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Culture July 23, 2019
Learn some tips and tricks for some basic #selfcare
In an era where social media gives us an unprecedented view into the lives of the rich and Instafamous and, for some reason, wellness equals clout, it’s not uncommon for influencers and celebrities to post about their lifestyle tricks and habits. Yesterday, singer-songwriter (and paramour to Elon Musk) Grimes took that to the next level.
With extreme benevolence and humility, she took to Instagram to grace her 927k loyal followers with an inside look at her 100% real and not at all satirical “training regimen.”
I know what you’re thinking – a totally free guide to reaching peak eclectic wellness? Seems too good to be true! But, ever a woman of the people, Grimes spills all the tea on how you, a normal person, can work towards a healthy lifestyle. To try this routine out, all it takes is an open mind, a positive attitude, and a net worth of $3 million. Let’s take a look at some of the elements of Grimes’ completely attainable lifestyle.
As anyone who has ever taken any high school biology class ever can tell you, the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. But if you thought your mitochondrion were doing fine just by, you know, existing, Grimes has some news for you: your mitochondria suck!
Want to get your cells to be #mitochondriagoals like Grimes? All you have to do is take at least three different daily supplements like NAD+, Acetyl L-, active LMFAO, HBO GO, Dafuq Izdis, and, most importantly, Lil Nas X. These essential mitochondria maximizers might not be completely approved by the FDA and may cost you upward of $200. But hey, you’ll be able to sleep soundly knowing your ATP levels are better than everyone else’s.
Thinking of validating the science of this before you commit? Don’t. Seriously, please don’t. Besides, it’s already GOOP-approved, so what more validity do you really need?
You may have heard of sensory deprivation tanks before. The deal is that you float in a dark, enclosed coffin-like tank of saltwater that puts you in a somewhat-unconscious state. After two hours, you’re apparently rejuvenated with heightened senses and extreme relaxation. Basically, it’s exactly how I imagine being abducted by aliens would go down.
Grimes says she spends 2-4 hours in her deprivation tank, which enables her to “‘astro-glide’ to other dimensions- past, present, and future.” Did you hear that? Interdimensional time travel is now achievable!
Now, I’m not exactly sure what this “astro-glide” technique is. Is it a mediation form? Is it a high level move in the Cha Cha Slide? It seems most likely, according to my research, that it is somehow related to the brand Astroglide, one of the reigning water-based lubes. In this case, you can expect that the experience involves some transformative silky smooth satisfaction.
Try sensory deprivation yourself at your local floatation center. Or if you’re really hard core, take the plunge and shell out $42,500 for your very own installation flotation chamber. And if anyone tries to scold you for wasting the equivalent of a year’s tuition at a private university, just astro-glide away from their uptight judgement.
Ever feel like you need to let off some steam? Forget the gym, just scream it out of your system instead. Grimes says that she does a screaming session for 20-25 minutes a day. Classic primal scream therapy suggests you push out pent up energy with a loud grunt, but anything from a slight squeal to a blood-curdling shriek should work.
If you’re finding it difficult to channel your inner scream queen, fear not! Just turn on Fox News, and I guarantee you won’t be able to stop screaming at the TV. Because all you need is your voice, you can do this revolutionary kind of therapy anywhere: in the shower, the conference room, your Uber pool, dinner with your conservative in-laws.
Don’t worry if you startle or scare those around you – it might even start a chain reaction and let them experience the joys of scream therapy. After you’ve gotten it all out, don’t forget to take care of your vocal chords like Grimes with some honey tea!
Listen up all you SAD people out there who can’t stand being uncomfy in a cold, bleak place like Los Angeles whenever it gets below 67 degrees. You can skip the light therapy box, antidepressants, or even a move to someplace sunny. Go straight to the source of the problem: your pesky eye film.
This is probably the most basic and obvious component of Grimes’ wellness routine. In order to remedy her seasonal depression, Grimes underwent eye surgery replacing her eyeball film with an “orange ultra-flex polymer” that she DIYed.
For those questioning if this is a) real and b) safe, I’d just like to point out that Grimes’ post is #createdwithadidas and, therefore, fully verified by its connection to a major corporation. Pay no attention to the fact that she is actually collaborating with Nike x Stella McCartney. A recognizable brand was mentioned and that’s really all you need.
Oh, and the last part of her routine is that she goes to bed with a humidifier. This is the one thing I find a little unbelievable. Just think about the intense effort it must take to fill up the humidifier each night, remember to turn it on, and find some way to beat the odds and sleep through the noise. This sounds completely insane. Not quite sure if Grimes is joking about the humidifier or not, but since the rest is completely valid, I guess we can take her word.
Overall, self care is exhausting and complicated. But Grimes has mastered the art of wellness. You’ll definitely see a lifestyle change if you take her completely legitimate advice! I can’t exactly promise it will be for the better. Good luck!
