Recent Posts
Entertainment June 27, 2017
I must not tell lies.
It’s been 20 years since “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” was published and it has effectively become one of the most popular franchises of all time. It’s iconic, magical and it defined a generation of young readers.
So in honor of the platinum anniversary of the first novel in J.K. Rowling’s series, ENTITY would like to highlight the most golden moments of “Harry Potter” by providing the definitive ranking of the seven sassiest “Harry Potter” characters.
It’s no wonder “A Very Potter Musical” cast a dramatic, flamboyant, over-the-top sass-master to satirize Draco Malfoy: His real character was the human embodiment of an eyeroll. In my personal favorite Draco line, Tom Felton actually improvised his ruthless remark:
Draco: “Why are you wearing glasses?”
Harry (as Goyle): “Oh, um, reading.”
Draco: “Reading? I didn’t know you could read.”
Hermione Granger is best known for being the brightest witch of her age, but oftentimes that is only equated with her studious tenacity. But this girl wasn’t the symbol of “Gryffindor who chose bravery but definitely could have been a Ravenclaw” for nothing. She is damn clever, quick-witted and outspoken and we praise her for shameless quotes like this:
“At least no one on the Gryffindor team had to buy their way in! They got in on pure talent!”
Though we don’t get as much from the Marauders as we’d like, it’s fair to say Sirius gave perfect insight on what the gang was like with every interaction: Sincere, unyielding loyalty paired with excruciatingly wicked burns. His first introduction in “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” flashed readers right back into a savage Hogwarts generation:
Snape: “I told Dumbledore you were helping an old friend enter the castle and now here’s the proof.”
Sirius: “Brilliant, Snape – once again you’ve put your keen and penetrating mind to the task and as usual come to the wrong conclusion. Now if you’ll excuse us, Remus and I have some unfinished business to attend to.”
Snape: “Give me a reason. I beg you.”
Lupin: “Severus, don’t be a fool…”
Sirius: “He can’t help it. It’s habit by now.”
Lupin: “Sirius, be quiet!”
Sirius: “Be quiet yourself, Remus!”
Snape: “Listen to you two, quarreling like an old married couple.”
Sirius: “Why don’t you run along and play with your chemistry set?”
Molly Weasley has a big heart and a low tolerance for your bloody rubbish. She speaks her mind and protects what’s important, and not without adding a little gumption to her comebacks. Everyone loves when she obliterated Bellatrix Lestrange, but no one should forget this ouch-moment with the honest truths we all noticed since the first book:
“‘Harry’s not your son,’ said Sirius quietly.
‘He’s as good as,’ said Mrs. Weasley fiercely. ‘Who else has he got?’
‘He’s got me!’
‘Yes,’ said Mrs. Weasley, her lip curling. ‘The thing is, it’s been rather difficult for you to look after him while you’ve been locked up in Azkaban, hasn’t it?'”
Yes, I am aware that they are separate characters and deserve separate slots on the list. But honestly, they were only at their full sass potential when they were with one another. Otherwise, we wouldn’t get amazing scenes like:
“‘We won’t be seeing you,’ Fred told Professor Umbridge, swinging his leg over his broomstick.
‘Yeah, don’t bother to keep in touch,’ said George, mounting his own.
Fred looked around at the assembled students, and at the silent, watchful crowd. ‘If anyone fancies buying a Portable Swamp, as demonstrated upstairs, come to number ninety-three, Diagon Alley — Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes,’ he said in a loud voice, ‘Our new premises!’
‘Special discounts to Hogwarts students who swear they’re going to use our products to get rid of this old bat,’ added George, pointing at Professor Umbridge.
‘STOP THEM!’ shrieked Umbridge, but it was too late. As the Inquisitorial Squad closed in, Fred and George kicked off from the floor, shooting fifteen feet into the air, the iron peg swinging dangerously below. Fred looked across the hall at the poltergeist bobbing on his level above the crowd.
‘Give her hell from us, Peeves.’ And Peeves, who Harry had never seen take an order from a student before, swept his belled hat from his head and sprang to a salute as Fred and George wheeled about to tumultuous applause from the students below and sped out of the open front doors into the glorious sunset.”
Professor McGonagall is an inspiration to us all in every aspect of life. She is brilliant, driven and, boy, does she know how to lay down and get away with the best truth-bomb insults in the whole wizarding world. In “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix,” she said this amazing quote, worthy of nothing less than a mic drop:
“‘I should have made my meaning plainer,’ said Professor McGonagall, turning at last to look at Umbridge directly in the eyes. ‘He has achieved high marks in every Defence Against the Darks Arts test set by a competent teacher.'”
Ah yes, the Chosen One himself: Roonil Wazlib, or at least, that’s what he claimed his nickname to be to Professor Snape in a shining moment of awkward, quick thinking. Book Harry was much sassier than movie Harry, despite sweet Dan Radcliffe’s commendable efforts.
One of best lines from Harry, unfortunately, didn’t make it to the films, but it solidified Harry as the sass king of Hogwarts while also telling Malfoy what we were all thinking:
“‘Manners, Potter, or I’ll have to give you a detention,’ drawled Malfoy, whose sleek blond hair and pointed chin were just like his father’s. ‘You see, I, unlike you, have been made a prefect, which means that I, unlike you, have the power to hand out punishments.’
‘Yeah,’ said Harry. ‘But you, unlike me, are a git, so get out and leave us alone.'”
Muahahahahaha… pic.twitter.com/tjtCcSuYdt
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) May 27, 2017
It just wouldn’t be “Harry Potter” if there wasn’t a surprise eighth, right?
Well, our literary queen, the actual witty brain who wrote all of these clever quotes and crafted these dynamic characters is the true Hogwarts sass champion.
Everything she created, from every chapter in the series to every post on her Twitter, is thought-filled and thought-provoking genius.
Thanks for 20 years of magic; may it live in our youthful hearts and on our sharp tongues for many more decades to come.
