Relationships June 4, 2018
Loving introverts.
Understanding introverts can be difficult. At times, it may feel as though they don’t like having fun. Or worse: they don’t like having fun with you.
Don’t feel insecure; this is not true! If you’re an extrovert, your mindset is entirely different from an introvert’s. Sometimes the meaning behind your actions doesn’t reflect the meaning behind their actions. You both have contrasting lifestyles and desires.
If you’re in some sort of extrovert-introvert relationship, here’s a guide on how to understand your introverted boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend or family member.
When understanding introverts we have to first understand what it means to be “introverted.” There are many different definitions for this word. But most of them describe a connection between “introverted” and “antisocial.”
Merriam-Webster defines “introvert” as: “a reserved or shy person who enjoys spending time alone.”
The textbook “My Psychology” by Andrew M. Pomerantz seems to agree. Pomerantz states that extraversion emphasizes “the tendency to be socially outgoing,” while introversion does not.
Encyclopædia Britannica describes two takes. First, it states the original meaning of introversion (as given by famous psychologist Carl Jung’s theories): “a person whose interest is generally directed inward toward his own feelings and thoughts.” However, it goes on to note that although a “typical introvert” is connected with shyness, the category of introversion is seen today as too simple. Most people are a mix of introverted and extroverted.
Psychology Today goes against all these official definitions. They explain that introverts are “drained by social encounters and energized by” being alone. This is usually “misconstrued as shyness.”
All these definitions may ring true to different people, but my personal experiences align with Psychology Today’s stance. I consider myself an introvert, but I’m not shy or reserved. I want to be social, go out and have fun just as much as the next person. The problem is that this takes an incredible amount of effort and energy. Sometimes, after a full day of hanging out with friends, it takes me another full day to recover. The longer I go without time to myself, the more drained, strained and cranky I feel.
Although other official definitions might differ, this article takes on the belief that an introvert is someone who energizes from solitude instead of social interactions. In this way, an introvert needs alone time like another person might need coffee. An introvert’s state of mind directly relies on the time they spend alone, just like an extrovert relies on how much time they spend with other people.
It’s also important to understand that introverts vary. While not all introverts are shy and reserved, some are! Some also need more time alone than others. Some introverts have other disorders, like social anxiety, that affect their sociability. And most importantly, some introverts want to go out and have fun, while others have no interest in doing so.
Depending on what you want from your introverted loved ones, you might need to consider these other factors to achieve your goals. For example, let’s say an extrovert wants their significant other to change their lifestyle. This person can expect different results from an introvert who hates social events and an introvert who enjoys them.
An introvert’s energy level can also depend on the setting. For example, certain people can drain an introvert more than others. I hang out with my best friend for days at a time without getting drained. But if I hang out with all of my friends at once, I can only handle it for a couple of hours. This can change over time. Before my junior year of high school, my best friend and I could never spend as much time together as we do now.
The hurtful truth is that you can drain your loved one more than someone else does, but you should try not to take it to heart. Random circumstances cause a person to feel emotionally tired, and it is not something you can control. And if you and an introvert manage to be close, the introvert probably loves you enough to fight through their energy deficiency, or you are fortunately one of the people that drains them the least.
Specific situations can also drain an introvert more than others. I simultaneously adore and despise weddings. Although I love being with family during such important moments, it saps me faster than anything else. I always feel emotionally strained in two directions: fighting to have fun as long as possible and dreaming of collapsing into a bed.
The most important advice I can give is to try to not take it personally. An introverted person can still care about you even if they can’t spend all their time with you!
While it’s important for you to understand that introverts need their time alone to refuel themselves, this idea goes both ways. Introverts should take time in understanding extroverts as well. Extroverts need time to refuel too, and they need this time spent around others.
In a relationship, communication is key. Figure out each other’s limit. Decide if you two are satisfied with spending this re-energization away from each other. Determine what type of lifestyle can satisfy both of your needs.
If you want more reading material on understanding introverts, check out these articles here and here and this book on understanding introverts!
