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Entertainment May 30, 2017
Rachel is not about to be played.
It may have been Memorial Day, but Bachelor Nation never takes off. Time for week two, and everyone’s first official dates.
It kicks off with Rachel reflecting on her first night at the mansion, and though I’m a fan of hers, I was definitely distracted by her adorable dog who has a little cast on one of its little, pupper paws. It hopped around excitedly and I don’t really remember anything that she said.
Then the guys all gushed a bunch about how hot Rachel is and how when she smiles you “feel like she’s smiling right at you.” Ugh. “This is really gross,” my roommate – not a member of Bachelor Nation – said. And, boy, was she right.
Time for the date cards, which I think are much more exciting on “Bachelor in Paradise.” The first date goes to “I’m ready to go Black and never go back” Dean, Jack, Jonathan, “Lucas needs to go home” whiner Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Brett and Lucas.
They have a barbecue, during which Rachel throws around a football in a very tiny dress, and once again, Blake complains about Lucas. Lucas really is the new Chad, except he’s not really a villain at all. He’s a doofus. Blake is totally Evan though. Spot on. Like, hm, you only have five minutes with this awesome woman before all these other guys get to flirt with her, you should totally spend that time complaining about another guy. Smooth.
Okay, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher show up for the other part of the date. What? How has it come to this? Mila was just in that “Bad Moms” movie. I’m pretty sure that made a lot of money…
Anyway, they introduce this “Husband Material” obstacle course kind of challenge involving changing a dirty diaper, vacuuming a carpet, unclogging a drain, etc. I have to say, I’m kind of surprised by the number of grown men who have never changed a diaper… or even held a baby. It’s hard to not read into the patriarchal nonsense of that.
Before the challenge even starts Ashton bets that Rachel’s future husband isn’t in the first dating group. Ouch. On the bright side, he’s getting laid tonight, according to Mila.
Barely functioning human Lucas drowns his fake baby while trying to unclog the drain… and then wins the best husband award, showing how utterly ridiculous this challenge is. And you better believe Blake throws a damn fit about it. He yells out loud that Lucas cheated, saying in his personal interviews that Lucas isn’t here for the right reasons.
Um, okay, Blake. You talked about your “amazing” dick for your entire intro video, and you’re an aspiring drummer in your 30s, could you just kindly fuck off?
Wow. They still have drinks after this. This is a long date. And once again, Blake is freaking out about Lucas. He tries to call him out to the other guys while Lucas is chatting with Rachel, and guess what? They don’t give a shit.
Meanwhile, Lucas reads Rachel a poem that I have already blocked out of my mind because when guys read girls poems on these shows the second-hand embarrassment physically pains me.
After her one-on-one with Lucas, Rachel says, “I’m looking forward to talking to the rest of the guys and hoping the night gets better,” … AKA, I’m glad I got my weird chat with Lucas out of the way. It’s like how I eat the purple Skittles first, because they’re the worst.
These dates are particularly difficult to watch. They’re all too scared to make a move. No one is talking about anything interesting… and yet most of the guys are gushing about how amazing everything is and how they “didn’t expect this.” What? An awkward first date? Because I’m pretty sure we all expected that.
Luckily, our girl Rachel really is keeping it 100, and full on tells the cameras, “I’m not getting the romantic aspect that I need and I want.” She calls these dates’ conversations “mundane.” Rough.
They probably weren’t able to focus on romance since Blake can’t shut up about Lucas. He’s freaking out that all Lucas is there to do is promote “whaboom.” HOW? No one even knows what that is. He whines that he’s livid Lucas has even made it this far. It’s literally the FIRST DATE. Calm down, bro.
Dean finally livens up the night for Rachel, as they laugh about his “bold” line. Apparently the only thing Rachel was upset about was the fact that he stole her line. She wanted to ask guys if they were ready to go Black and never go back. He worries that he “might’ve blown it” after not going for a kiss – uh, duh – but everyone else was so bad Rachel gives him the rose anyway.
I guess securing the rose gave him the courage he needed to go in for that kiss, because afterwards he walked Rachel to her limo and after a bit of awkward stumbling about asking for a one-on-one date, he finally went in for it. “There was a lot of sincerity behind that kiss, and boy, did I like it,” Rachel swooned.
Back at the house the next day Demario and Josiah are talking about Rachel, with the ever-confident Demario going on and on about her like they already had plans to be wed.
Meanwhile, Rachel gives Peter the first solo date. She tells him she wants to bring along a close guy friend… but it turns out to be her dog Copper. I knew it was going to be the dog! And I’m so happy. This episode has been so boring.
After flying to Palm Springs Rachel, Peter and Copper follow blue pawprints on the ground like “Blues Clues” to a backyard and OMG IT’S A DOG POOL PARTY. It’s called bark fest and if heaven is real I think I’ve just seen mine. “The amount of gasps that just came out of your mouth,” my roommate teased. But I couldn’t help it! There were dogs on floats and a tiny dog in a tiny flower crown. Lord help me.
Bachelorette not what I signed up for — it may have been a tough day but puppies in flower crowns were a nice relief in the middle. Screenshot via ABC
And Rachel seems to be as crazy for Peter and his “beautiful soul” as I am for these dogs. She giddily says, “Peter is blowing my mind.”
All the while Demario is getting so much braggy airtime and I don’t get it. And the next date card is revealed. Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Eric, Keith, Josiah and oh, look at that, Demario will be on the second group date.
As they celebrate, Peter and Rachel bond over the gaps in their front teeth. “My dentist said that it adds character.” Turns out they also both went to a therapist over how they behave in relationships. Judging by the Tiger Beat test, this is enough similarities to show that Peter and Rachel are made for each other. I mean, I was in love with Jonathan Taylor Thomas for years and that was only because we both liked to read, so…
Rachel, of course, gives Peter the rose, and after he accepts – and they share a kiss – she takes him outside for a surprise, which is an elaborate fireworks display. In any other circumstance I feel like this would be a rather alarming end to a first date, but alas, this is “The Bachelorette.” Peter seems unfazed, and Rachel is a “smitten kitten.”
Man, it’s like, Demario TV this episode. He just keeps running his mouth. “We have chemistry… she needs a confident man, and I’m extremely confident… straight up a winner, a born winner,” he says, ahead of the basketball game date, which for some reason involves Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. How are they getting these people?
And Josiah says, “Winning Rachel is the prize. I will not take my eyes off the prize.” Okay, gross. She’s a human person, not a trophy. Misogyny aside, now I’m just watching a basketball game. I don’t like sports. I did not sign up for this, ABC.
Oh, hey. Look at that. More Demario. Are there any other guys on this date? “D is for Demario, dunking and defense.” This guy is like a shmucky charm machine, and unfortunately Rachel seems to be falling for it. You know, “one of her weaknesses is an athlete.” Sigh.
Ah, now I get all of the Demario promo. Turns out, he’s just as much of a tool as he appears. The basketball game was open to the public, and one woman who showed up happened to be his girlfriend. She revealed that they never even broke up. “Literally just hadn’t heard from him in three days, turned my TV on and he was on it [for the ‘After the Rose’ special].” WOW. That’s taking ghosting to a new level.
Of course, a guy like Demario isn’t just going to admit his faults. When Rachel first pulls him outside, even though he clearly seems wrecked by Lexie being there, he immediately starts to deny. “Who’s this?” he asks. Then his story changes, “I met her many times ago.” Uh, what does that even mean? Then he completely shuts down, asking to get away from Lexie AND the cameras, “This is too personal life stuff.”
Duh. It’s a reality TV show. Rachel is dating men on TV. Lexie insists they had been dating for seven months and he still had the keys to her apartment. As she continued talking, Demario’s story continued to change. Now he’s saying that they were on-off dating, and he broke it off. Oh wait, he had “some communication” but didn’t actually cut it off completely. He was trying to “wean it off.”
This man is caught in a lie and he is making no damn sense. Look, I bear no ill will to Rachel, and I’m not happy this is happening to her, but I will say THANK GOD this is happening to someone who can handle her shit.
Because home gurl shut it down. “I have no idea why you’re here… so let me tell you something. I’m not here to be played. I’m not here to be made a joke of, which is what I feel like you’re doing right now with me, so I’m really gonna need you to get the fuck out… like I can’t even look at you right now.” Daaamn.
God, that was great to watch. I mean, Rachel feels horrible, and I get it. “This is not fucking what I signed up for,” she says. And girl, I feel that. Guys suck. But at least she didn’t listen to his BS non-apology. She cries when she tells the other guys in the locker room, and their minds are completely blown by the news that Demario was sent home.
They get all protective on the next part of the date, with Josiah’s knight in shining armor vibes snagging him a kiss. Actually, a bunch of the guys got kisses. This group was much more romantic than the first. Although, I could’ve done without hearing Alex’s awkward song. Josiah got the second group date rose, and then it was back to the mansion for another rose ceremony.
Trouble-maker Bryan gushed about how much he missed Rachel, since he didn’t get a date this week, though he did treat Rachel to a massage. And is that Adam with a doll house? What is this guy’s deal with dolls? Red flag, Rachel, red flag.
Ugh. And because Demario apparently did not get enough screen time this episode he’s back at the mansion, in Chad style, asking to speak with Rachel. And since two hours is apparently not enough time for one episode of “The Bachelorette,” we don’t even get a rose ceremony this week. It’s only week two and we’re already getting “To Be Continued.”
It’s going to be a long season, you guys.
