to leave to have some time to yourself or with your friends. Or it can even mean you need to end the relationship.
This is crucial to respecting yourself, because knowing when you need to leave teaches you to put yourself first when a relationship is getting unhealthy. However, having the maturity to know when you need to leave can only happen once you’ve taken the time to grow on your own.
Yes, leaving is often easier than done. So, in order to help solve this problem, don’t be afraid to ask for help and support from a trusted friend or family member.
Overall, these four things only lead to the most important advice: learn to fully love yourself before even extending that love towards another person. We have all heard that love is patient, kind and selfless.
Yes, these are all true. But don’t ever forget that you need to act that way towards yourself, too. As the great Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual; you have an obligation to be one.”
