After weeks of awful sweaters, forced conversations, and platinum vagines, we have finally made it to the end of this season of “The Bachelor.”
In the finale, Vanessa came out the victor, despite my sorority sisters and I screaming at the TV for her to say no to the proposal. Meanwhile Raven was left heartbroken, the next season of “The Bachelorette” sort of started, Santa made an appearance and at one point Nick led a conga line of children through a Finland town for no reason. Just so much happened, lets dive right in!
With just two ladies left, it was time for Nick to introduce his girlfriends to his parents. Raven was first up. Instead of talking to Nick’s folks or maybe his older siblings, she ended up having an emotional conversation with Viall’s teenage sister. The irony of a teenager being the one to talk to a grown adult about heartbreak and love was just too much for my friends watching with me to handle. One said, “Wait. Shouldn’t she be talking to an adult about this? How does this girl know anything?”
Vanessa was next up to meet the family and in typical fashion ended up making everyone want to be her yet again. “How is this girl so perfect!?” a friend of mine shouted at the TV, “and how is this weasel even in her league?” When Vanessa was talking to Nick’s father and confessed that she never thought she would meet someone like Nick, the whole room erupted. “Marry her you idiot,” one girl screamed at Nick.
The following day, Nick and Vanessa went on their final date in Finland. As they rode through the snow, Vanessa tells the cameras, “This is my ideal vacation.” “HA that’s a lie,” one pal of mine snickered. “No girl in a million years would pick snow over a beach, I’m just saying…”
Then, out of nowhere, a bearded man was spotted frolicking through the woods. He flashed on the screen and my friends and I were beyond confused. “Was that Santa? Did they really just flash Santa on the screen and not even say anything?” Sure enough, shortly afterwards there is Santa Claus, granting Nick and Vanessa’s wishes and giving them a wooden plaque. There were symbols on the gift that represented love and fertility. “Guys honestly what in the actual f*** is happening? Fertility!? Santa is jumping the gun a little don’t ya think?!” one friend remarked.
Next the couple sat down to have another one of their infamous talks where Vanessa brings up actual real world questions and Nick just doesn’t answer them. “This guy is the definition of a f*** boy” one of the girls said rolling her eyes. “He talks like a therapist: ‘I get that’, ‘I understand where you are coming from’ but yet he never actually answers her questions.” Vanessa must have been sick of his answers too because she ended up sobbing. However her tears and scrunched up crying face didn’t stop Nick from trying to make out with her. “Jesus dude she is crying, you don’t need to try to shove your tongue down her throat. LEARN HOW TO READ A SITUATION!”
Then it was Raven’s turn to be disappointed yet again by “The Bachelor.” The pair went ice skating which led to their go to shot of them making out on the ground. As the classic “Kiss Me” song played. my friends decided that it was time to place our bets for the winner. All eight girls that I watched with agreed that Vanessa was going to walk away with the ring. One of them said it best, “Raven is the honeymoon stage. Vanessa is the real thing.”
Soon it was time to pick the ring. Cue Neil Lane! As the jeweler polished the rings and handed them to Viall, he actually said, “Everyone is rooting for you.” “WHAT!?” The room went crazy. “I can’t think of one person that is rooting for this guy,” said one friend. Another hollered, “WTF Neil Lane!? You, of all people should know that this guy shouldn’t be getting engaged!” It was pure pandemonium. Happily there was then a commercial break because these girls needed to refill their glasses.
Finally, it was time for what we have all been waiting for. Both women looked stunning and ready to see Nick down on one knee before them. The room was silent as the first car pulled up to the lodge. The door opened, and out came… Raven. The room sighed. “I mean we all knew it.” My friend whispered as Raven was escorted in to see Viall.
As she stood in front of the man boy and expressed how she felt, my friends and I were starting to get mad. “Why is he letting her do this!? She’s just complimenting him a bunch and then he is going to dump her!? God I hate this guy!” while another friend said, “I bet she is going to sob.”
As she finished her speech, Nick looked at her and her whole facial expression changed. Three girls said at once, “She knows.” And immediately the mood changed. Raven stood there stone faced as Nick tried to remember the lines ABC had given him. “She is handling this really well.” one friend said into her wine glass.
Nick finished babbling and walked Raven out to the car. “Oh my god, he didn’t even get her coat! This guy is ice cold!” The room was furious, “Please imagine getting dumped then walking out in the snow with no jacket.” One friend was so irate that she stood on the couch screaming, “Get her a coat you asshole!” Needless to say, the room was not pleased with how Viall handled the breakup.
We had to get ourselves together quickly because Vanessa was on her way and we did not want to miss it. “I wonder how good the speech is that ABC wrote for him,” the irate friend muttered as she slumped back into the couch. “He’s a robot so I am sure it is better than whatever his boring ass could’ve come up with,” another friend slurred back to her.
As Nick began to recite his lines, a chant began in the room of “SAY NO!” By the time he was on one knee, every girl in the room was on their feet screaming at the screen. Unfortunately, their wishes were not heard as Vanessa ugly cried with the ring on her finger. We all made our way back to our seats as the couple gushed about their love for each other. The room fell silent until one of my friends whispered, “I just don’t think this will last.”
Unfortunately, we still had another hour of the show to go as things switched to the studio for “After The Final Rose.” Chris Harrison introduced Nick and the newly engaged man sat down, prepared to see his ex. Raven came out looking absolutely breathtaking and my girls and I were so pumped. “She looks incredible, good for her!” While another commented, “Yeah shove it in his face.” Their conversation was forced and honestly hard to watch.
After a clearly uncomfortable conversation, it was time for Vanessa to come talk with Chris Harrison. As the host grilled her about their new relationship, us girls couldn’t help but get a pissed off vibe from Vanessa. “Does anyone else feel like she is furious that she is there?” one friend asked. “No dude she really does not look happy…”
Her expressions didn’t really change once her fiancé met her on the couch. Harrison asked them about their relationship now and from their cryptic answers, it just seemed like they were in a fight now. Vanessa made it very clear that they were not planning on getting married anytime soon. “They look miserable,” my friend said finishing the last drips at the bottom of her glass.
But wait, the show isn’t over yet. Throughout the whole episode, Harrison had been teasing that something completely groundbreaking and new was going to happen at “After The Final Rose,”but with only 20 minutes left in the show, my friends and I were starting to get suspicious. Rachel was brought out and Harrison began to chat with her about a surprise they had cooked up. It turns out that Rachel was going to be meeting some of her new men, RIGHT NOW!
“Oh my god can we not get a second to breathe!?” my friend hollered. “There is truly just no need for this, I am leaving” another girl said as she got up off the couch. To my surprise, before Rachel had even met her first guy, I looked around and discovered that I was alone. I can only hope that the decisions ABC made during this season didn’t completely ruin the franchise, but it is not looking good.
They have some time to figure things out, but I am very curious to see what happens when the show launches this May. Until then, I am going to enjoy the two months I have without another rose ceremony and pray that Rachel does as well on “The Bachelerotte” as I think she can.
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