5 Ways to Tell ‘the Handmaid’s Tale’ Is Giving You Way Too Much Anxiety

For those of you who have not seen Hulu’s rendition of The Handmaid’s Tale I urge you to stop reading this and watch it immediately (especially if you’re a man, because women are like #PreachingToTheChoirYo).

For the rest of you, those who have seen it. Welcome. I won’t recap the dystopian world created by Margaret Atwood’s book and so beautifully brought to life by Hulu and the talented Elisabeth Moss as Offred. You’ve seen it, you know.

Which means you also know there are a lot of similarities between Gilead — where women are treated like cattle, deemed only good for bearing children — and our own Trumpian nightmare.  Plenty of think pieces have addressed this issue, and to be frank it’s scary as fuck.

So much so that I find myself ridden with anxiety after watching every episode and saying things to my husband like “We need to learn how to use weapons ASAP”,  while simultaneously wiping popcorn off my hands.

I don’t think I am alone. The parallels, especially when The Handmaid’s Tale flashes back to life before the nutjobs took over, a life filled with dating apps, women’s magazines, and eating out with friends, are frightening. It’s clear that the world went from 0 to total shit in a short enough amount of time that even the totally-normal-and-not-stupid-but-kind-of-unprepared-people could not escape.

So here are 5 ways to tell this show is giving you way too much anxiety. (***SPOILERS AHEAD***)

You seriously want to move your money out of the bank — and hide it in your house. 

During one flashback, in the time before the madness, all the women lose access to their bank accounts. The only people who can access the money are male relatives … which ugh.

This freaked me out on so many levels. All of my money is digital, I can’t remember the last time I held real cash. Even the Asian noodle bowl restaurant near my house has signs that say “We’re cashless now”. And while my bank accounts are FDIC insured, that’s only as good as the government who insures it. Following the episode I actually went to my husband and said “Should we withdraw a couple thousand dollars and like stick it in a bag in the closet? He was half asleep and thought I was insane.  I know this because he said “You’re insane”.  But am I?

You want to learn how to use a weapon while running away from bad men.

I already take Krav Maga and jiu-jitsu, but that’s not super helpful if a war breaks out and a bunch of men are trying to kidnap me for my uterus. No, I am going to need a weapon. And while I am all for gun restrictions (I really hate that obtaining firearms in the US is hella easy), I am also all for staying alive. After watching Offred get taken from her husband and child while trying to cross the border all I could think was “Girl should have had a gun.”

The future me. Duh.

After the episode I went to my husband and said “Let’s go to the shooting range this weekend, we need to learn how to handle a weapon.” He rolled his eyes, “Really, why?” he asked. “Well … when we have to escape this country because Trump declared war with North Korea over Twitter or The_Donald subreddit decides the Time Of Women is over we need to defend ourselves.”

I believe the words “You’re insane” once again were on his lips.

You’re actively thinking of escape plans and warning your family. 

An actual call I had with my mother after watching an episode: “Mom if shit hits the fan Max [my husband] and I are moving to Canada. So if we disappear without a word in the middle of the night that’s where we are.”

Her response: “Good idea. I’ll know to come look for you up there. I’ll find you.” My mom is equally as crazy as I am.

*Also, are we moving to Canada? Or I am just throwing you all off my trail …* 

You’re scoping out Buffy-grade survival kits. 

After every episode of The Handmaid’s Tale I am tempted to buy a black duffel bag and stuff it with cash, passports, maps, medicine, weapons, water purifiers and maybe even a couple of stakes for good measure. I know for a fact that when Trump’s psychos take over I will not be on the “You’re a commander’s wife now, here’s your blue dress” group. No. I will be on the “get that girl and torture her” group. So I really can’t take any chances. How long can I live off the land? I wonder out loud to my annoyed husband. Not-very-long says the look on his face.

You’re looking for warning signs that Trump will kill us all.

The problem with authoritarian takeovers is the warning signs are always crystal clear … in retrospect.

For example, many Jewish people did flee Germany in the 1930’s and their friends probably called them paranoid. It’s hard to make the decision to pack up your life and start over in a foreign country when you’re not sure if everything is as bad as you think it is.  Especially if the “bad” is as unfathomable as it was in the Holocaust.

This was the problem in The Handmaid’s Tale as well.

First they froze the women’s bank accounts. Then, they barred women from working. And then they turned them into robe-wearing baby machines. Blessed be. (And I know it sounds crazy — and you’re like “That never happens” in real life — but recall, during the mid-century in Kabul, Afghani women went to the cinema, wore mini-skirts, and attended university. All of that progress changed in the 70’s to the 90’s with wars, coups and the take-over by the Taliban. So yeah.)

My point is, it’s a fucking terrible dilemma. If you wait too long to escape you end up dead, or in the colonies or working as a sex slave. But if you flee too early and nothing bad ever happens, then you’re just a crazy person.

So cheers to #BeingCrazy.