Relationships March 24, 2020
I'll be there for you (but will you be there for me?)
They say that friendship is like a garden: the more you put into it, the more it grows. Friendship is a beautiful thing where everyone’s encouraged to build bonds and connections with each other to make life brighter. However, as time goes on, we find some friendships aren’t fruitful. It’s just like how plants in our gardens won’t grow despite our careful watering and weeding.
Sometimes, deteriorating friendships can be restored to their previous fruitfulness. However, when your watering can runs out, you can’t keep nourishing the garden. And that’s when you know that there’s nothing left to do but make space for a friendship that will grow.
To put it simply – that means taking out the trash.
So do you have doubts about whether or not a friendship is worth your time anymore? Here are 7 surefire signs that it’s time to take off the friendship bracelet and get yourself a new circle.
A couple of weeks ago, my roommates and I were taking photos of each other by the beach for the ‘gram (as millennials do on a Saturday night). One of them was hyping us all up being like, “yes girl!” and, “you slay queen!” We laughed and shook our heads at her. She responded saying, “Hey, if your friends don’t hype you up like that, then they aren’t your friends.” And then it got me thinking that she was absolutely right.
When you come across something amazing or stumble upon success, it’s only natural that you would want to share the joy of that accomplishment. We want to feel validated, we want to be supported, and we want to feel appreciated. However, according to an article in Women’s Health, a red-flagged sign indicating a toxic relationship is when your “friends” blow over your victories and refuse to acknowledge them.
This apathetic attitude is an unspoken sign of jealousy and resentment towards you reaching success while they have not. In the Women’s Health article, clinical psychologist Andrea Bonoir, Ph.D. provided insight into this phenomenon by saying, “At the end of the day, you should still have good feelings toward your friend and want what’s best for them overall.”
Whether it’s getting a new job or posting a cute AF photo on Instagram – if your friends don’t hype you up and support you, then they aren’t your friends.
Friendships shouldn’t be exclusively transactional; it should be a give-and-take relationship where each party reciprocates an almost-equal effort. In an article by Business Insider, they interviewed licensed professional counselor, Kailee Price, who said it isn’t a good sign if you feel like you are constantly the one trying to start conversations or make plans. Or, if you feel like you’re the one who always listens to their stories while they don’t make the effort to listen to yours.
“If you’re pouring energy into someone who isn’t giving you the same treatment, it’s not a mutual friendship,” Price said.
If you wanted to be friends with a wall, you already would be by now. Friendship is a two-way street where you multiply your joy and divide your pain when you connect. If you feel like you’re constantly having to do all the work in this, “friendship,” maybe there was never a genuine connection in the first place.
Have you ever been punched in the face or anywhere else on your body? Imagine having someone punching you repeatedly despite you having done nothing wrong. Now imagine that person being your friend.
Friendships are supposed to be a safe haven. In an article from Inside Higher Ed., they say that teasing friends, even if they don’t mean to upset, can create toxicity.
“Instead of listeners reprimanding a speaker who says something cruel, insensitive, or wrong, they are told they are being overly sensitive for taking [offense].”
Friendships aren’t supposed to be relationships where you think it’s okay to make hurtful jokes – also known as the “just joking” defense – at the expense of your counterpart.
Respect is key to building the foundation of friendship. If you don’t have that, then it would be like planting a seedling in a pile of cement – nothing is going to grow from it. Know your worth and know what’s truly, “just a joke,” and when your, “friends,” are really, “just trash.”
How many times have you ever confidently finished a test early only to waste an extra five to ten minutes sitting there because nobody else has finished yet? This scenario can be applied to when you want to chase your ambition only to second guess yourself because your friends are not nearly as ambitious as you.
This isn’t exactly their fault as everyone has different aspirations. However, what is unhealthy is when you surround yourself with people who have no ambition whatsoever. You can push them to work towards a goal but at the end of the day, if they refuse to push themselves then you shouldn’t stop yourself from doing just that.
These are the kinds of friends that are the hardest to let go of. While they might not have necessarily wronged you, they are equally as toxic to your growth. There’s a saying in Corinthians that, “bad company corrupts good character,” (Corinthians, 6:4) and it’s absolutely true. My advice is, aspire to build friendships with people who strive to be successful because those are the friends that will take you there.
Nothing is worse than when you were so close to winning only to end up with a lousy second-place medal. That’s how it feels when your so-called, “friend” decides to make last-minute plans with you because their date decided to cancel. That’s also how it feels when your friend cancels on you because their date makes a reappearance out of thin air.
Just remember that your time is important too. Your efforts are important. You are important. When people use you like a bookmark for the gaps in their schedules, it’s not only disrespectful, but it’s a slap in the face. You are not a Plan B. And if you happen to become Plan B, then maybe you need to make other plans with different people who will put you first.
We all have those cringe-worthy moments when you do something you probably shouldn’t have done. And now we’re haunted for life. While it’s funny to look back at the lightheartedly embarrassing stunts of our past, nobody likes to be haunted by them. And it doesn’t help when the ghost haunting you is your friend.
Friendships are supposed to build people up and help us grow despite our setbacks. What friendship isn’t; is when we’re constantly reminded of our faults and mistakes by the people who are supposed to lift us up. “Remember that time you did me wrong and how much you owe me?” Or, “Remember that time you thought you were going to do something and you failed?”
Remember the time when “forgive and forget” was sacred?
Part of what makes healthy friendships work is that you’re able to work through the bumps of your past mistakes and work towards being better for the future. If you’re being constantly nagged by your friends, then maybe it’s time to reconsider contacting the Ghostbusters for a friendship exorcism.
Honestly, sometimes you just have to know when to trust your gut. There comes a point in a friendship where the vibes are just different. And by different, I’m referring to instances where hanging out just isn’t fun anymore. You can tell when being together leads to both of you being stressed and on-edge.
Similar to my previous point, the energy that you surround yourself with has power over how you perceive yourself and the world. That said, if the vibe is off, then there’s a reason. And the reason is probably that you are just not compatible anymore.
Friendships are such an essential thing to cultivate. It’s even more essential that we invest our time in the friendships that are going to help us grow as individuals. Unfortunately, not everyone is cut out for that job. And that’s totally okay.
It’s okay to outgrow people and find new circles of people who fit our needs of the current moment. I know that it’s hard to think about being alone and starting from scratch. But if you think about it, being alone doesn’t sound as bad as being accompanied by people who are just holding you back.
