There is one phrase that spreads terror throughout the millennial generation. It sends more chills down our spines than the clown from “It”, overdue assignments and five missed calls from mom combined. The phrase is this:
“Define the relationship.”
However, these three words do not have to be as scary as they seem. There are tons of misconceptions floating around about defining the relationship, or “DTR.” But I firmly believe that having this conversation, no matter what kind of relationship you are in, can change your connection to this person for the better.
Some women don’t even use the word “relationship” when having this discussion. They are worried that the word itself will scare off the other person, or that it will imply that they assume they were already in an exclusive relationship.
However, “relationship” has several definitions, one of which is simply the connection that two people have with one another. This definition is often used in waivers when you are filling in your emergency contact, and the form asks “what is your relationship to this person?” Now since you often provide the contact information of a family member, it is obvious that the word “relationship” has meanings outside of the romantic one. Both friendships and acquaintanceships fall under this definition of relationship.
Although Entity does *not* endorse shoplifting, we do endorse having a name for the connection you have with another person. You should not accept the excuse of “I’m not into labels” or “I don’t want to reduce our connection to a label.”
Are you friends with benefits? Then that is your label. Do you want to be more than friends with benefits? Tell him (we know it is easier said than done, but if it’s what you want, you’ll be happier either way if you tell him). He doesn’t want that? You should probably get out of that relationship before it hurts you even deeper.
We are friends who kiss. Friends who cuddle. Whatever connection you have to this person, you have the right to know the answers to these questions:
Are both of you allowed to see other people?
Would it hurt you if he was dating and/or sleeping with other people, and vice versa?
Do you have romantic feelings for him?
Do you want your relationship to be more or less emotionally involved than it is right now?
Having the answers to these questions not only clears the water for both of you, but it saves a lot of time explaining your relationship to other people. It’s not even really a “label” in the classic sense; it’s you and the other person being on the exact same page.
Once you have a “label” (or at least a description of your relationship that is complete and concise), you may discover that you’re not as comfortable with it as you were before. Let’s say someone you know and trust asks you about your relationship with this person, and you say “friends with benefits.”
However, you don’t feel confident in this label. It may seem un-you, or you just don’t like the idea that other people know you’re sleeping with this person.
Now granted, you are under no obligation to expose details of your personal life if you don’t want to. That is your business, and you decide whether or not your relationship is public knowledge or not. However, if just saying your relationship status out loud makes you feel small, then the relationship itself may make you feel the same way.
No matter what you decide to discuss with the person in question, you two have to be in constant communication to make anything work. This is just as essential in traditional relationships (the exclusive relationship, marriage) as in the modern untraditional relationship (open relationship, friends with benefits, etc.).
Direct questions like “would I be disrespecting you if I checked out other guys?” or “would it hurt you if I flirted with other girls” are vitally important. Although these questions might seem like a given to one person, the other person might have very strong opinions about it.
We hope this helped you out in your “define the relationship” talk. Whether you’re in an exclusive relationship or just reading for reference, we highly suggest you use some of these pointers for future awkward, yet essential, conversations.
