Just when you thought ABC had delivered enough cringeworthy moments already on this season of “The Bachelor,” Raven’s orgasm montage took the cake.
Following her night with Viall, Raven couldn’t stop herself from bragging about her man. “Nick is pretty good at what he does, so, I’m pretty satisfied,” there was a full minute long, almost insufferable array of clips of this poor girl skipping through the snow as upbeat music played.
Me and the friends I was watching this with were inconsolable. Our screams could be heard from down the block. One girl even threw her popcorn at the screen.
“I must be dreaming, there is no way this is real,” said another, with her eyes peeping out from behind the pillow.
We all couldn’t believe what we had just seen. Another pal gasped, “Was that a rainbow fence!? You cant make this sh*t up!”
It was so bad that one of my male friends couldn’t even resist texting me.
But was that the worst part of this three – yes three! – hour special. No, that came during the “Women Tell All, “when Corinne, Taylor, and a bunch of the irrelevant girls in the back row got into a scream fight about napping. That’s right. They were yelling at each other about who napped when, and why they napped, and who has a shirt about napping.
“I can’t believe I am wasting my time watching this crap,” my sister muttered as she slung back the last few drops in her wine glass. “You are telling me that all these girls didn’t like Corinne because she took a nap… how is this a show?” Fantastic question girl, I can’t give you an answer though…
Let’s start at the beginning of this penultimate episode. Once we were able to stop wincing from the orgasm heard around the world, we followed Rachel on her date with Nick in Finland. After some cross country skiing, they spent time with the Santa’s four legged helpers before settling in for a cozy chat. Rachel opened up to Nick, telling him that her biggest fear was being rejected. “No shit.” A friend shouted at the TV, “Name a girl that isn’t afraid of rejection…” Personally, I am more afraid that there will be another orgasm montage, but rejection might be second on that list.
More talking happened, but if I am being honest we all weren’t paying attention. A friend of ours came late and we just had to show her what they made Raven do after her fantasy suite, so we all tuned out. But, they must have had a great conversation because the next scene was the couple waking up together and making breakfast. Rachel was rocking a onesie which just solidified why she will be an amazing Bachelorette.
Then it was Vanessa’s turn. Keeping up with the tradition of having the worst dates ever, Viall decided to take this girl to an ice bath. What was her reaction? “I want to chop him up and feed him to the reindeer.” “SAME!” shouted my viewing party.
The duo took multiple trips too and from the ice bath while we all sat there in confusion. “How in God’s name does she still like him after this?” one friend asked, while another stated. “I would’ve left when I saw the way he wears a beanie…”
Once the torture of the ice bath was over, one of the weirdest conversations that I have ever witnessed ensued. Nick and Vanessa basically fought about where they would live, and the fact that her family is traditional? We were all so confused. “They just have no fun together,” one girl said, while another commented, “I miss Corinne.” PREACH.
Finally it was rose ceremony time. That’s right people, there was a rose ceremony when there was supposed to be a rose ceremony, WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED IT!
In a turn of events that no one saw coming, the girl that was announced weeks ago to be the next ‘Bachelorette’ was sent home. “OMG NO WAY!” my friend shouted sarcastically. “I had no idea!”
As Rachel cried in the car, I looked at the clock and realized that we were only an HOUR into the show. Chris Harrison quickly brought me back to the cold hard ground with his “coming up, the women tell all..” I wasn’t the only one that was upset, “holy shit they are gonna fill 2 hours with Women Tell All!? HOW!” my friend asked me, while another responded, “They have to have at least an hour of Corinne or I am leaving.”
Unfortunately, her wish was not granted. The next two hours were full of whining, complaining, a bunch of arguing about naps, and only a little bit of cheesy pasta.
Its hard for me to describe what happened the first 15 minutes of ‘The Women Tell All’ because everyone was talking over each other. Girls that clearly didn’t feel they had enough time on the show were shouting trying to get their face on TV while the others were doing there best not to act hammered.
Finally some order was brought back to the show as “Jade and Tanner’s wedding,” AKA Liz, made her way to the stage. Liz looked great, still confusing as ever, but she looked good so who cares right? She started to explain why she didn’t reach out to Nick after their time together at, you guessed it, Jade and Tanners wedding. Saying that there was another guy at the time and that she basically was using the reality TV whore as a rebound. The girls called her on her shit immediately, and it was honestly refreshing. I am sorry Liz, but you had plenty of time to get his number and at least talk to him before just showing up on his season. I still don’t believe you. That being said, Liz was right about one thing, she should not be remembered as the girl that slept with Nick, no girl should. What a women does behind close doors is only for her to judge, not anyone else.
Of course it wouldn’t be ‘The Bachelor’ if ABC didn’t force the two “villains” of the show to go head to head. Taylor was next in the hot seat and Harrison did his very best to keep order, but that was a lost cause. “Do these girls know what manners are? You can’t just scream over each other, I have no idea what is being said!” my friend complained as she turned the volume up to max.
Taylor did everything she could to defend herself, but our viewing party agreed, she lost. “She acts like she is above everyone, I just hate people like that,” said a friend of mine and Corinne agreed. The legend decided that she couldn’t handle Taylor’s bullsh*t without a drink in her hand, and we all felt the same.
Finally Taylor was put back in her corner as the queen of reality TV took her throne back on center stage. Corinne defended herself beautifully, justified her need for naps, and even brought the whole room cheesy pasta. As one friend said, “How can people not like this girl, she’s the tits.”
One thing I was not expecting to come from Corinne was the way she talked about Raquel. Team Corn spoke eloquently about why she referred to Raquel as her nanny, instead of using a term like “cleaning lady” or “maid”. My friends and I were honestly floored. “That was actually really thought out and sweet. Who would have guessed?”
Kristina spent some time on the couch next. Once again she melted even the coldest of hearts and the whole room had tears in their eyes. Then Rachel came out and talked about her upcoming season. Nick also chatted with the ladies, but honestly at this point, my brain was fried. With 10 minutes left just one of my sorority sisters remained. Then she looked at me and said, “I’m sorry Mix, I just can’t do anymore.” And left the room.
So my night ended with me, an empty bottle of wine, and Nick Viall. Thankfully, we only have one more week of this awful pile of garbage that ABC calls, “The Bachelor.”
But don’t worry! If you are one of the five people that actually like this guy, you can catch him awkwardly smirking his way through “Dancing With The Stars” in a few weeks! But until then, we just have three more hours of this fame whore. Monday can’t come soon enough.
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