Relationships November 9, 2016
Your mother is likely the woman who taught you how to braid your hair, sew tears in your pants and apply lipstick. And along with her precious pearl necklace, she has also passed down stories of her experiences and advice to encourage your personal growth.
For this and so much more, “one of the most important relationships we have is the relationship we have with our mothers,” says inspirational speaker and TV personality Iyanla Vanzant. In fact, many women may feel like they will never have a stronger connection to anyone than with their mothers.
But how do our mothers shape our futures? And what do these relationships teach us?
ENTITY breaks down the many ways that a woman’s mother impacts her life.
Our mothers are the first to set an example for how we’re supposed to show – and receive – love.
Your first experience with love is with our parents. These attachment patterns established during your early childhood then continues to function as a working model for adult relationships, explains clinical psychologist Lisa Firestone. “When there is a secure attachment pattern, a person is confident and self-possessed and is able to easily interact with others, meeting both their own and another’s needs,” she adds.
So if you grew up with a particularly affectionate mother who left sweet notes in your lunchbox and tucked you in bed every night, you’re more likely to be loving towards romantic partners as an adult.
When you eventually have children of your own, you’re more than likely to emulate the style of parenting your own mother practiced. “Parenting style has a big impact on how children develop into adults,” says Ronald E. Riggio, Ph.D., professor of leadership and organizational psychology.
For example, if your mother raised you with an authoritarian style, you likely had to submit to a series of rules and great control. Riggio says children raised by these kinds of parents tend to become authoritarian themselves. If your mother didn’t engage in the parenting role, however, Riggio warns that this style can lead to behavior problems due to lack of self-control. The odds of you wanting to mimic that style are slim.
Overall, you end up pick up on the nuances of your childhood and likely integrate them into your own life. And if you had a pleasant childhood, you’ll typically want to recreate that experience for your own offspring.
As your mother was the first woman you ever came into contact with, she was also set the first example of how women should act and treat others. If your mother was particularly controlling, you may see that as the norm and act that way. Perhaps you’d even seek out women of a similar nature in platonic or romantic relationships.
The same applies if you had an overly emotional or melodramatic mother. If your mother dealt with her problems by being accusatory or demanding, you’re likely to follow that example in your relationships.
As Livestrong explains, children watch their parents to see how conflicts are resolved. “Verbal and physical fights are extremely hard on kids,” the website says. “Children may blame themselves for parents’ arguments … [and] dysfunctional families breed dysfunctional children. Children often repeat this behavior in their future relationships.”
If you grew up with a mother who was a go-getter, entrepreneur or innovator then you’re likely to aspire to be the same kind of businesswoman. Similarly, if you grew up with a mother who chased her artistic passions for a living, you’ll probably feel like taking risks is the definition of success.
Neither of these examples are the tried and true images of “success.” The point is, the environment you grow up in will help shape your long-term goals. Do you want money? Do you want to be your own boss? Do you think happiness is the ultimate achievement?
When you think of what being a “good person” entails, what traits come into your mind? Bravery? Honesty? Humor? Typically, your mother often exhibits the traits you come to admire. If your mother never talked about herself, then you may try to emulate those characteristics as you grow older. If your mother taught you how to be a strong woman by never complaining, then it may push you to work harder and to not be a quitter.
Essentially, your mother isn’t just the woman who gave you life: she’s your building block for the rest of your adult life.
