On Thursday VH1 revealed that Tyra Banks would be returning as the host of long-running reality competition series “America’s Next Top Model.” My roommate spotted the news late Thursday evening on Facebook and when she read it I audibly gasped.
Could it be true? Honest to God I hopped right onto Google to search if there had been an official confirmation. And there it was. Tyra herself had tweeted, “I missed my ANTM baby so Mama’s back! #ANTM #ANTM24.” And that’s when I remembered what joy feels like.
Okay, now you’re probably judging the hell out of me right now, and that’s okay. But think for a second about what’s been going on lately. Every day I write about things like Trump eradicating LGTBQ+ protections, Kellyanne Conway thinking microwaves can turn into cameras and blazing red states like Texas unleashing a seemingly unending line of eye-popping anti-abortion measures.
So yeah, when I found out the Queen of Smize* was coming back to television (and not for “America’s Got Talent,” because I’m sorry Tyra – I love you, but honestly who is still watching that?) I got excited. Hell yeah I did.
I gave Rita Ora’s “ANTM” a chance. I really did. I watched it for a bit, mostly because I couldn’t figure out if I loved or really hated Courtney. I’m still not sure. But it just wasn’t the same.
In place of wonderfully wacky, elaborate photo shoots – The seven deadly sins! Mermaids! Famous designers! High school stereotypes! – were a bunch of Snapchat videos and terrible dance numbers. (No offense to the choreography, just the result when poor non-dancers like Kyle have to take it on. And on that note WHY did you bring her back for a music video after sending her home after losing a dance challenge?! Tyra would never do something that cruel.)
It kind of forgot about straight up modeling, focusing instead on being a “brand” and a “boss.” Every episode Rita Ora would go on and on to the contestants about how she’s a performer, singer, model, designer and TV personality because that’s that’s what they all need to be to become successful too — and also probably to remind everyone what it is that she does.
No offense to the blonde bombshell – I really did like “Black Widow” – but replacing Tyra was hard enough as it is… but like, was Chrissy Teigen too busy? Janice Dickinson didn’t want to do it? I mean, that would have been a really mean season, but at least Janice is somewhat on Tyra’s level.
Tyra is the perfect combination of fierce model, hot af, larger than life personality, comforting like a mama bear AND she starred in “Life-Size.” The same woman could out-model every contestant at panel (with a photo that was coincidentally exactly on theme for the week), GO OFF on Tiffany for her bad attitude, Smize like nobody’s business and admit to the girls that she let out a *very little* fart when she stood up to give them a hug. Tell me who’s gonna compete with that?
Well, no need to answer because the nightmare is over. Mama’s back, and everything else aside, at least one good thing will have happened in 2017 (reminder: it’s only March). So, thank you, Tyra Banks, Queen of the Smize and goddess of women with big foreheads and thick thighs the world over. WE’RE NOT WORTHY.
* Smiling with your eyes
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