Relationships February 24, 2017
We may have marched together down city streets, but women are still just as fragmented – by political ideology, abortion stance, etc. – as ever. And if you aren’t consistently proving the benefits of women supporting women, you’re not helping the problem.
Recently, Carol Vallone Mitchell from the Huffington Post shared how she talked to an executive women’s group on women (not) supporting each other in the workplace. Their reaction? Mitchell writes: “The room psychologically avoided the notion that women distance themselves from other women by denying it, excusing it and eventually dismissing it as not that important.”
READ MORE: The Health Benefits of Women Supporting Women
To learn the psychology behind female fragmentation, ENTITY talked with Susan Shapiro Barash, gender studies professor at Marymount Manhattan and author of “Tripping the Prom Queen,” and Lisa Quast, certified executive coach and award-winning career development author of books like “Your Career, Your Way.”
Here are four reasons women don’t support women – but won’t admit it!
Have you ever hidden cookies in the top shelf of your kitchen cabinet because you didn’t want to share with the rest of your family? Hoarding female positions of power works something like that.
As Shapiro Barash explains, “It’s our dirty little secret that women are not always looking our for their friends’ best interests. Instead there is a sense, fostered by the media, societal values and even our own mothers and mentors, that females exist in a ‘limited goods’ arena. Thus, we can’t really celebrate a friend’s good news because we feel that if she achieved something, we automatically won’t. The ‘not enough pie’ theory colors our support and ability to cheer
other women on.”
READ MORE: 4 Successful Businesswomen Who Came From Humble Beginnings
Unfortunately, this mindset is somewhat accurate. One 2015 study found that when a woman is hired to a top executive position, the odds of another woman receiving a top-tier job in the same company decreased by around 50 percent. While the researchers didn’t conclude whether this “implicit quota” was intentional or unconscious, the numbers seem to imply that appointing one woman lets (male) company heads say, “Well, we’ve done our job.”
In this case, the “pie problem” isn’t just in women’s heads; it’s being reinforced by men’s actions as well.
Another problem? The social media we all love so much. “One of the biggest challenges I’m seeing is the tendency for women to compare themselves and their lives to the social media posts of their female friends,” says Quast. “This has created an undercurrent of competitiveness among females and is driving many women to try to ‘one up’ each other in their personal lives.”
READ MORE: How Instagram Hashtag #GainingWeightIsCool Could Trigger More Eating Disorders
This isn’t healthy competition either. In 2016, researchers found that, in some men and women. social media comparison can lead to deep feelings of jealousy, insecurity, low self-esteem and fears of abandonment. That same year, a survey of women also found that, after using social media:
All of this goes to show that comparison is just a click away for many women, which has created “this superficial level of competition, since many people tend to post glorified versions of their personal lives, not the truthful version,” according to Quast.
Superficial or not, the harm that this envious mindset can cause is real.
Women aren’t just conditioned to compete with other women online. “Many women are used to competing against only other women for the best grades in schools or in sports activities,” says Quast. “This make them more comfortable competing against women than men, and makes other women their main targets.”
READ MORE: 5 Struggles of Female Sports Journalists
Quast’s point fits in with Carol Mitchell’s suggestion that women distance themselves from their female co-workers so they can fit in with the executive “boy’s club.” After all, as of 2016, only 24 percent of those in senior management positions are female – and that’s on a global scale. So, what do you think is a better business strategy: making friends with your fellow women…or with the men in charge?
Consciously or not, women seem to be picking the latter option.
No matter how competitive we might feel against other women, we probably won’t admit it. According to Shapiro Barash, hiding our negative feelings is a product of socialization. “We are raised to be ‘good girls’ and good girls wouldn’t be jealous or undermining of their female friends, would they?” she says. “Women compete in a covert way while men compete in an overt way– which is much healthier. Females act as if they aren’t competitive or rivalrous and that only adds to the confusion.”
In fact, women have been shown to use indirect aggression at a much higher rate than men. For instance, 52 percent of young women were found to prefer indirect aggression compared to 20 percent of young men. One 2013 study even hypothesizes that this trend has evolutionary ties, with women fighting to lower competition for a mate without endangering themselves with violence.
READ MORE: Chelsea Handler Calls on Women to “Get Behind Each Other”
Even if women are prone to secretly competing with others, though, that doesn’t mean this behavior is right – or that women should continue to not support other women. “We have to admit [competition or jealousy between women] is a problem and then be honest with ourselves about the part we each play in the game,” says Shapiro Barash. “Until we admit it, the issues fester and the tensions and pretenses remain.”
Right now, America – and its women – are divided, and women supporting women isn’t happening nearly as often as it should. But before we can really join together and fight for what we believe in – whether that be equal pay, reproductive rights or just a better nation – we need to join in saying, “Sometimes, I struggle to support other women. But I’m ready to fix it.”
