Style September 13, 2017
I was in a "weird" place emotionally.
I have always styled my hair based off my emotions and each hairstyle subconsciously represented an internal conflict. Braids when I wanted to protect myself from being hurt. Dominican blow-outs when I felt vulnerable. Extensions when I tried to overcompensate for my insecurities.
When I decided to opt for a more dramatic haircut, I had just taken out a braided hairstyle. I was also in a “weird” place emotionally.
I researched “natural hair salons” for days. I was ecstatic to start my transition to become a part of the #TeamNaturalHair tag when searched on Instagram. I found a stylist who possessed every quality you would want to perform such a drastic cut. I provided her with hair references for a better chance of achieving the desired results.
But once I heard her say, “Girl, I’m doing the thing I hate the most; the big chop,” to one of her colleagues, I knew I had made the wrong decision. In addition, I noticed a sign that offered $10 off your service if you gave them a five-star rating before you were finished.
I left the salon with a haircut that gave me the appearance of a “Lucky Troll Doll.” I cried hysterically. When I looked in the mirror, I saw how broken I was, emotionally and spiritually. I finally had a haircut that matched who I was at that time.
At the end of the day, it was me, my favorite bottle of wine and haircutting shears. I told myself, “No matter the outcome, you will rock it with confidence!” I had no idea what the outcome of fixing my botched haircut would be, but I had nothing to lose.
I began to cry as I styled my “teeny-weeny-afro,” because I hadn’t seen my hair above my ears before and I felt unattractive. Prior to this haircut, I was confident, I was in control and I was conditioned. I was comfortable with my relaxed hair, no matter how damaged it was. Even though natural hair was trending and I was excited about change, I still feared what people would think of me in my natural state. I no longer had anything to hide behind. This change had interrupted the status quo and my heart was on my sleeve.
However, I knew the way I felt emotionally and spiritually about my failed haircut spoke to my subconscious feelings of wanting to “big chop” my relationship.
I was supposed to be celebrating a new chapter in my relationship, but instead I was searching for apartments. I was experiencing feelings of doubt and wanting out of my relationship. I felt it had run its course and with these feelings came the severance of the emotional and intimate commitment I made to my then-fiancé.
I expressed my reservations and challenges to him, but my efforts to salvage the relationship were dismissed. The constant one-sided communication burdened the relationship, but the dismissal of my “cry out” further put us in jeopardy.
I was in denial about the dissolution of our companionship. We were a beautiful couple and our personalities were complementary. It was very difficult for me to think of separating myself from someone who had gotten to know me inside and out. I also felt embarrassed that my “picture perfect” relationship wasn’t perfect by any means. I was not ready to explain to so many people why I was no longer getting married.
The thought of starting completely anew provided an abundant amount of fright and I even tried to think my way out of it. “Was I overanalyzing, overthinking and being too emotional? Are my expectations of him too high? Would I be where I am financially if it weren’t for him? Do I want to be vulnerable and date all over again?”
But finally, I realized I couldn’t marry him.
I had to make the decision between remaining unhappy and discontent or leaving and accepting the struggles of hitting the refresh button on my life. I chose the latter, but the part of me that wanted to go back made me feel defeated.
And then I thought about how I betrayed myself by settling for what I didn’t deserve. It hurt me. With this pain came resentment towards him and myself. I was disappointed that I lost sight of who I was to the point where I gave everything without thinking of how it would internally affect me. The more I thought about how toxic my relationship was, the more my heart became calloused. I allowed it even if it meant I would be sabotaging future romantic pursuits. At this point, I was tired of feeling and I was ready to be selfish for once.
I closed the door to my dating life and I opened the door to self-discovery.
I needed to probe my subconscious and open my third eye to the reasons I tend to settle when I know the outcome would be detrimental to my emotions and morale. It was time for me to hold myself accountable and confront the broken parts in me that attract the broken parts in other people; especially insecure men. Think of this as a beautiful woman who was tired of being a trophy to rookie athletes.
I spent the month of July mourning the denouement of my relationship. Doing this, I came to the realization that I have never allowed myself to grieve the loss of my mother or how I felt moving to a new state without any support a month after she passed. And now there was my horrific big chop.
I still can’t believe I left that salon with an unintentional asymmetrical rocker’s mullet on April Fool’s Day. At any rate, for the first time I allowed myself to cater to my own feelings. It was a good mourning.
I knew the healing process would be painful, but I welcomed it, owing to the fact that I pride myself in knowing a thing or two about being resilient. This process allowed me to learn more about my worth and my value. I am not beautiful because of how I style my hair, how it looks without manipulation or how many inches it is. I had to find out what makes me beautiful inside because what is in your heart triumphs what you look like on the outside.
On my first night out alone, I decided to do something completely out of the ordinary. I turned off my cell phone and visited various coffee shops. At one of the coffee shops, I stumbled upon a “Writer’s Night Out” event where one of the members advised us to never lose our objective. I used this advice not only for my work, but for my personal life as well.
My objective was to get rid of any deadweight that was hindering my growth, which was the reason I wanted a haircut and to leave my relationship. A feeling of liberation came over me and I felt confident that I could indeed make it, with or without my hair or a significant other.
Twelve months and 12 inches of growth later, I have come to terms with the losses I have experienced. My circumstances built my character and provided clarity in the areas that were most internally conflicting. The big chop of my hair and relationship not only changed how I look, but it changed my conscious and added intangible value to my worth.
I realized that the way you feel about yourself is a lot more noticeable than we like to admit.
If I did not address this issue, I would continue to attract and accept the same behavior and people. My epiphany showed me how courageous I am. From moving to a new state alone and breaking my engagement to cutting my hair. It also reminded me that I am only 23 years old and my best years are ahead of me.
And now I hope my epiphany helps other women, because we don’t all have to learn the hard way.
