As you walk into your house after a long day at the hospital, you initially think that it’s never felt so good to be home. When you hear your children running to greet you, however, your stomach sinks. You’ve already spent countless hours undergoing a variety of tests, meeting several doctors and eventually hearing your diagnosis.
The pain of finding out that you have a life-threatening illness is horrible. But if you have children, the pain of telling them can feel even worse.
Regardless of their health, many mothers trying to manage a disease also struggle with telling their children. How do you have one of the hardest conversations of your life? ENTITY is here to give you seven tips to make your initial conversation a little bit easier.
First, mentally prepare yourself by writing down what you have to say. For instance, do you want to tell them the exact kind of cancer you have or would you rather say that mommy may lose her hair and feel a little down-in-the-dumps for a while? Keep in mind your child’s age, personality and exposure to medical terms and conditions.
You should also plan where and when is best for this conversation to take place. For instance, LA Parent suggests choosing a calm, safe and familiar place to tell difficult news. This could be during family time after dinner or while you’re walking home after buying your Friday night ice cream. No time or place is going to be “good enough” to give bad news, but there are better times and places than others.
How did you feel the last time you heard unexpected or bad news? Most likely, a little shaken, a bit unsure and perhaps even scared. To minimize these feelings as much as possible, talk to your child confidently and clearly. Woman’s Day suggests bending or sitting down while you talk so you can look your children in the eye. This will help them feel more connected to you.
Also, start your conversation with a “warning shot,” or a disclaimer so that your kids know they’re about to hear some bad new and they should prepare themselves. Your goal is to educate and inform your children, not to scare them.
Throughout your conversation, be sure to remember who you’re speaking to: your child. Don’t rely on medical jargon or big words they won’t understand. Instead, try to break down your illness – and how it will affect them – to its most important, basic points. For instance, if you have a type of disease, explain the disease’s cause, its effects on your body and the treatment. John Sharry, psychologist, author and columnist at the Irish Times, especially advises parents to talk about how this illness will change the kids’ daily routine (such as their dad picking them up from school or you needing a little extra help around the house) as well as what they can do to be involved.
You don’t want your children to feel they can’t come talk to you if they’re feeling worried for fearful of upsetting you. Share your emotions and encourage your children to do the same. Not sure how? According to the National PTA, there are several steps to an open dialogue, including:
When it comes to fostering open dialogue with your child, focus less on saying the “right” things and staying open to whatever your child needs to say.
Being ill is scary, but it is also scary having an ill loved one. Don’t forget to assure your children that no matter what, you will get through this process with them. Also remind them that, no matter what happens, this illness isn’t their fault and that you will always love them. One important reminder? As Babycenter explains, be realistic in your assurances. Unless you know 100 percent for sure, don’t say that everything will be fine. Instead, tell your children about the level of care you’re receiving or how much their support and love helps.
Just as you’re informing your child for the better of everyone involved, so should you keep others in the loop. For instance, you should probably talk to your child’s teachers so they know the source of any behavioral changes or struggles. A teacher can also be another good confidante for your child during hard times, as can a guidance counselor, a close family friend or a church pastor. Reach out to the community you feel comfortable with; you never know how much this could help your child.
It may be extremely hard, but it’s important to remain honest throughout your conversations and entire experience. Shielding anyone from the hard truth only brings more pain later, and your children need to hear the truth before it’s too late. If you’re not sure how to frame the challenges approaching your family, take author Ms. McCue’s advice: Remember that, by telling your child the truth, the entire family is “carrying the burden together.”
Telling your child that his or her mother is sick won’t be easy, but with their love and support, coping with your illness might be.
