Sex & Life
Sex & Life December 13, 2017
"There will never be an occasion where a grilled cheese will let you down."
Being in a relationship is one of life’s greatest gifts. It’s a chance to share your thoughts and feelings with someone who unconditionally loves you and all your seemingly off the wall ideas; someone who perpetually makes you feel like you’re the best thing since sliced bread (a hard yet not so impossible feat to achieve).
However, this isn’t always the case with every relationship. We often end up in toxic relationships that make us long for our single freedom. But if like me, you are tragically flawed at both being single and being in a committed relationship, then you’re constantly searching for something else to bring you fulfillment. I’m here to tell you that you need look no further.
Significant others, despite their many merits and values, are flawed and require an effort and stamina that I’m just not sure that I’m up to. Don’t fear though – for the true gift that keeps on giving, the creme-de-la-creme of all things good requires little effort, no expectations or ultimatums, no fights or tears, only infinite happiness, drum roll please, for the one the only – grilled cheese sandwich. Yeah, that’s right, I have cracked the code to the ultimate nirvana.
Sure, it takes a few minutes to prepare, but it’s nothing compared to the amount of time you spend trying to navigate your relationship. Also, those three minutes spent heating the pan, buttering the bread and grating the cheese are totally worth it. This is not just the food of small kids and students but also for the elite. The grilled cheese doesn’t discriminate. It’s not picky – always ready to spread its gooey cheesy goodness to all who need its magic. For just $3, you can have everything any good relationship could ever give you. Still not convinced? Here are five reasons that prove a grilled cheese sandwich trumps any relationship every single time.
There will never be an occasion where a grilled cheese will let you down. No more “sorry babe, I’m at work” or “Saturdays are for the boyz.” Come rain or shine, night or day the grilled cheese is there for you. For breakfast, lunch and dinner, for broken hearts and celebrations, for when you’ve been stood up and for when you’re too lazy to cook. Grilled cheese has the answer and your back. No relationship wields this kind of commitment and dedication to my happiness. Grilled cheese is a promise of boundless happiness all year round – no more empty promises or half-assed excuses.
You want to spend your weekend in your old sweats shoving your face with oily food but your partner, on the other hand, has different ideas? You know, ones that involve leaving the house. Maybe they want to go to a bar? Maybe they want to go to the beach or hang out with friends. Your partner will have wants and needs but, worst of all, he or she will have expectations of which none of them involves you in your sweats getting in touch with all your primordial instincts (insert eye roll here). Your grilled cheese though is happy to kick it back, and binge watch the latest season of “Stranger Things” all weekend – providing nothing other than comfort and support.
Grilled cheese is not subject to a certain method or recipe. You can make this life-changing sandwich however you feel fit, using any cheese or bread that blows your hair back. Whether it be mozzarella or gouda with sourdough or even whole wheat – the combination possibilities are endless. A relationship, on the other hand, is less versatile. You can’t change your partner. They can’t offer you a variety of different personality combinations that you might like better than the one they are currently using (shame). They are who they are, and you’re expected to love them for that.
Unlike most relationships where your partner can often smell your desire for a commitment from miles away, the grilled cheese is up for letting you be 100% invested in every morsel of their existence. It knows how much you want it. It loves your dedication and attention to detail. You will never be more invested in your grilled cheese than it is in you. It delights in your love and appreciates all you have to give.
A grilled cheese sandwich brings so much joy with such little required effort, unlike the quest for an orgasm which doesn’t always deliver as promised despite his or her rigorous effort. It’s hard to deny its gift of overwhelming happiness and ecstasy that comes with such ease and humility. Its sole purpose is to make you smile and, boy, does it deliver time and time again. Can you say the same for your partner? Is there really that kind of devotion, love and success in even the most flourishing relationships? I think not.
So, if you’re worried about the festive season coming around and you know that, like me, you are neither fit for the single life or the relationship one, then it’s time to throw caution to the wind. Slide those hot pants on, grate that cheese, butter that bread and be ready to commit to the most glorious and judgement-free relationship out there. So, when that booty call comes through, you can hit them back with “sorry babe, Saturdays are for the cheese.”
Seriously though, it’s the best gift you can give yourself this year.
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