Most men and women will acknowledge that relationships are complex, to put it lightly. Harmony needs to be achieved between affection and disputes, attention and alone-time, support and criticism. For those of you who are in relationships and find yourselves struggling to balance these needs, you may have given thought to a disheartening and perhaps even frightening possibility: Will your relationship last?
It’s hard to come to terms with your relationship if it doesn’t seem to be working. Trying to evaluate it from an outside point of view can be helpful, but sometimes you’re the one who knows your relationship best and you need to be the one to make the call.
This insecurity in your relationship can result from an imbalance between satisfying your own needs and the needs of your relationship. Let’s say, for example, that you just had a really stressful day and all you want to do is collapse into bed. Although you promised your significant other you would spend time with him that evening, you need to listen to yourself and take a rain check on that date. Forcing time with your partner, especially after a long and taxing day, can make the time spent with each other feel sour and unenjoyable.
Not only that, but saying “yes” to doing things with your partner when you don’t want to can backfire. Psychotherapist Andrew Wald tells Psych Central that saying “yes” all the time “can build resentment … You also may become enmeshed as a couple and less of your own person.”
For this reason, remember that you need to care for yourself as much as you care for your partner. You know your needs and feelings better than anyone; you alone know what to do to get back on track.
It’s okay to spend some time alone if you need it. And it’s definitely okay to voice your feelings, even when you disagree with your partner. “Remember that you deserve to have your own – and different opinion and to voice it,” Wald says. “Articulating a different point of view doesn’t mean you’re asserting that you’re better than your partner; it means you’re not less.” You can still sacrifice and compromise if both of you disagree, but there are times when you need to listen to your mind and body first.
But where is the line drawn between choosing yourself and choosing your relationship?
Even though it’s tough to call, generally speaking, choosing your relationship is best when your needs and emotions don’t conflict with this decision. Let’s say your significant other invites you to go camping with his family but you would rather spend time alone watching Netflix or going to the beach. This is when you make that sacrifice for your partner and choose to fulfill his or her wants instead of your own. When you choose to go camping with his family, you are showing that you’re willing to sacrifice your time because you love and respect your partner.
Putting aside your preferences for the good of your relationship is positive in these situations, as long as your beliefs, emotions and needs are not under siege.
If your partner, however, asks you to do something that goes against of your personal values, you shouldn’t feel pressured to say “yes.” Learning to respect yourself allows for a healthy relationship because it helps maintain your individuality. “Personal boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves as individuals in relationships,” writes Deborah Hecker, Ph.D. for the Huffington Post. “They protect our sense of personal identity and help guard against being overwhelmed by the demands of others.”
Although putting yourself over your relationship might feel selfish and putting your relationship over yourself might be a drag, it’s good to have a balance between the two. Spend time feeling out the situation for yourself. Examine your mental and physical needs and evaluate whether or not it’s a good idea to pursue your interests or the interests of your relationship.
