Relationships October 24, 2016
How would you describe your relationship with your parents? Maybe they’re supportive, affectionate and perhaps a little strict. What about your parents’ relationships with their own mothers and fathers? When you examine the dynamics of these relationships, you realize that a great deal has changed in the last fifty years. There’s no doubt that the relationships between children and parents has evolved over the generations. But in what ways has this interaction occurred?
Fifty years ago, kids could not expect to win an argument with their parents. In fact, most parents would not tolerate argument in the first place. What the parents said, goes. Simple as that.
Things are a bit different these days. Now, parents don’t sit on that exclusive parent throne, but actively attempt to put themselves on the same level as their children. That sounds great, right? Parents don’t want to lord over their kids; they want to treat their kids as autonomous beings with the same rights as adults.
While this does sound great initially, there have been more than a few negative consequences that have reared their heads over time. Before getting into the consequences, let’s start off with some positive points that have emerged between child-parent interactions.
First of all, fathers are now more involved in their children’s lives than ever before. Fifty years ago, most dads worked the nine to five, entrusting the care of the kids to the women. Fathers rarely shared the burden of child-raising, and most childcare responsibilities were left to mom.
Over the last few decades, this paradigm has shifted. Now, many families have dual incomes, meaning that both parents are frequently out of the house during the work week. So even if parents are seeing their kids less, fathers and mothers are sharing the responsibilities of child raising.
At the same time, the percentage of stay-at-home dads has increased in recent years. More and more fathers are choosing to stay at home, allowing the wife to pursue a career and make the income. According to National At-Home Dad Network, the number of stay-at-home dads has more than doubled in the last ten years alone. Fifty years ago, this was not an option for most men, as the standard model of the family dictated that men work and women housekeep.
In addition to more father involvement in the family, modern parenting has made strides in recognizing the individuality of children.
Once, kids were encouraged to “be seen and not heard,” limiting the valuable questions and opinions of children and young adults as they navigate their worlds.
Now, kids are encouraged to express their individuality. We recognize that when kids are taught to stand up for themselves and who they are, they will be more willing to stand up for those who cannot. This breeds a culture of greater acceptance and a willingness to fight the injustices they recognize in the world.
While this emphasis on individuality is a positive change, there are negatives to this parental inclination to believe that every child is totally unique and separate from everyone else. When a kid has been told all his life that he is so smart, so different, so right, he will grow up believing that he is entitled to the same deference and appreciation from others. He won’t have to earn anything anymore.
So what else has improved between parent-child interactions over time? One of them might be more effective punishments. Just like the issues with individuality, there are two sides to this story. While it’s a relief that physical punishments (think Miss Trunchbull from “Matilda”) are no longer the norm, parents are finding it harder to effectively discipline their children.
Oftentimes, parents fall into the trap of bargaining with their kids – “If you sit still for five minutes, you can have a cookie” – or empty threats – “If you don’t stop screaming, we’re not going to Disneyland.” In cases like these, the child is the one in control; instead of the parent making it clear that there are serious consequences to bad behavior, the child is left thinking of ways to take advantage of their misconducts.
Of course, this translates to adulthood. For instance, a young adult in her first job might not realize that showing up late to work every morning could get her fired. That’s because she hasn’t been prepared for a society that is based on cause-and-effect, which is why it’s so important that kids assume responsibilities for their behavior from an early age.
Another development in parent and child interaction has been in communication. With technology playing such an important role in our lives, we have found a much easier way to communicate in the form of texting.
According to an article by MetroParent, “These revolutionary breakthroughs do have their good points. It’s now easier to keep in touch with teachers, your children and family members who live far away. Using a cell phone, parents can also easily contact their children anywhere at anytime; with the right equipment, parents can even track young drivers’ locations and speeds.”
The downside is that kids who primarily communicate through technology such as texting will have a hard time adjusting to person-to-person contact. Since almost every family member is likely to own some sort of device – cell phone, tablet, laptop – it’s become far rarer for families to pack away their devices and actually sit together and talk.
Now, we’ve all heard of helicopter parenting. If you haven’t, it’s when parents are constantly hovering over their child’s head, making sure he or she is safe from any looming difficulties. According to Pat Morrison from the LA Times, “Working with the quote-unquote best and brightest, I was seeing more and more [students] who seemed less and less capable of doing the stuff of life. They were incredibly accomplished in the transcript and GPA sense but less with their own selves, evidenced by how frequently they communicated with a parent, texting multiple times a day, needing a parent to tell them what to do.”
Helicopter parents aren’t willing to let their kids go, to shoo them from the nest and into the wide word of adulthood. This kind of parenting can impact kids for the rest of their lives, leaving them adults who are unprepared to make decisions for themselves or to trust their own instincts. Since their lives were so micromanaged throughout their growing up years, they are often incapable of transitioning from childhood to adulthood with relative ease.
And because these helicopter parents are so conscious of the possibility of danger, kids are rarely given the opportunity to explore the world outside of the house. While only twenty or so years ago, kids were granted permission to play at their neighbors’ houses, ride their bikes down the streets or climb trees in the backyard, kids nowadays are rarely seen outside of home or school.
And finally, parents seldom enable their children to assume responsibilities during childhood. Or maybe they do have responsibilities, but parents give up enforcing them when their kids refuse to help out around the house.
Pat Morrison tells us that, “Our job as parents is to put ourselves out of a job, period. We’re not meant to parent them for the duration of their lives, or ours. Our job is to ensure they have the skills, the confidence to fend for themselves. We will always love them, but the most loving thing is to prepare them for adulthood rather than pretend that we will always be there to resolve things for them.”
The job of the mother and father is to love your child and to prepare him or her for life outside the home. While many things about parent-child interactions have changed for the better, a lot of problems are shooting up in unexpected places and with unexpected results. Parenting is probably the hardest job in the world, but there’s a lot you can do to help your child or children become confident and successful throughout their youths and into adulthood.
