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There is one thing men and women always need to ask themselves before getting into an argument: Do you still want to have a relationship with this person after you’re done fighting? This doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships – it’s also relevant for family, friends and business connections.
If the answer is, “Yes,” you need to carefully navigate the argument so that you don’t burn any bridges. The best way to avoid leaving a relationship in tatters? Use ‘I’ statements.
‘I’ statements are also called I-messages – and, no, we’re not talking about the ones on your iPhone. The term was coined by Thomas Gordon in the 1960s while conducting play therapy with children.
Gordon recognized the difference between ‘I’ and ‘you’ statements. Sure, it can be a lot more satisfying to tell that person how he or she has wronged you, but you’ll soon find that leading with ‘you’ statements is a lot less effective. They are more likely to put the other person on the defensive.
On the other hand, I-Messages aren’t meant to place blame. They are meant to solve problems.
Every person will have a different perspective of the situation. What is considered ‘enough’ or ‘too much’ varies from person to person, and it can take time to figure out that balance.
Gordon Training International states there are three basic components of an I-Message: “A brief, non-blameful description of the behavior you find unacceptable, your feelings, and the tangible and concrete effect of the behavior on you.”
Saying, “I feel ignored because you never answer your texts and so I’m left wondering what you want all the time,” is a very different statement than, “You’re so annoying because you’re always ignoring me.”
One statement is letting the other person know exactly how you feel, why you feel that way and how these feelings affect your behavior. The other just lets them know your emotions, but not why. Besides keeping your statement from seeming more malicious than helpful in intent, I-statements can also trigger personal growth as you consider your own feelings and motivations.
According to Psychology Today, I-Messages take responsibility for how you feel instead of blaming the other person. To be clear- intent does matter, and not only when it comes to relationships. There’s a reason why courts take malicious intent so seriously; they will even increase the severity of a punishment if malicious intent is displayed. So why you do something matters just as much as what you do.
What you intended doesn’t negate how someone else feels, but making it clear that it wasn’t intentional is a start. ‘I’ statements create transparency, allowing the other person to know exactly how his or her actions affect you. This opens the lines of communication instead of fueling the fire – and, hopefully, paves the way for a smoother relationship instead of breaking all ties.
