Relationships May 8, 2017
Casual sex isn’t for everyone. Ask a demisexual.
Before even feeling any sort of sexual attraction, demisexuals first need to have strong emotional bonds with other people. But because we’re living in such a sexually-charged culture, it may be difficult to understand this.
So, ENTITY’s here to parse things out for you.
And while being demisexual can mean different things to different people, we’ve done our best to try and give you a general understanding of demisexuality.
The Demisexuality Resource Center defines demisexuality as “a sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond.”
Basically, the general population’s understanding of what it means to be attracted to someone doesn’t apply to demisexual people. For demisexuals, close relationships often come before sexual attraction. Thus, most – if not all – of a demisexual’s relationships start out as friendships.
Because of this, demisexual people aren’t necessarily attracted to people of a specific gender. Rather, they look for emotional connections to others before experiencing any sort of desire. “Most people use dates to get to know the person,” Molly Martinson, a fellow demisexual, wrote on xoJane. “I need to really connect with someone on a much deeper level to even want to date them.
Because of this, demisexuals are closely aligned with asexuality.
For starters, asexuality is a sexual orientation in which a person feels little to no sexual attraction to another person. And the asexuality spectrum has asexuality on one end and non-asexuality on the other.
Because demisexuals, for the most part, are only attracted to a handful of of people in their lifetime, they are considered part of the asexual community. Also, because they’re typically uninterested in having sex with other people – until there is that close bond – they have a good amount in common with asexuals.
The biggest distinction between the two, however, is that demisexuals are still capable of feeling sexual attraction.
Before you fall into the trap of thinking that demisexuals are just “choosy,” know that sexual attraction isn’t something you can control. It’s your desire. You either have sexual feelings for another person or not. Sexual behavior, on the other hand, is about the decision to have sex. It’s something you can choose to participate in.
For most people who aren’t asexual, they are attracted to other people regardless of their relationship with the other person. They may have sexual feelings for people on the street, classmates, coworkers or even celebrities they find attractive. They don’t have to have spoken to these people at all.
However, being attracted to another person doesn’t mean you have to act on this attraction. Non-asexual people could choose to refrain from sex with another person for a variety of reasons. Perhaps they want to be respectful, they are waiting until marriage or they want real commitment first.
Demisexuals, however, don’t start with these feelings.
If you ask a woman why she’s not attracted to any men, don’t automatically assume she’s lesbian. The same goes for the opposite gender. Some people just don’t feel immediate attraction. And while some demisexuals may be open to casually dating, they may refrain from doing so because it just doesn’t appeal to them.
As Olivia Davis writes in The Good Men Project, “Demisexuality is about desire and arousal, not just sex and who you do it with.” It’s about the absence of desire that makes demisexuals who they are.
And if this isn’t how you experience attraction, then that’s okay. Sure, demisexuals experience sexual attraction differently from what is considered “normal.” But that doesn’t make their feelings any less real. Demisexuality is just as valid as non-asexual attraction.
