A platinum vagine, a rejected Corinne and a groundbreaking Bachelorette announcement. Needless to say week seven of “The Bachelor” was nothing short of entertaining. Luckily, I sat down with my sorority sisters to watch the drama unfold.
After last week’s episode when Nick sent a whopping three girls home, the remaining ladies went into full blown panic mode. Apparently they were worried the guy who has been on four seasons of this show was going to walk away from the spotlight. “Oh my God why is everyone crying!? Someone explain to me why they are upset he’s sending all these girls home,” one of my friends asked.
To which I responded ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
As for Nick, he started out the show doing his best impression of a 13-year-old dealing with a bad hair day which prompted my friends and I to discuss what exactly this man is doing with his life. “Like imagine going to a job interview and them saying, what have you done for the last four years? And you respond, ‘Oh you know, just was on reality TV the whole time, and it didn’t even work.’”
Clearly Nick was questioning his life choices as well, or at least that’s what the ABC-gods wanted us to believe. So they brought in resident therapist Chris Harrison to talk it out and magically Nick’s attitude about the whole show flipped around.
Thank God for Chris Harrison, I was worried I was going to see the rest of Nick’s short short collection!
Finally Nick dried his pretend tears and announced to the girls they were heading to Bimini. A collective, “Where!?” filled the room as my friends quickly tried to figure out if he said Bambi or had some sort of stroke.
Apparently all the contestants knew their geography though because they were all ecstatic to hear the news. (I’ll save you the Google, it’s in the Bahamas).
The girls arrived on the island and the first date card quickly followed. Corinne really wanted the the one-on-one, since she hasn’t had one yet, but Vanessa snagged it out from underneath her. “Honestly I think Corinne is lucky, I can’t imagine being alone with this guy and not just feeling physically ill,” said one of my sorority sisters, who apparently hates the current Bachelor.
Vanessa and Nick spent some time on the boat discussing their relationship and where his head is at, because what else are the going to talk about?
Later that night Nick and Vanessa sat down for the romantic part of the date and again discussed their future together because that’s all they can do apparently. This time Vanessa got brave and explained she is falling in love with Nick. Which was great until Nick opened his mouth to form a response.
He told Vanessa he had fallen in love on the show before — and he wasn’t ashamed of it — but continued on to say he is looking for “the type of love I haven’t had before.”
Wait what?” my friend yelled at the TV. “He is looking for a love he hasn’t had before so he goes on the same dating show FOUR TIMES!? Someone explain this logic to me please!!”
My friends and I tried to piece together the rest of his response, but it was gibberish. He went on to say there is a “greater love than what I have had before.” Which like, WTF does that mean?
“I know he can’t say it back to her, but like that was so confusing,” one of my sisters said.
“This is why guys suck. This is why I will be single forever. I could watch this speech 10 times and still have no idea what the hell the point of it was. Does he like her? Does he not believe in love? Like truly what was that,” another one chimed in.
The one thing we could all agree on after that uncomfortable scene was that all boys suck and have no idea how to talk about feelings.
The next day, Nick went out on another boat, this time with Corinne, Raven and Kristina. I know I say this often, but man was this group date uncomfortable. “Do they really need to undress in slow motion right in front of him?” my friend asked.
Unfortunately we weren’t the only ones feeling uncomfortable. As the girls put lotion on each other and Nick, my friend got up and left the room in complete silence and came back with a box of wine. “I really wasn’t going to drink tonight, but we are just now hitting the halfway point of this episode and I can’t take it sober anymore.”
ABC must have felt the tension so they decided to have the girls swim with sharks, because DUH.
After the romantic shark-swimming the three ladies spent some quality time with Nick. Each of them did their best to impress him, but Raven was the one to snag the group date rose. They danced on the beach while Corinne and Kristina sat in silence. “Why don’t they just let them leave, this is hard to watch,” one of my sisters said.
Danielle got the next one-on-one but who cares because we all knew she was going home. And she did.
Then #teamcorn realized she needed to step up her game because girls be droppin’ like flies. Dressed in a skin tight black number, a tipsy Corinne waddled her way to Nick’s room, but not without referencing her vagine first.
“She compared her lady business to platinum! That’s a level of drunk I rarely get to,” said one of my friends.
Nick was ‘surprised’ to see her … even though he was mic’d up and the room was perfectly lit.
I see through your lies ABC.
Anyway it was clear Corinne was wasted. “This is like when you are going to see the guy you like for the third or fourth date, and you know that things are going to happen so you get a little drunk before he picks you up,” said one of my friends.
Corinne did everything she could to get Nick to go to the next level with her, but in a surprise turn of events, Nick actually showed some self-control and turned Corinne down. “Wow I am shocked.” A girl in the room whispered. The rest of us were silent.
I’ll say it was hard watching a rejected Corinne put her shoes back on and stumble out of the hotel.
As annoying as platinum-vagine girl is, we’ve all been there — a guy acts like he is all about you, then you make a move and he shuts you down. It hurts. “She just got rejected on national television, I don’t even know how she can show her face,” one of my friends said.
Rachel was the final date of the episode. She and Nick discussed Rachel’s family. More specifically Nick asked if Rachel’s family would be okay with her bringing home a white man. “Oh god no why would he ask that!” my friend shouted shaking her wine at the screen.
As the episode came to a close, I wasn’t expecting a rose ceremony, because they just don’t exist anymore.
Nick sat down with Chris Harrison and cried about the decision we all knew he was going to make. I mean lets be real here, all of America is anxious to meet Raquel, so we know Corinne isn’t going home. Rachel had a great one-on-one, Raven got the group date rose, and Vanessa snagged a rose in the beginning of the episode, so it was time to say goodbye to Kristina.
But that wasn’t the end of “The Bachelor” drama. Later that night, on Jimmy Kimmel Live, the next ‘Bachelorette’ was announced and it was groundbreaking. Rachel became the first African American Bachelorette and the whole room went nuts “FINALLY!” my friend shouted, “It’s only 2017, took you long enough!”
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