Satire August 17, 2018
First, he came for women, now he's coming for all mankind.
Ninja, the number one streamer on Twitch, recently said he will no longer play Fortnite with women because it causes people to spread false rumors that he’s cheating on his wife or being inappropriate. Naturally, the only way to protect himself from these trolls was to stop playing with women. Problem-solved.
Now the Twitch streamer, whose real name is Tyler Blevins, has gone one step further and said he will no longer play with humans at all so that no one mistakes him for being a human and having a soul.
“Every time I play with real people my chat blows up and everyone thinks I am a human and have a soul because I am interacting with other humans. I just need the rumors to stop,” Ninja told popular gaming magazine Gamers IRL. “From now on I will only play with bots, that way no one can ever accuse me of having a shred of humanity ever again.”
Ninja’s fans, of which there are over 10 million on Twitch, were rightfully upset. As 18-year-old Greg from Ohio told us, “It was fine when he wasn’t playing with women. I understand that because women are trouble. But not playing with men either? Now that irks me.”
people r genuinely upset that ninja wont play with women like get over yourselves idgi
— caleb🌹 (@caIebxo) August 14, 2018
Another Twitch user, 22-year-old @LovesDoritos420 agreed, making the point that if Ninja doesn’t play with human streamers it’s less likely they’ll be noticed.
“I mean, Twitch is supersaturated now and a big streamer like Ninja can make or break someone’s career — he’s just kind of cutting off that support to everyone in the community now. I guess he really doesn’t have a soul.”
When asked if it was a problem when he cut off women LovesDoritos420 replied, “I don’t understand the question?”
Of course, some people supported Ninja’s decision, flooding Twitter with #TeamNinja and #NinjaHasNoSoul hashtags. One Twitter user said, “Ninja doesn’t have a soul and has never had a soul. I support that he’s finally letting his true nature out by not interacting with humans online. The soulless community needs a leader and he’s it!”
Twitch released a statement saying, “Ninja is a very popular streamer and makes us a lot of money, if he doesn’t want to play with humans to avoid rumors he has a soul, we understand and support his decision.”
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