Justin Bieber asked, “Is it too late now to say sorry?” Queen Bey told husband Jay-Z, “Sorry, I ain’t sorry” and Elton John said, “Sorry seems to be the hardest word.”
As women when do we use the word “sorry”? Research says that women tend to apologize many times more than the average man. It’s not that men think they’ll appear weak by apologizing, but that they believe their actions do not require reparation. Essentially, men believe they’re at fault a lot less than women.
Interestingly, men apologize just as often as women when they feel they have actually done something wrong. In one study, women and men were each given a scenario. They were responsible for waking up a friend for an interview – but then forgot in time and he or she had a terrible interview. On average, women felt this was a more severe offense than men.
But this is a pretty clear-cut case. You hinder a friend who was depending on you – there isn’t any ambiguity in this situation. These are they types of cases in which both men and women genuinely felt that they did something wrong. But what about the scenarios in which women apologize for innocent “wrongs”?
For example: You’ve had a terrible day. You feel lousy and call your supportive friend to vent. If you’re a woman, after you’ve let out steam, you might say, “I’m so sorry for bothering you with all this.” Women have a tendency to apologize for emotional outbursts – we exchange gratitude for contrition.
But there is absolutely nothing wrong with showing emotions and expecting a friend to understand. So instead of apologizing, say something like “Thank you for being there for me. I really appreciate that.” There is a difference between appreciating and feeling guilty about your friendship.
Sloan Croasly from The New York Times gave another example of women over-apologizing. At a restaurant, her salad order was gritty and sandy. When she asked for a replacement, she realized that she was the one apologizing to the waiter. She then requested a new plate, which arrived with an unwanted topping of bacon. And yet again, she apologized and asked for another dish. In this situation, nothing was her own fault, but she was the one saying “I’m sorry.”
When you substitute the word “sorry” for anything other than an actual apology, your words become less meaningful. It’s important to say exactly what you think in this situation. Although women are taught to apologize far more often than men, we need to remember that constant apologies – though veiled under the curtain of courtesy – can harm far more than benefit women in the long-run.
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